Please review my IELTS essay

Topic: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In some regions, children are taught hard work will help them achieve their goals. It can be motivation for kids on their own way to success, but at the same time, it can also turn into backfire if we put too much pressure on those kids.

On the one hand, there are several reason why children might have been taught to try hard as possible they can. To begin with, the most significant benefit of the emphasis on effort and achievement is that it can encourage young people to pursue their dreams. Consequently, it pushes them to become the best version of themselves through working hard and staying positive. Take Lisa from Blackpink as an example, she just a foreign trainee who were trained in Korea in just a few years ago but by persistence and training regurlarly, she now is not only the most famous member of the group but also a brand ambassador, a global fashion icon. Another benefit is that it keeps children encouraged even when they fail. In other words, when children grow into adults and start chasing their dreams, they will surely encounter hardships. And that makes them want to conquer challenges to the end because in their dictionary there is no word related to giving up.

On the other hand, the biggest disadvantage of the notion that diligence ensures success is that they will become negative by push themselves to their limits and work too hard. As a result, they might suffer from mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and isolation. According to a survey from UNICEF, Korea, Japan and China are the three countries with the highest rates of child suicide in the world that account for a half in total. Moreover, this teaching can hurt the self-esteem of those with unrealistic goals. In fact, there is a more complex interplay between the talent, effort, and luck required to produce great achievements than merely hard work. Particularly, a person without acting skill is impossible to become an actor or an actress, regardless of how much concerted effort he or she makes.

To sum up, it is no doubt that there is no success without effort, unless you were born into a prosperous family. Nevertheless, this teaching may produce undesirable outcomes in situations where hard work is not the key.