Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

While many hold that advertising proves remarkably effective in improving sales, others aver that so ubiquitous is advertising that consumers ignore it. Although both positions are justifiable, I am in favor of the latter.
On the one hand, there would be a compelling reason as to the firm belief that advertising succeeds in persuading people to buy advertised products. Because ads often contain vivid pictures describing products positively, they may influence present-day consumer's shopping behavior, one of which can be impulse buying.
On the other hand, it would be understandable why some firmly believe that the ubiquity of advertisements no longer captures people's attention. First, advertisements at times appear while people are watching their favorite programs or videos, leading to not only people's anger but also their total disregard for ads. Such viewers only hope that these annoying ads will be over soon so that they can return to what they have watched. Second, as advertising is becoming increasingly common, people may have doubts as to the quality of ads' content. Indeed, some advertisements do not reveal imperfections of their products to customers, but they still persuade them to buy such products. The result may be that consumers can be disappointed with the work ethic of advertising companies, and they can distrust advertisements henceforth.
In conclusion, that advertising is successful at promoting products would be due to its graphic pictures and positive description of products. And people's disregard for advertisements though ubiquitous may stem from the disruptive nature of ads and their flawed content. It is a conundrum since both positions carry the same weight, but I believe that advertisements are not as effective in persuading people to buy products as they used to and that people no longer pay heed to advertising in light of the mentioned reasons.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

I don't know what kind of score you're aiming for, but the above essay would struggle to get anything higher than 6 in the IELTS test.

You have some good ideas, but you need to develop then and give examples to persuade the reader/examiner. Present an idea, develop it and give an example. Then move on to the next idea. This is the structure of a good body paragraph.

It is also very important to simplify your phrasing and focus on using correct grammar. It is MUCH better to write a concise grammatical sentence than a long cumbersome unnatural one that's full of errors. Also, shorten your conclusion and do not include new ideas in it. In the conclusion, there should be no ambiguities or "conundrums". Your position must be decided BEFORE you start writing the essay. You indicate that position clearly in the last sentence of the introduction, and you simply reaffirm it in the conclusion.

Revise your text and post it again. If you still need help/clarification, PM me.

Nhật Bình · Answer

I hope that you can re-check it, and help me simplify my phrasing. Thank you!!!

While many hold that advertising proves remarkably effective in improving sales, others aver that so ubiquitous is advertising that consumers ignore it. Although both positions are justifiable, I am in favor of the latter.
On the one hand, there is a compelling reason as to the firm belief that advertising succeeds in persuading people to buy advertised products. Because ads often contain vivid pictures describing products positively, they may influence present-day consumer's shopping behavior, one of which can be impulse buying.
On the other hand, it would be understandable why some firmly believe that the ubiquity of advertisements no longer captures people's attention. First, advertisements at times appear while people are watching their favorite programs or videos, which leads to not only people's anger but also their total disregard for ads. Such viewers only hope that these annoying ads will be over soon so that they can return to what they are watching. Second, as advertising is becoming increasingly common, people may have doubts as to the quality of ads' content. Indeed, some advertisements do not reveal imperfections of their products to customers; however, they still persuade them to buy such products. The result may be that consumers can be disappointed with the work ethic of advertising companies, and they can distrust and completely ignore advertisements henceforth.
In conclusion, that advertising is successful at promoting products would be due to its graphic pictures and positive description of products. And people's disregard for advertisements despite their ubiquity may stem from the disruptive nature of ads and their flawed content.

Please review my IELTS essay

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