Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: The bar chart shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010

My essay:

The bar chart depicts the expenses of the France and UK spent on five various types of goods, namely cars, computers, books, perfume, and cameras. Units are measured in pounds stealing throughout 2010.

On the whole, the 2010 period recorded that it took the UK noticeably more money on almost all consumer goods than the remaining country, except computers and perfume. Besides, cars had the highest statistics for both countries and perfume, by contrast, was the least in the same term. Also, the most significant disparities between those nations were on cars where France was outnumbered by far.

Looking at the chart in specific, just over 450,000 and exactly 400,000 pounds were paid for cars in France and UK respectively, in comparison to that of books which marginally gained less than at just over 400000 and around 300000 in the same order of countries as above. Furthermore, there was an overwhelming amount about cameras group at more than 350,000 was expended by the UK, which doubled that of France, at only around 150,000.

On the other hand, regarding computers where France picked a slightly larger, with its amount was barely 400,000 as opposed to perfume, it had a figure of precise 200,000 pounds paid by the UK.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You are trying to write convoluted and complex sentences. It does not give you a good score. It will lower your score because the reader has difficulties understanding what you mean. Write clear, direct and natural sentences.

You should have three paragraphs: 1. Description of the bar chart, 2. main features, and 3. some detailed comparisons.

You need to review clauses and sentence structure as you have written many ungrammatical sentences.

Your essay was a little bit too long, over 200 words. Aim for 170-190.

The bar chart depicts the expenses (wrong word) of the France (incorrect country name) and UK (incorrect country name) spent (Ungrammatical clause structure. You cannot use a main clause as the object of a preposition.) on five ~~various~~ types of goods, namely cars, computers, books, perfume, and cameras. Units are measured in pounds stealing (wrong word - Stealing is theft or robbery.) throughout (not the best word choice) 2010.

On the whole, ~~the 2010 period recorded that~~ ( Periods do not record things, people do. You need to use the passive voice, but still, it will be rather awkward English) it took the UK noticeably more money (, That does not make sense.) on almost all consumer goods than the remaining country, (awkward, Just use "France") except computers and perfume. Besides, cars had the highest statistics (wrong word) for both countries and perfume, by contrast, was the least in the same term. (awkward.) Also, the most significant disparities (wrong form) between those nations were on cars where France was outnumbered (wrong word) by far.

~~Looking at the chart in specific,~~ just over 450,000 and exactly 400,000 pounds were paid for cars in France and UK (incorrect country name) respectively, in comparison to that of books which marginally gained (wrong word) less than at (wrong word) just over 400000 and around 300000 in the same order of countries as above. (awkward, difficult to understand) Furthermore, there was an overwhelming (wrong word) amount about cameras group (wrong expression ) at more than 350,000 was expended by the UK, (Ungrammatical clause structure. You cannot use a main clause as the object of a preposition.) which doubled that of France, at only around 150,000.

On the other hand, (incorrect transition phrase.) regarding computers where France picked (wrong word) a slightly larger, (ungrammatical. larger is an adjective. you cannot use it as a noun.) with its amount was barely 400,000 (Ungrammatical clause structure. You cannot use a main clause as the object of a preposition.) as opposed to perfume, (Ungrammatical - comma splice error.) it had a value ~~figure~~ of precise 200,000 pounds paid by the UK. (wrong expression )

Sample essay

Opening paragraph:

The bar chart compares the spending by French and British people in 2010 on five different categories of consumer items – cars, computers, books, perfume, and cameras. The units of measure are pounds sterling (pounds).

Paragraph #2 "Overall" This paragraph has 2 or 3 of the most significant observations. The first point is from summing all five categories for each country.

Overall, in total the British outspent the French, by a substantial margin. And their expenditures were larger in three of the five categories (cars, books and cameras). The largest differences were in cameras, where the British spent more more than double, and books, where the French spent about three-quarters that of the British. The French purchase amounts in the other two categories - computers and perfumes - exceeded that of the British, but not by very much.

Paragraph #3. Write about some interesting details. Do not write about every data point on the chart. You are only supposed to summarize and highlight the features.

For both countries, cars represented the largest amounts spent, 450,000 pounds for the British and 50,000 less for the French (400 thousand). After cars, the next largest category for the British was books, and computers for the French. The British spent about 30,000 pounds more for books than the French did for computers. And cameras represented the third largest spending category for the British, exceeding computers by a very narrow margin of only about 2,000 pounds. Perfume was the smallest category for the UK consumers (slightly less than 150,000 pounds). The French spent more on perfume (200,000 pounds) than they did on cameras, which was their smallest outlay at 150,000 pounds.

Please review my IELTS essay

Topic: The bar chart shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010

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