Please Review My Essay For Ielts, Thank You.

Question

Topic: Students are becoming more and more reliant on technology.What are some of the problems associated with reliance on computers, and what are some of the possible solutions?My Essay: Nowadays pupils are becoming increasingly dependent on technology, such as the internet and smart devices. I believe that the problems related to this reliance on computers are the lack of teamwork skills among learners and numerous inappropriate information students can access on the Internet. Moreover, I will suggest encouraging students to work voluntarily and educating students about how to use the Internet properly.The principal problems with over-dependence on using technology are learners can not develop their communication and teamwork skills. With the limitless information on the Internet, while facing a problem, students tend to search for solutions individually on the Internet. Due to this situation, students can not develop their communication skills and obviously don't gain experience working in a team. Moreover, there is numerous information online which is invalidated, while it is accessible to students. Particularly, a site can provide inappropriate news or data which can lead to some consequences such as plagiarism or lower marks if learners rely on them to write an essay or use it in their test. For example, Wikipedia allows people to freely modify any information on their site without validation.Possible solutions to these worrying problems are encouraging learners to do voluntary work and special classes to instruct learners on steps to search for answers properly. If students are encouraged to contribute to their community voluntarily, they are forced to work in a team to solve real-world problems without over-reliance on smartphones. Due to those voluntary work, learners not only sharpen their soft skills such as communication and teamwork skills but also gain practical experience. Besides, teachers should organize a special class or session to provide instructions to students on how to search for answers online properly and list a collection of validating and trustful online sites for students to access. For example, Vietnamese schools have added some computer classes to teach their students about using the Internet for studying properly and the proper steps to search for information to rely on when writing an essay.In conclusion, the main problems with over-reliance on technology in studying are lack of teamwork and communication skills and invalid information accessibility and these can be solved by inspiring learners to volunteer to help their community and instruction about using the Internet for educational purposes.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote over 380 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points simply for writing more; but longer essays generally do not get high band scores.

And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, pity the examiners who have to read all the IELTS essays individually. There are hundreds of them. If they read your long essay when they are tired at the end of the day, they will score extra hard and not be very generous when scoring.

Sixth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nowadays pupils (wrong word. ) are becoming increasingly dependent on computing technologies, such as the internet and smart devices. I believe that the problems related to this reliance on computers are the lack of teamwork skills ~~among learners~~ and numerous (wrong word. Numerous is for things that we count. We do not count information.) inappropriate information students can access on the Internet. Moreover, I will suggest encouraging students to work voluntarily (This does not have the meaning you want. It means that they choose to work. Nobody forces them to work.) and educating them ~~students~~ about how to use the Internet properly.

The principal problems with over-dependence on computers ~~using technology~~ are learners can not develop their communication and teamwork skills. (That is ONE problem - developing skills. But your subject and verb were plural: problems are.... The sentence is in conflict with itself. It has poor cohesion and coherence.) ~~With the limitless information on the Internet,~~ while facing a problem, students tend to search for solutions by themselves ~~individually~~ on the Internet instead of asking one of their classmates. (Your sentences have little cohesion and coherence. You need to write more logically. Do not assume that the examiner knows what you mean. ) ~~Due to this situation~~, If this occurs all the time, students ~~can~~ will not develop their communication skills and obviously don't (Do not use contractions.) gain experience collaborating with others. ~~working in a team~~. (Your example was not a team project. It was asking others for information. ) Moreover, there is numerous information online which is invalidated, (wrong word) while it is accessible to students. (That does not make sense. Do students often get to some web site, and at exactly that the same moment, an editor is crossing out the text?) Particularly, a site can provide inappropriate news or data which can lead to some consequences such as plagiarism (It only causes plagiarism if the student copies text from the web site, or from a book, or from ant printed material, and then claims that they wrote the text themselves. It is not a valid example. The copied information may be perfectly correct, valid and useful.) or lower marks if learners rely on them to write an essay or use it in their test. For example, Wikipedia allows people to freely modify any information on their site without validation. (Actually, that is a strength, since experts rapidly remove misinformation in articles they follow, and edits to pages are tracked.)

Possible solutions to these worrying problems are encouraging learners to do ~~voluntary~~ volunteer work and take special classes on how to recognize deceptions and lies. ~~to instruct learners on steps to search for answers properly~~. If students are encouraged to contribute to their community voluntarily, they ~~are forced to work~~ will be working in a team to solve real-world problems by cooperating with others. They will ~~without over-reliance on smartphones~~. ~~Due to those voluntary work, learners~~ not only sharpen their ~~soft skills such as~~ communication and teamwork skills but also gain practical experience. Besides, teachers should organize a special class or session to provide instructions to students on how to search for answers online properly and list a collection of validating and trustful (wrong words) ~~online~~ trustworthy websites ~~for students to access.~~ For example, Vietnamese schools have added some computer classes to teach their students about using the Internet for studying properly and the proper steps to search for reliable information ~~to rely on~~ when writing an essay. (Do you mean courses like this one? https://www.callingbullshit.org/videos.html )

In conclusion, the main problems with over-reliance on computers ~~technology in studying~~ are lack of teamwork and communication skills and invalid information accessibility and these can be solved by inspiring learners to volunteer to help their community and ~~instruction~~ instructing them on ~~about~~ using the Internet for educational purposes.

Please Review My Essay For Ielts, Thank You.

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions