Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Here is an essay I wrote in response to task 1 of test no.3 in Cambridge Book 15. Could you please evaluate it? Has my description been written with a natural voice? Do you have any difficulty understanding my essay? Please feel free to make any amendments? I truly appreciate it.

Task 1: the diagram below shows how instant noodles are manufactured. (there is an attached image).

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And here is my essay:

The diagram details the making of instant noodles in a factory. Overall, there are 8 steps in the process of making instant noodles, beginning when flour is transported to the factory and ending with ready-to-be-sold cups of instant noodles.

After being transported to the firm, flour is first stored in big storage silos. It is then mixed with a combination of water and oil in a mixer. At the third stage in the noodles making process, this mixture is flattened by rollers, creating dough sheets. Next, these dough sheets are cut into strips before they travel through a gadget, by which disc-shaped pressing them.

The noodles discs are deep-fried in cooking oil at stage six, and later put in cups filled with vegetables and spices at stage seven. The following step, as well as the final one, involves labelling and sealing each cup of instant noodles, making them ready for trading.

( word counted: 151)

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Thank you,

Elysia Ng.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You should not risk such a low word count. Aim for 170-190 words for task 1.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The ~~diagram~~ process flow chart details the making of instant noodles in a factory. ( You need a new paragraph because you have changed topics for describing the figure to writing about the main features.)

Overall, there are eight steps (Use digits for data values. Use words

Overall, there are eight steps (Use digits for data values. Use words for categories ) in the process of making instant noodles, beginning when flour is transported to the factory and ending with ready-to-be-sold cups of instant noodles.

After being transported to the factory ~~firm~~, flour is first stored in big storage silos. It is then mixed with a ~~combination of~~ water and oil in a mixer. At the third stage in the ~~noodles making~~ (You do not need to repeat this. You have already said it is a noodle making factory.) process, this mixture is flattened by rollers, creating dough sheets. Next, these dough sheets are cut into strips before they travel through a gadget, (wrong word) by which disc-shaped pressing them. (unnatural) Do not begin a new paragraph. You are still describing the process.

The noodles discs are deep-fried in cooking oil at stage six, and ~~later~~ put in cups filled with vegetables and spices at stage seven. The following step, as well as the final one, involves labelling and sealing each cup of instant noodles, making them ready for shipping. ~~trading~~.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay: (~175 words)

The flow diagram illustrates the process of making instant noodles in an automated assembly-line factory.

Instant noodles are cups of dry ingredients, which, with water added, make a quick lunch. The manufacturing process is a continuous one consisting of eight steps, six of which are involved in making the dehydrated noodles from flour, water and oil. The preparation of the minor ingredients, vegetables and spices, is not shown.

In detail, the factory is supplied with flour, delivered by truck to storage silos. In the first two steps, flour taken from the silos is combined with water and oil to form dough. In the third and fourth steps, the dough is flattened into thin sheets through a set of rollers, and then sliced into long, narrow strips. These strips are sliced lengthwise and flattened into small discs, which, in step six, are deep fried in an oil bath and dried. The dried noodles are combined with dehydrated vegetables and spices into cups in step seven, after which they are labeled and sealed, ready for delivery to stores.

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