Please review my essay responding to an IELTS task 2

Here is the topic:

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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And this is my essay:

Listening to music is said to have an effect on the audiences’ bonding regardless of age and ethnicity. Personally, I assent to this musical power in connecting people. Because unlike the diversity of spoken languages, music is a universal form of communication that deals with emotions.

First, since humans are sensitive to sounds, people could be affected effortlessly by rhythms that urge them to join in the activity. In that event, music acts as a catalyst for erasing differences among people. The connection between individuals, therefore, starts establishing. Taking every World Cup event as an example, people from all walks of life ranging in age gather in the stadium to witness great matches between professional football teams; when the theme song plays, spectators begin singing, clapping along, and having a good time together. Additionally, international education institutes usually organize ceremonies encouraging students to perform their traditional music to embrace the cultural differences at the end of every semester.

Second, music is a form of art; as a matter of fact, it is ageless. Hence, age is extraneous with regard to the music taste. People who share an appreciation of music, furthermore, seem to be more open towards each other. Consequently, they become closer as the gap between generations is shortened. Besides, people listening to the same song can perceive the same message due to the immutability transcending time and space of the melodies. Therefore, it is common for an exploring documentary host to connect spiritually with local people by learning and experiencing the traditional dance and music that they may have never seen nor heard.

In conclusion, although pitches and note arrangements can be different in every song composed, music remains an “intangible tool” in uniting people. Because of this, I want to restate my position that music has an undisputed function in bridging the gap between generations and blurring cultural dissimilarity among individuals.

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Thanks a million ??

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And to :

Warmest thanks for your evaluation and meticulous comments on the previous essay. ?? After this, I strongly believe that there are ways to go before I could possibly and confidently sit for the IELTS exam. How sad ?? But I'll work harder and be back with another better and more persuasive essay ??????. I wanted to post this reply days ago but it took hours for the reply to be uploaded, maybe there was something wrong with my internet connection, so I tried to repost it today. ???? and in case it can get to you this time. I just wanna express my thank ^^

Have a good day