Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic:My essay:The table shows the data about the amount of money US spent on importing fish over a period of 12 years, while pie charts describe the proportion of three major sources from where the US brought fish.It is clear that the total value of fish import value experienced a rapid increase from 1988 to 2000. In addition, sources of fish imported to the US became more diverse throughout the period shown.In 1988, US spent around 6.5 billion of dollars on importing fish. The figure continued to rise by approximately 3 billion of dollars in four years later. The total value climbed to 10.72 billion of dollars at the end of the period.The fish import in the US was mainly dependent on the supply from Canada in 1988, accounting for exactly 60% of the total imports. However, the percentage of this source declined significantly in the following years, stood at 30% in 2000. By contrast, China gradually became the largest suppliers of fish to the US, with more than twofold rise over the 12-year period. There was a marked change in the figure for other sources by nearly 20% growth between 1988 and 1992 before it decreased slightly in 2000.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote over 200 words. The minimum is 150. Your target should be 170-180. There is no maximum, but writing longer Task 1 essays will usually result in a lower score. There are three main reasons; first, the chance for more grammatical and spelling errors, second, the tendency to write about all the details, which is a violation of the instructions, and third, you will spend too much time on Task 1 and not have enough time for Task 2.

Task 1 instructions: (for all type 1 tasks) Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Next, you need to learn that the vocabulary that is good for line graphs, where data is continuous over a time period, is not usually appropriate for tables and pie charts where data is listed for a few separated time points.

The table shows the data about (incorrect) the amount of money US spent on importing fish over a period of 12 years, ("Period" is misleading. It implies all the years between a start and end year.) while the three pie charts describe (not a good word choice) the proportion of three major sources from where the US brought fish.

Suggested opening:

The infographic, consisting of a table and three pie charts, give the annual amount of money the US spent on imported fish, and the sources of those imports, respectively. The three rows of the table, 1988, 1992 and 2000 correspond to each of the pie charts. Three sources are shown, China, Canada, and all the others.

Key words:

Infographic: An infographic is a collection of imagery, charts, tables and graphs with minimal text. It gives an easy-to-understand overview of a topic.

Annual: For one year. The reader expects monetary values for each year

Those imports: The pronoun "those" links the data in the table to the data on the pie chart.

Respectively: Refers to two items. Dollar amounts - > in the table, and the sources - > in the pie charts.

1988, 1992 and 2000: There is no single time difference, so the years are listed separately.

China, Canada and others: The reader knows there will be three segments on each of the pie charts.

Note: This compact description permits the reader to visualize the figure. It prepares their minds for the main features and comparisons. The reader knows the key words, numbers and dates that will be in the body paragraphs. The reader knows how the table is connected to the pie charts.

~~It is clear that~~ (unnecessary words) Overall, the total value of fish import value (repetition) experienced (wrong word. Money does not have experiences.) a rapid (wrong word) increase from 1988 to 2000. In addition, sources of fish imported to the US became more diverse throughout the period(wrong expression. Throughout means every year in the period. You do not have that information.) shown.

In 1988, US spent around 6.5 billion of dollars(wrong expression) on imported ~~importing~~ fish. The figure(wrong word ) continued (wrong word) to rise by approximately 3 billion of dollars in four years(wrong expression) later. The total value climbed to 10.72 billion of dollars(wrong expression) at the end of the period.(wrong expression)

The fish import in the US was mainly dependent on the supply from Canada in 1988, accounting for exactly 60% of the total imports. However, the percentage of this source declined significantly in the following years, stood(wrong form) at 30% in 2000. By contrast, China gradually became the largest suppliers(wrong form) of fish to the US, with more than twofold rise over the 12-year period. There was a marked change in the figure(wrong word ) for other sources by nearly 20% growth between 1988 and 1992 before it decreased slightly in 2000. (wrong expression. id decreased sightly between 1992 and 2000.)

Please review my IELTS essay

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions