Please review my IELT essay : Writing task 1: UK acid rain emission

Question

Please review and help to judge how many scores my essay can gain?

My essays:

The line chart compares the amount of acid rain emissions were produced in four sectors: transport and communication, electricity, gas and water supply, domestic and other industries during the period from 1990 to 2007 in the UK.

Generally. the total amount of acid rain emissions in the UK decreased between 1990 and 2007. It can be seen that acid rain gases from the transport and communication sector remained almost unchanged from 1990 to 2007 while that of the three remaining sectors declined. It is noticeable that the most considerable decrease was seen in the electricity gas and water supply sector.

In 1990 there were about 0.6 million tones of emissions that were produced by domestic sector. Transport and communication sector made more than domestic sector only about 0.1 million tones of gases while more considerable acid rain emissions were created by electricity gas and water supply sector and other industries with over 2 million tones and around 3.3 million tones respectively at that time.

From 1990 to 2007, the amount of acid rain gases from transport and communication sector increased steadily and reached a peak of 1 million tones in 2005 before fell back to about 0.6 million tones in 2007, the same as 1990. By contrast there was a dramatic fall in the amount of emissions from electricity, gas and water supply and dropped to just under 1 million tones in 2003 being equal to that of transport and communication sector and then still went down to only 0.5 million tones in 2007. Similarly, domestic sector and other industries dropped slightly to 0.2 million tones and 1.2 million tones in 2007.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

teal banana 19Please review and help to judge how many scores my essay can gain?

Your essay will get one overall score. There are four scores that are used to compute the overall score.

These four are: Task achievement. Coherence and cohesion. Lexical resource. Grammatical range and accuracy

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote about 270 words. The minimum is 150. You should aim for 160-180 words. Not only will you have a smaller chance of making errors, but you can also concentrate on the writing.

The line chart (Wrong word. There are bar charts and pie charts, but not line charts.) compares the amount of acid rain emissions were produced (missing relative pronoun) in four sectors: transport and communication, electricity, gas and water supply, domestic and other industries during the period from 1990 to 2007 in the UK.

Generally. the total amount of acid rain emissions in the UK decreased between 1990 and 2007. It can be seen that acid rain gases from the transport and communication sector remained almost unchanged from 1990 to 2007 while those ~~that~~ of the three remaining sectors declined. ~~It is noticeable that~~ (unnecessary words) The ~~most considerable~~ largest decrease was ~~seen~~ in the electricity gas and water supply sector.

In 1990 there were about 0.6 million tones of emissions that were produced by the domestic sector. The transport and communication sector made more than the domestic sector, only about 0.1 million tones of gases while more considerable acid rain emissions were created by electricity gas and water supply sector and other industries with over 2 (You need an adverb. 8 is over 2, and so is 12 and 2.01) million tones and around 3.3 million tones respectively at that time. (Your sentence is too wordy, ungainly and awkward. It is also more logical to give the ordering with the most first. For example: The order of sectors by amounts produced in 1990 were: electricity gas and water supply about 3.3, other industries with just over 2, transport and communications, 0.7 and domestic, 0.6. These amounts are in millions of tonnes. )

From 1990 to 2007, the amount of acid rain gases from transport and communication sector increased steadily and reached a peak of 1 million tones in 2005 before falling ~~fell~~ back to about 0.6 million tones in 2007, the same as 1990. By contrast there was a dramatic fall in the amount of emissions from electricity, gas and water supply and dropped (ungrammatical. There is no subject for this verb.) to just under 1 million tones in 2003 being equal to that of transport and communication sector and then still went down to only 0.5 million tones in 2007. (Your sentence is too wordy, ungainly and awkward. It is very difficult to read.) Similarly, emissions from the domestic sector and other industries dropped slightly to 0.2 million tones and 1.2 million tones in 2007.

Here are some example sentences. Note that there are some math calculations included, rather than just copying numbers from the graph and using descriptive words like "dramatic" and "considerable". These are not mathematical terms. They are literary terms, good for Task 2, but not so good for Task 1. Compare with the underlined phrases:

The utilities sector (Electricity, Gas and Water) decreased its acid rain emissions by a factor of nearly seven over the period. Most of that was achieved in the first nine years, dropping from 3.3 to about 1 million tonnes, but then that amount was halved in the last eight years. It is the only sector that changed its rank over the period, going from the highest emitter to the third highest.

Other industries had a much more modest decline, about a third, from 2.1 to 1.4 million tonnes, ending in 2007 as the largest emitter of all the sectors.

Transport and communication was the only sector that did not achieve a net reduction in emissions. In fact, their emissions increased from 1990 through 2005 before returning to its 1990 value in 2007.

Please review my IELT essay : Writing task 1: UK acid rain emission

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