Please review my IELTS essay

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Topic:Some people think students should study the science of food and how to prepare it. Others think that school time should be used in learning important subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion?My essay:Nowadays, it is argued that whether food science and its practical preparation or the core subjects deserves a higher appreciation among students . While the former is actually meaningful, the latter hones fundamental grasp. I believe that both kinds of knowledge have distinctive influences on learners’ personal development, therefore, should be equally taken into account.Firstly, I contend that it is essential for students to be equipped with the knowledge of food science and culinary skills due to its practical value. Once having an understanding of nutrition and cooking ingredients, undergraduates can be aware of their intakes. They thus can avoid detrimental items, maintain a positive eating habit and eventually encourage others to cultivate a similar lifestyle. Additionally, practical cooking is also an indispensable skill for those who want to manage an independent life. Instead of relying on fast food and ready-made products, people can make food themselves to enjoy meals with their pleasant taste and make cutbacks. At that point, those lessons in food preparation is worthy.Secondly, it is undeniable that core subjects play a pivotal role in scholars’ intellectual improvement, which helps them acquire necessary skills to plan for a better future. Thanks to theoretical units or various formulae involved in these subjects, learners are offered significant chances to foster critical thinking and problem-solving skills that are crucial in today’s competitive job market. Because of this rationale, subjects like Literature or Mathematics should be a mandatory part of the curriculum to lay the foundation for job prospects later on.In conclusion, students should be taught about food science and the way to make it as well as important subjects to become potential workers with a healthy life.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Nowadays, it is argued that whether food science and its practical preparation or the core subjects deserves a higher appreciation (That is not the topic. The topic is if the administrators of the schools should add this subject as part of the core curriculum. ) among students . While the former (The concept or noun you are referring to is unclear. Only use former... latter when the choice is very obvious.) is actually meaningful, the latter hones fundamental grasp. (That is poor English and it makes no sense.) I believe that both ~~kinds of knowledge~~ have distinctive influences on learners’ personal development, and therefore, should be equally taken into account. (I don't know what you mean by this. State your position clearly, emphatically and directly.

For example:

I agree that nutrition and home economics is not as vital as math, language and science, but it is important enough to be added as an elective to the curriculum.

Mothers should teach their children about food preparation and nutrition. This subject should not be taught in the schools.

When high school students graduate, it is as important for them to have the skills of independent living, which includes shopping for ingredients and preparing nutritious meals. This subject is so important that it must be taught along with math, science and language throughout secondary school.

~~Firstly~~, First ~~I contend that~~ (Do not write your opinion in a body paragraph. Your opinion is stated in the introduction. The purpose of the body paragraphs is to present your argument points. ) it is essential for students to be equipped with the knowledge of food science and culinary skills due to its practical value. Once having an understanding of nutrition and cooking ingredients, undergraduates (This is not about tertiary education where students pick a major subject and the courses. It is about high school, which has required courses for each year.) can be aware of their intakes. (wrong word) They thus can avoid detrimental items, maintain a positive eating habit and eventually encourage others to cultivate a similar lifestyle. Additionally, practical cooking is also an indispensable skill for those who want to manage an independent life. Instead of relying on fast food and ready-made products, people can make food themselves to enjoy delicious meals ~~with their pleasant taste~~ and make cutbacks. (I don't understand. Do you mean they eat less?) At that point, those lessons in food preparation is worthy.

~~Secondly~~, Second, it is undeniable that core subjects play a pivotal role in scholars’ intellectual improvement, which helps them acquire necessary skills to plan for a better future. Thanks to theoretical units or various formulae involved (Poor English. ) in these subjects, learners are offered significant chances to foster critical thinking and problem-solving skills that are crucial in today’s competitive job market. Because of this rationale, subjects like Literature or Mathematics should be a mandatory part of the curriculum to lay the foundation for job prospects later on.

In conclusion, students should be taught about food science and the way to make it as well as important subjects to become potential workers with a healthy life.

Please review my IELTS essay

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