Please review my Ielts essay

Question

Topic: The bar chart shows the average size class in primary schools and lower secondary schools
in 6 countries compared to the world average in 2006.

My essay:

The bar chart compares the average number of pupils per class in primary and lower secondary schools in 6 different countries with the world average.
In general, two countries in Asia stood in the first position in the number of students. Additionally, both the average size class of Denmark and Iceland in two schools was lower than the world average.
The average size class of the world has students in lower secondary schools higher than primary schools. It was 28 and 25 pupils respectively. This trend also belonged to South Korea, Japan and Mexico. Pupils who studied in lower secondary schools were nearly similar in South Korea and Japan, with around 35 students. It was slightly lower in Mexico, with 30 pupils. South Korea and Japan still had the average size class in primary schools bigger than the world average of about 4-9 students. In contrast, Mexico just had 20 students in primary schools.
In Denmark and Iceland, students per class were average about 20 - 23 students for both primary and lower secondary schools. It was lower compared with the world. The UK had the smallest size class in primary schools, by under 20 students. But their figures for lower secondary schools was higher than the world average, by 27 students.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart compares the average number of pupils per class in primary and lower secondary schools in 6 (Use digits and numerals for data values. If they are categories, use words.) six different countries with the world average. (What are the six countries?)

In general

In general, two countries in Asia (The reader is confused because you have not named any countries. Bad for cohesion and coherence.) ~~stood in the first position~~ (Does that mean that they were the best?) had the largest class sizes. ~~in the number of students~~. Additionally, both ~~the average size class of~~ Denmark and Iceland were ~~in two schools~~ ~~was~~ lower than the world average.

The average size class of the world has students in lower secondary schools higher than primary schools.

That is not a good sentence. Higher students means they are taller. Here are some good sentences:

In the world, the average class size is 25 for primary school and 28 for lower secondary.

In the world, the average class size for lower secondary school is three more than for primary school.
Considering all the countries in the world, the average class size is lower in primary school than in lower secondary school.

It was 28 and 25 pupils respectively. This ~~trend~~ (wrong word. A trend happens over time. ) ~~also belonged to~~ pattern also occurred in South Korea, Japan and Mexico. Pupils who studied in lower secondary schools were nearly similar (It is not about pupils, but class size) in South Korea and Japan, with around 35 students. It was slightly lower in Mexico, with 30 pupils. South Korea and Japan still had the average size class in primary schools higher/larger ~~bigger~~ than the world average of about 4-9 students. (That is incorrect. The world average is not 4-9 students.) In contrast, Mexico ~~just~~ had just 20 students ~~in primary school~~s.
In Denmark and Iceland, the numbers of students per class were ~~average~~ about 20 - 23 ~~students~~ for both primary and lower secondary schools. It was lower compared with the world. The UK had the smallest ~~size~~ class size in primary schools, by under 20 students. (This makes no sense) But ~~their figures~~ for lower secondary schools, it was higher than the world average, by 27 students. (incorrect. The world average is 28. You wrote that the UK average is higher by 27 students, which means that it is 55 students. (28 + 27) But on the chart, it is not higher. It is lower. )

You make many errors in describing mathematical relationships.

If you would like a sample essay, you may ask for one.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart compares the class sizes of primary and lower secondary schools in six countries as well as the world averages. The countries shown are two in Asia (Korea and Japan), three in Europe (the UK, Denmark and Iceland), and one in Central America (Mexico).

Overall, class sizes in the European countries were lower than the world averages, with the one exception of UK primary schoo

Overall, class sizes in the European countries were lower than the world averages, with the one exception of UK primary schools. The two Asian countries had significantly higher averages. Moreover, the Asian countries and Mexico had larger class sizes in lower secondary compared to primary school.

In detail, world class sizes were 28 and 25 students for lower secondary and primary schools, respectively. In comparison, South Korea had the largest, 36 and 34. On the other extreme was Iceland with the smallest, 20 and 21. Besides South Korea, two of the others ( Mexico and Japan) had secondary school classes which were larger than the global average, 34 and 30, respectively. For primary school, the smallest averages were in Mexico (20) and Iceland (21). South Korea, Japan and the UK, (34, 29 and 27) all were above the global average.

Please review my Ielts essay

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions