Please Review My Essay For IELTS. Thank You

Topic: Some people think that young people should be required to do unpaid work helping people in the community. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

My Essay:

Some people believe that it is required for teenagers to work voluntarily to help the community. This essay will argue that the advantages of this outweigh the drawbacks. The essay will first demonstrate that a voluntary job is a chance for young people to gain real-world experience outside of school and create a network with other people, followed by an analysis of how the primary disadvantage, namely putting an extra burden on teenagers, is not valid.

The main advantage of voluntary jobs is an opportunity for them to experience practical skills. While minors can only be taught academic skills at school, it is essential for them to actually get their hands-on experience in real work by helping the locals and developing their soft skills. For example, a recent study found that more than fifty percent of employers said that recently graduated candidates who apply for a position at their company are weak at multi-tasking and problem-solving. Furthermore, working as a volunteer also offer young people a chance to add a new connection to their network which will benefit them in the future. Particularly, when attending to support the community by providing voluntary jobs, teenagers will meet people of different ages with whom they can make friends, and later those connections can help them in seeking a job or providing advice in their education path. For example, in Canada, more than sixty percent of the graduated student said their current job came from their connection while doing voluntary jobs in their high school.

Those opposed to this say it will add an extra responsibility that teenagers have to be done besides school. However, It is not true as voluntary work can be counted as a subject in school in order to develop teenager's soft skills. For example, in Viet Nam, if students can prove that they are doing voluntary jobs, they are allowed to reduce several subject hours which is equivalent to those jobs.

In conclusion, the fact that requiring minors to work voluntarily to support the community offers them an opportunity to grow their soft skills and create a broader network with people around where they live which outweighs the argument that claims it will add an extra burden on teenagers.