Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: Although more and more people read news on the Internet, newspaper will remain the most important source of news. Do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

The debate over the selection of online news or newspaper has become the issue of intense public and personal interest. While there exists the belief that newspaper is the most prominent news source, I believe online news should be promoted as the main priority of consideration.

There are several reasons why reading online news is becoming a ubiquitous trend. Firstly, the Internet can expose the online readers to up-to-the-minute news whenever something happens, 24 hours a day everyday. It is due to the fact that in the digital age, it is easier for reporters to disseminate information through audio and visual communication media. Secondly, the source of online news is accessible as long as people get a laptop or a smartphone belonging to themselves. Those portable devices make it possible to catch up on the news no matters wherever they are.

I also argue that newspapers have downsides which affect their popularity. One obvious drawback is the cost people have to cover to have them. Compared with the free of charge news online, the press is losing popularity because of falling circulation figures. Some American newspapers now have their own news website along with their printed edition in order to alleviate that problem. Another point supporting this view is that the consumption of paper for the print media is often associated with an environmental concern. To meet the requirement of paper, people have to cut down a large number of trees, which paves the way for deforestation, habitat damage, biodiversity loss. If people did not make effort to stop or slow this process, the future generation would soon suffer the degradation of habitat.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that reading newspapers is not an optimal option, and community attention should shift to online news.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

1) ~~the~~ an issue of intense public and personal interest. (Really? It's just more convenient online; the issue is newspapers have lost their advertising revenue, and cannot afford independent journalists anymore.)

2) there exists the belief that : although this phrase crops up about a dozen times on Google books, it seems to require a special context, or is being used by a non-native author. https://www.google.com/search?q=%22there%20exists%20the%20belief%20that%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en It is also redundant.

3) newspaper is the most prominent news source: most common way to generalize with a countable noun is to use the plural. -> newspapers are .. Also, 'newspapers' now exist more as a brand name online, than as physical media.

4) online news should be promoted : it is all about demand.

5) the main priority of consideration: not a phrase that comes up on Google Books; therefore not safe to use. What did you mean, anyway?

6) expose: how does it expose the reader exactly? What not simply 'brings the online reader' ?

7) It is due to the fact that: why not 'this is because' ? Simple clear English is better.

8) people get a laptop or a smartphone belonging to themselves: people have internet access. They can use a public or friend's computer or device.

9) no matters where -> no matter ...

10) I also argue:

11) free of charge: multi-word phrasal adjectives before the noun are usually hyphenated

12) the press is losing popularity because of falling circulation figures: not because of, but rather falling circulation is a symptom.

13) Another point supporting this view: does not appear on Google Books, therefore avoid. Best to avoid this type of cumbersome and intrusive linkage: IELTS marking criteria indicate that cohesion should be unobtrusive.

14) To meet the requirement of paper: to meet the demand for paper

15) people have to cut down a large number of trees: it would be more natural to use a passive here.

16) paves the way: unfortunate metaphor in the context: 'leads to' would be more natural.

17) the future generation: I was expecting 'future generations' - plural to generalize a countable noun

18) the degradation of habitat: either 'habitat degradation', the degradation of their habitat, degradation of their habitat, or simply 'environmental problems'. Why not first conditional? Are you implying that people read online out of concern for the environment?

19) reading physical newspapers: make the distinction with online

20) optimal option: almost repetition. Both have the same root 'opt' meaning to choose.

21) community attention : why are you talking about this all of a sudden? Is this an attempt to paraphrase 'people should read the news online' ? If so, it fails.

At almost three hundred words, you could prune some of the redundant wording and phrases.

The question asks whether you agree with a prediction, ' newspaper will remain the most important source of news': you have not addressed this at all. I would therefore expect a low score for Task Response.

Please review my IELTS essay

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