Please review my IELTS essay .

Topic: Many people believe that money is important to our life. Discuss what do you think right uses of money are? And are there any other factors important to our life?

Essay:

Nowadays, the quality of life is improved and we cannot survive without money. Therefore, it is believed that money is an indispensable element in our daily life. While money is used for many right purposes, there are more important factors than money.

There are many right consumptions of money in our life. Firstly, it helps people satisfy their individual demands. For example, when they have a lot of money, they can pay off their life and they can fulfill their basic needs such as food, clothes or daily expenditure. Furthermore, we can invest money on education such as giving our children to school, making good conditions for them to study. Secondly, money is essential for jobs. For instance, some businessmen need money to invest on some of their projects. Or some young people want to start up and they need a large amount of money. Money can be used for charity activities.

However, there are others factors which are more important to our life. Firstly, health is one of the most important elements. For example, we can travel, play sports or do whatever we like with a good health. When we are strong, we can also earn much money. Secondly, happiness is really necessary. Happiness can make money but money cannot buy happiness. Some people feel pleased with their favorite job, their cozy family without having much money. And people who have act souls do not need money. It means that they just pursue their passions and they want to have a mental life instead of wealth and fame.

In conclusion, money is necessary for many right uses. However, there are other important factors in our life.