Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food, clothing, or medicine. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay

It is argued that people have not used products made from animals such as food, clothes items, or medicine thanks to the science development. I completely agree with this statement.

With the advance of science and technology, scientists find that ingredients on a plant-based diet not only provide sufficient nutrients for body, but also help prevent various potential health issues such as diabetes, cardiovascular problems, and high blood pressure. A healthy magazine in 2007 indicated that a person’s life expectancy who is vegetarian is higher than that of normal. In term of clothing, nowadays factories have produced successfully high quality synthesized fabric which are being used to replace material from animals’ fur or even skin. Therefore, people may be independent on animal to make essential items for them.

A different aspect of using animal for medicine, as we known that animal testing has an important role in medicine. However, these are no longer nowadays because of technology help, scientists can use computer programs to observe more accurate results on screen or study on cell structure instead of whole animals. Moreover, according to recent studies found that compounds which have on parts of several plants such as ginseng could prevent and cure diseases. Thus, the using animals on medicine is really unnecessary and need to be controlled to reduce suffering to animals.

In conclusion, I am inclined to support the view that people do not need to use animals for food, clothes and medicine and direct non – animal alternative methods such vegetable meals, artificial fabric and testing new medicine by technology.

Thank you very much!!!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is argued that people have not used products made from animals such as food, clothes items, or medicine thanks to the science development. (The meaning is different from the essay question. It means that people are no longer using products made from animals. Such products are no longer available because people do not buy them. You need to rewrite the opening sentence.) I completely agree with this statement.

~~With the advance of science and technology,~~ scientists find that ingredients (What does that have to do with the advance of science and technology?) on a plant-based diet (This is very abrupt. You need a logical introduction. What about clothing and medicine?) not only provide sufficient nutrients for body, but also help prevent various potential health issues such as diabetes, cardiovascular problems, and high blood pressure. A healthy magazine (People can be healthy, but it is very odd for a magazine to be healthy.) in 2007 indicated that the life expectancy of a person~~’s life expectancy~~ who is a vegetarian (Expectancy cannot be vegetarian.) is higher than that of a person who includes meat in their diet. ~~normal~~. (Normal people can be vegetarians.) In term of clothing, nowadays factories have produced successfully high-quality ~~synthesized~~ synthetic fabric which are (subject/verb mismatch) being used to replace ~~material from animals’~~ fur or leather. ~~even skin~~. Therefore, people may be independent on animal (wrong expression) to make essential items for them.

A different aspect of using animal (wrong form) for medicine, as we known that animal testing has an important role in medicine. However, these are no longer nowadays because of technology ~~help~~, scientists can use computer programs to observe more accurate results ~~on screen or study~~ on cell structure instead of whole animals. Moreover, according to recent studies found that compounds (Ungrammatical. There is no subject for the verb "found") which have on parts (wrong expression) of several plants such as ginseng could prevent and cure diseases. Thus, ~~the~~ using animals on medicine is really unnecessary and need to be controlled to reduce their suffering ~~to animals.~~

In conclusion, I am inclined to support (When you have an opinion like "completely agree", do not contradict it with "incline to support", which is much less definite.) the view that people do not need to use animals for food, clothes and medicine and ~~direct~~ non – animal alternatives ~~methods~~ such as vegetable meals, artificial fabric and testing new medicine by technology.

Hmm. I don't think I agree with you completely.

The World Health Organization has explicitly stated that animal research is a fundamental step in the search for a COVID-19 vaccine for humans. (https://www.understandinganimalresearch.org.uk/news/research-medical-benefits/can-we-fight-covid-19-without-animal-testing/)

Anyway, there are so many issues with your essay that I wrote a model essay for you. It uses most of your argument points but with natural English expressions. (about 300 words)

It is argued that people need not use animal-based products such as food, clothes, or medicine. This conclusion was made by researchers. I completely agree with this statement.

First, consider food and the meat supply. Humans are natural omnivores, which means they can live on a varied diet of both plants and animals. It has long been thought that meat, a source of protein, is essential. But food scientists have tested the healthiness of a vegetarian diet and and disproved that. Ingredients in a plant-based diet not only provide sufficient nutrients for body, but also can prevent various health issues such as diabetes, cardiovascular problems, and high blood pressure. An article in the magazine "Health" in 2007 claimed that the life expectancy of vegetarians is higher than that of people who ate a high proportion of meat in their diet.

Second, consider clothing. Humans have long used furs and leather but nowadays factories produce high-quality synthetic alternatives. Besides, natural fabrics made of cotton, silk and even wool are very traditional. There is absolutely no need for any animal to be killed for its skin.

The third item is medicine. Animal testing has an important role in the development of new drugs and medicines. However, scientists can use microbes as well as computer programs in investigations and limit animal testing. Moreover, recent studies found that natural compounds in plants such as ginseng have curative properties. Of course, traditional medicines made from endangered species such as rhinos and tigers have been proved to be completely bogus and ineffective.

In conclusion, I am fully in support of the view that people do not need to use animals for food, clothes and medicine. Science and technology provides everything we need to keep us warm and healthy.

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