Please review my IELTS essay

TOPIC:

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

MY WRITING:

It is argued that retirement age should be raised significantly due to the majority of senior citizens. This essay agrees that the elderly should contribute more to their work despite their old age. This essay will focus on two main reasons: to curb stress on welfare states and to boost economic growth.

The large amount of money spent on social welfare annually is attributed to a considerable rise in life expectancy. As people are living much longer but they retire from work early, governments are responsible for a series of payments while their citizens are alive. This leads to the crisis of caregiving. For instance, many Japanese people propose raising their retirement age from 65 to 75 on account of the fact that old Japanese adults feel that they are healthy enough to continue working and help their government to a certain degree.

Owing to a surprising decline in birth rates in many countries, old people become the main labour workforce for the time being. In spite of their old age, they are not as weak as their precedents were. Thanks to the high quality of public health, human lifespan is lengthened and the old can show off their efficiency of work. Economic statistics, therefore, grow steadily. It is not difficult to catch sight of skillful groups of older labour in the world, especially in traditional craft villages.

In conclusion, retirement age needs regulating appropriately inasmuch as life expectancy is improved year after year. This truly has positive effects on the whole society.

(253 words)