Please review my IELTS essay

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Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.Topic:It is impossible to help all people in the world, so governments should focus on people in their own countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?My essay:Some people believe that governments should only support their local citizens instead of helping residents in other countries. Although it is true that the government need to focus on their own people, I believe that it is also possible to provide support for others around the world.To begin with, there are some reasons why governments should help people in their own nations. Since local residents pay taxes for operation of the governments, they should be responsible for improving living standards of their own citizens. The authorities, for example, should possibly maintain security of citizens by imposing laws for dealing with crimes, and ensuring well-being of residents by providing welfare services such as education, healthcare and residential housing. If the government does not fulfill their responsibility in helping their own citizens, people in the country would feel disappointed about the administration and then no longer put their trust in it.However, I would argue that we could also support individuals coming from other parts of the world. First, when people in other countries face with serious diseases, the government of a wealthy nation could provide those countries with medical aids, such as doctors or medical equipment to support citizens there, which certainly help improve human quality of life in these areas. Additionally, if the government provide support for individuals in other countries, their citizens would possibly receive similar helps in case of need. For instance, when Japan suffered from tsunami and earthquake in 2011, many governments of countries delivered volunteers there to support Japanese local residents to overcome setbacks.In conclusion, while I agree that the government should give priority to help their own residents, I believe that supporting all individuals in other countries would be totally feasible.(288 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Some people believe that governments should only support their local citizens instead of helping residents in other countries. Although it is true that the government need to focus on their own people, I believe that it is also possible to provide support for others around the world.

Topic:

It is impossible to help all people in the world, so governments should focus on people

Topic:

It is impossible to help all people in the world, so governments should focus on people in their own countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is very important in IELTS to follow the instructions and answer the essay prompt.
In your opening paragraph, I do not see an answer to the prompt: "To what extent do you agree..."
It probably will not cause you to lose points, but why take the chance?

Here is my example. The underlined word is an adverb of extent. It answers the question directly, clearly and precisely. The examiner does not have to guess! Learn a handful of adverbs of extent, because this is a common prompt.

There are many hundreds of millions of impoverished people in the world but people in wealthier nations feel that their governments must provide programs and money for their own needy people as a first priority. I somewhat agree with this opinion, but am convinced that for every three dollars allocated to internal social programs, one dollar has to be reserved for where it is needed the most in the world.

To begin with, there are some reasons why governments should help people in their own nations. Since local residents pay taxes for the operation of the governments, they should be responsible for improving living standards of their own citizens. The authorities, for example, should ~~possibly~~ maintain security of citizens by imposing laws for dealing with crimes, and ensuring well-being of residents by providing welfare services such as education, healthcare and residential housing. If the government does not fulfill their responsibility in helping their own citizens, people in the country would feel disappointed and vote for other leaders in the next election. ~~about the administration and then no longer put their trust in it~~.

However, ~~I would argue that~~ (Avoid writing your opinion in a body paragraph. Your opinion is in the first paragraph. The purpose of the body paragraph is to present arguments supporting that opinion.) we could also support individuals located in ~~coming from~~ other parts of the world. First, when people in other countries face ~~with~~ (wrong usage. People face difficulties. (active voice.) People are faced with difficulties. (Passive voice.) Do not confuse these two.) serious diseases, the government of a wealthy nation could provide those countries with medical aid ~~aids~~, (Aid is non-count) such as doctors or medical equipment to support citizens there, which certainly help improve ~~human~~ the quality of life in these areas. Additionally, if the government provide support for individuals in other countries, their citizens would possibly receive similar help ~~helps~~ (Help is non-count) in case of need. For instance, when Japan was hit by natural disasters, ~~suffered from~~ the tsunami and earthquake in 2011, many governments of other countries delivered volunteers there to support Japanese local residents to recover and rebuild. ~~overcome setbacks~~.

In conclusion, while I agree that the government should give priority to help their own residents, I believe that supporting all individuals in other countries would be totally feasible.

Please review my IELTS essay

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