PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS ESSAY

Question

The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age.Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.The three vertical bar charts compare the percentage of three type of music album (Rock, Pop and Classical music) which are purchased by the different four age groups and sex in Britain.Overall, men were dominant music album purchasers in every kind of music genre. In addition, Rock is the most popular music type among the three categories mentioned here while people purchasing classical music album is mostly over 45 years.In particular, more than a quarter British males purchase Rock and Pop music albums compared to less than two in tenth purchase did by women. There is a similar trend could be obsevered in Classical music with less than 10% for both gender. As depicted in the bar charts, there are significant variations in the sales of the albums for the different age groups. As well as are the prevelant genres music among young British, Rock and Pop which the purchasing habits of all the four age groups have an almost identical pattern. Buyers from 25-34 years old are well head than other age groups in both Rock and Pop music. It is followed by the youngest age group ( from 16-24 years old) and they totally purchased more than 60% . Surprisingly, just one in ten the British purchased Pop and Rock music album meanwhile their main interest is clasical music with above 20%.  As expected, the youngest age group is completely uninterested in with only 1% sale share. Interestingly, the British from 25-34 age group perfered classical music (above 15%) while the mid-thirties group did not (less than 5%).

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote over 260 words, while the minimum is 150.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, especially in Task 2, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. In Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.

This advice is very particular to you, because you make so many grammatical errors – sentence structure, spelling and word forms.

Your strategy for writing Task 1:

1. 5 minutes: Study the infographic. Pick put 2 or 3 main observations and note some comparisons. Decide if this is a three or four-paragraph essay.

2. 10 minutes. Write the essay.

3. 5 minutes - proofread and revise, correcting your mistakes.

You wrote four paragraphs, but this should be a three-paragraph essay.

1. Describe the infographic. This tells the examiner that you understand what is being portrayed. Do not mention any data values.
2. Write 2-3 significant observations from the data.

3. Write about some interesting details.

The three vertical bar charts compare the percentage of three type of music album (Rock, Pop and Classical music) which are purchased by the different four (wrong word order) age groups and *** ("purchased by the ***" is very strange English!) in Britain.

Overall, men were dominant music album purchasers in every kind of music genre. In addition, Rock is the most popular music type among the three categories ~~mentioned here~~ while people purchasing classical music album (wrong form) is (wrong form) mostly over 45 years.

In particular, more than a quarter British males purchase Rock and Pop music albums compared to less than two in tenth (wrong word) purchase did by women. (ungrammatical ) There is a similar trend (wrong word) could be obsevered (wrong form, ungrammatical clause structure ) in Classical music with less than 10% for both gender. (wrong form)

~~As depicted in the bar charts,~~ (wordy, excessive verbiage ) there are significant variations in the sales of the albums for the different age groups. As well as are (ungrammatical. "As well as" is not a noun) the prevelant (wrong form) genres music (wrong expression) among young British, Rock and Pop which the purchasing habits of all the four age groups (It is impossible to understand your writing.) have an almost identical pattern. Buyers from 25-34 years old are well head (wrong word) than (wrong word) other age groups in both Rock and Pop music. It is followed by the youngest age group ( from 16-24 years old) and they totally (wrong word) purchased more than 60% . Surprisingly, just one in ten the British (wrong expression) purchased Pop and Rock music album (wrong form) meanwhile (wrong word, run-on sentence, ungrammatical) their main interest is clasical music with above 20%. ~~As expected~~, (This is an opinion. Do not write opinions or draw conclusions in Task 1.) the youngest age group is completely uninterested (This is an opinion. Do not write opinions or draw conclusions in Task 1.) in with only 1% sale share. (wrong expression) Interestingly, the British from 25-34 age group (wrong expression) perfered classical music (above 15%) while the mid-thirties group did not (less than 5%).

PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS ESSAY

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