Please review my IELTS essay

Topic: Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

Some people believe that government should provide public subsidies for the promotion of healthy lifestyle, rather than treatment for already ill people. In my opinion, both should be equally funded.

On the one hand, it is essential for government to prioritize expenditure for promoting a healthy lifestyle. First, there are a lot of people who are little aware of their daily habits carrying many health risks. For example, students and working people who usually have to stay in front of the computer screen on a daily basic, which leads to back pain and short-sight. Additionally, they sometimes pay no attention to keep themselves fit as most people have sedentary lifestyle. Second, a healthy lifestyle provides people with resistance to a vast number of illnesses. As a result, there will be a decrease in the number of people suffering from diseases if they have healthy eating habits and take regular exercise. Therefore, government should make an emphasis on launching health awareness campaigns.

On the other hand, government should also provide the same funding for treating ill people. First, undoubtedly, not all illnesses are the result of unhealthy lifestyle. As a matter of fact, a lot of people are suffering asthmas or stomach cancer, which are resulted from polluted air and contaminated water in cities. The failure in providing preventive medicine has also caused the increase in the variety of chronic diseases. Second, by treating the patients, scientists and medical practitioners can collect data to search for a cure and discovery new treatments. Thus, they can improve the quality of services as well as expand human’s horizon.

In conclusion, I wholeheartedly believe that whether people are healthy or not, they should be treat similarly by government, who can raise public awareness of healthy lifestyle and provide satisfying healthcare services as well.

Thank you so much!