Please review my ideas and reasoning in this IELTS essay

Question

Scientists believe that computers will become more intelligent than human beings. Some people find it is positive while others think it is a negative development. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Opinion are divided into whether human beings' intelligence paling in comparision to artificial one is a negative development. However, in this essay, I will challenge this school of thought.

On the one hand, the development of computers and advanced technology can enhance numerous aspects of life. First and foremost, with the calculation of computers, the use of pesticides can be regulated effectively which lead to crop yeilds being improved exponentially. Furthermore, thanks to the advancement of computers, doctors can keep an eye on their patients' sickness straightforwardly. In that way, proper treatment can be provided to each person. Finally, that the internet has facilitated teleworking and online learning allows a great number of people to pursue their educational or professional goals. This dirrectly contributes to their life.

On the other hand, some people may find insecure about such development. Take driverless car as an example, these could terminate a large number of drive-related jobs which in turn renders people earning livelihood from this jobless. In addition, that a range of technologies such as robots and autopilot modes in plane have already been introduced make many people be confused and remain sceptical about such development since nothing can guarantee that there would be no error. Thus, this trend is constitued to be detrimental to many people.

In conclusion, although the development of AI and cutting-edge technology may bring a variety of benefits to human lifes, it is considered as an adverse trend for several parts of the society

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Opinion (wrong form) are divided ~~into~~ whether human beings' intelligence paling in comparision (wrong spelling) to artificial one is (That is not good English) a negative development.

Your opening sentence is unnatural. Here is a better one.

As research continues into artificial intelligence, some people fear that computers will, in the future, surpass human levels of intelligence, with very negative repercussions.

However, ~~in this essay,~~ Do not mention your essay. Delete.) I believe this future situation will have many more positive than negative consequences. ~~will challenge this school of thought.~~

("school of thought" is not a good expression here.)

On the one hand, the development of computers and advanced technology can make our lives better and our quality of life higher. ~~enhance numerous aspects of life~~. (That is not good English) First and foremost, with the calculation of computers, (This is not a good argument. Computers can already do mathematical calculations. The topic is about the future. ) the use of pesticides can be regulated effectively which lead to crop yeilds (wrong spelling) being improved exponentially. Furthermore, ~~thanks to the advancement of computers,~~ (That is redundant. Do not repeat the same idea many times.. ) doctors can keep an eye on their patients' sickness (I do not understand your point. How will computers help doctors in the future? ) straightforwardly. In that way, proper treatment can be provided to each person. Finally, that the internet has facilitated teleworking and online learning allows a great number of people to pursue their educational or professional goals. (Off-topic. The task is about the future, and future capabilities of computers. You keep writing about the present day situation. You have to read the task very carefully. ) This dirrectly (wrong spelling) contributes to their life.

On the other hand, some people may be very nervous ~~find~~ (incorrect verb) ~~insecure~~ about such development. Take driverless car (wrong form. There will be more than one of these.) as an example, (That is a complete sentence. It is incorrect to end a sentence with a comma. This is a comma splice error. Be careful to use commas correctly.) . These could terminate (incorrect verb) a large number of drive-related (incorrect expression - Give specific examples of these kinds of jobs. What are they?) jobs which in turn renders people earning their livelihood from this jobless. In addition, ~~that~~ a range of technologies such as robots and autopilot modes in plane (incorrect form) have already been introduced (This is a very unnatural sentence. You are trying to use a content clause. That is for very advanced writers. At your level, trying to use this form will cause you to lose points. ) make many people be (incorrect verb) confused and remain sceptical about such development since nothing can guarantee that there would be no error. Thus, this trend (wrong word. The task is about developments. ) is constitued (incorrect spelling ) to be detrimental to many people. (I do not understand your argument. Autopilot modes on passenger planes have existed for decades. Most accidents are caused by human error. You need to justify your points much better.)

In conclusion, although the development of AI ~~and cutting-edge technology~~ may bring a variety of benefits to human lifes, it is considered as an adverse trend for several parts of the society (You did not make your opinion clear. In the first paragraph, you wrote that you would challenge the idea that this is a negative development. But you did not follow through, especially in the conclusion. The conclusion did not agree with your position.

When you give an opinion, you have to give good arguments for why it is your opinion.

Please review my ideas and reasoning in this IELTS essay

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