Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

My essay:

As a result of advancements in communication in the global village, being a multilingual has been becoming a basic requirement in educating. That leads to a hotly debated topic about the idea education stage to introduce a foreign language to the students: at primary school or at secondary school. I strongly believe that teaching new language to young children has far more positive effects than hamful impacts.

The first benefit of starting learning a foreign language at primary school is that the children at 4-10 ages have much greater potential to pick up new languages than those from other age groups. Many studies have shown the ability to remember things faster and more effective in young children. In addition, they are comfortable making mistakes and souding foolish, which are the most dauting hurdles in learing a language process. Some would argue that at such a young age, children have not yet been fluent in their own mother tongue. Therefore, learing mutiple languages in primary classes can cause the confusion between the child's native tongue and the foreign language. However, with the frequency of using mother tongue in the native environment, combining abilities of fast learner, this problem can be solved quickly.

Moreover, students can take advantage of the less pressure curriculum at primary school, compared to higher grade levels, in order to get familiar with a new language. For example, I was first introduced to English when I was at grade 6 in secondary school, and I could not properly concentrate to the something else besides my core subjects like maths, literature and physics. By contrast, when the general education program changed, my younger sister had earlier exposure to English at grade 3, she easily spent time figuring out the most suitable study method for her.

In conclusion, apart from minor disadvantages, educating children from young age to be multilingual facilitates the learning languages process afterwards because of their innate abilities and suitable academic program at primary school.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

As a result of advancements in communication in the global village, (That does not really apply to this topic. "Advances in communication" refers to cellular telephony, and other communications technology. That is not the essay topic. Many beginning essayists always write something related to "advancement / advent / development of technology" in the opening paragraph, regardless of the topic. Examiners do not reward this practice. ) being a multilingual (Multilingual is usually an adjective.) ~~has been becoming~~ is a basic requirement ~~in educating~~. (wrong word) That leads to a hotly debated topic (Off-topic. There is no debate. Lots of beginning essay writers say that the topic is a "hot debate" when all the topic wants is your opinion. Examiners do not appreciate hyperbole - exaggerated language and statements that are patently untrue. ) about the idea education stage (The is not a natural English expression) to introduce a foreign language to the students: at primary school or at secondary school. I strongly believe that teaching ~~new~~ a foreign language to young children has far more positive effects than hamful impacts.

Model opening:

First, I show the importance of being fluent in languages which are required for international business.
Second, I introduce the idea of these languages being taught in the schools of developing countries.
Third, I give my opinion on the essay prompt, using "benefit" and "harm" as synonyms of "advantages" and disadvantages."

With increasing globalization, the importance of being fluent in a foreign language such as Chinese or English, both of which are used in international businesses and diplomacy, has increased, particularly in developing countries. The education authorities of these nations have responded by incorporating foreign language classes in the standard school curricula. Besides which languages to offer, they have to decide what grade level to start. I am of the opinion that children benefit greatly if they are introduced to a foreign language before they are twelve years old. The earlier they are exposed to a new language, the better they learn it and the harms, if any, are negligible.

The first benefit of starting learning a foreign language at primary school is that the children at between the ages of 4 and 10 ~~ages~~ have much greater potential to pick up new languages than those from older ~~other~~ age groups. Many studies have shown that younger children have the ability to remember things faster and more effectively. ~~in young children~~. In addition, they are comfortable making mistakes and souding foolish, which are the most dauting hurdles in learing a language process. Some would argue that at such a young age, children ~~have~~ are not yet ~~been~~ fluent in their ~~own~~ mother tongue. Therefore, learing mutiple (both? Are you suggesting that young children be taught French, Chinese, and English? ) languages in primary classes can cause ~~the~~ confusion between the child's native tongue and the foreign language. However, because they use their native language at home and with their friends, and they have a large capacity for learning languages, the confusion seldom becomes a problem. ~~with the frequency of using mother tongue in the native environment, combining abilities of fast learner, this problem can be solved quickly.~~

Moreover, students can take advantage of the ~~less pressure curriculum~~ more relaxed and fun learning environment at primary school, compared to higher grade levels, ~~in order to get familiar with a new language~~. For example, I was first introduced to English when I was twelve years old at grade 6 in secondary school, and I could not properly concentrate on learning it in addition to ~~to the something else~~ ~~besides~~ my core subjects like maths, literature and physics. By contrast, when the general education program changed, my younger sister had earlier exposure to English at grade 3, (comma splice error) she easily absorbed the sounds, words and sentence patterns of English. ~~spent time figuring out the most suitable study method for her~~.

In conclusion, apart from a few minor disadvantages, educating children from young age to be multilingual facilitates the learning ~~languages~~ process afterwards because of their innate abilities. Therefore, I firmly support the introduction of English, Chinese or other useful language classes as early as age 4. ~~and suitable academic program at primary school.~~

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