Please review my IELTS essay

Topic:

People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extend do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

It is a common belief that people should maintain good health for their benefits rather than responsibility towards society. While I advocate that on account of personal advantages, people should look after their health, I also think that this is an obligation to the community.

On the one hand, it is true that health should be cared for because of personal benefits to a certain extent. To begin with, getting good health will help people to have positive energy to do what they are passionate about. Especially, enjoying excellent health allows them to stay constantly alert and concentrate better on working and studying, thus improving their productivity. Moreover, when people check up their health regularly, they can prevent the risk of chronic diseases and combat aging. This is one of the optimal methods to detect disease and has a treatment regimen soon by a doctor; besides, it saves a lot of money.

Nevertheless, I would argue that looking after health is also the duty of people towards society. Firstly, citizens can be infected by a person who is the pathogen. Recently, in the COVID-19 pandemic in Vietnam, two 17th and 34th patients still went out and met many people, which rapidly spread this disease to a large number of people. Furthermore, when numerous people have severe illnesses at the same time, this will become, a heavy burden for the healthcare system. According to the newspaper, a lot of people having a severe illness related to lungs need a substantial number of ventilators, but all hospitals in Vietnam cannot cope with this demand.

In conclusion, I support the view that not only can people who maintain their health well achieve good personal effects, but it is also their responsibility towards society.