Please review my IELTS essay

Topic: Write an essay in which you argue whether you think television viewing is overall helpful ORharmful to children. Support your position with clearly focused body paragraphs which include specific examples from your own observation and experience.

My essay:

Since the embracement of technology by modern society, several aspects have been modified to suit children’s needs, and one such practice is television. Television is a popular place where people can watch news, movies, music shows, etc. However, some parents said television viewing is harmful to children because TV causes obesity and affects the behavior of their children.

Television viewing makes children lack physical activity and lead to obesity. If the children spend long hours watching T.V., they will not want to do anything that affects the body. Moreover, they’ll become lazy and they don’t want to participate in any other physical activity besides watch television. While the children watch television, they usually eat a lot of junk foods, that contain a lot of sugar, fats, and carbs, which lead to an increase in energy intake. That’s the reason why the rate of obesity is increasing rapidly. Instead of going out to exercise or play with other children to help their body stay in shape, they choose to watch television and eat snacks, sweet candies, or soft drinks, those foods have low nutrition value. That’s consumed many negative effects on their body, especially obesity.

Second, television viewing affects the behavior of children. Once children watch some superhero movies, they intend to act like them such as fighting or killing the enemy to protect humans and save the life of everyone. They might be doing the same thing with their friends because they think it’s the right behavior. Besides, when the children saw some violent videos on T.V., they couldn’t tell the differences between reality and fantasy, so they would learn violence from the videos and lead to more aggressive behaviors. If the children have a conflict with friends, they’ll fight with them without talking because that’s the thing they learned from watching the violent video.

Based on the negatives discussed above, it is undoubtful that television viewing can easily lead to overweight and aggressive behaviors. Parents need to choose videos carefully before their children watch it unless the negative, or violent scenes can affect children and might be can cause many consequences such as violence in school.