Please review my Essay for IELTS Task 1. Thanks a lot

Question

Topic:  The table and charts below give information on the police budget for 2017 and 2018 in one area of Britain. The table shows where the money came from and the charts show how it was distributed. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons when relevant.My essay:The table and charts show the budget for 2017 and 2018 spent on police in one particular region of Britain. The former gives figures on its sources and the latter on its distribution.The most prominent contributor to the police budget is the National Government, spending 175.5 and 177.8 million pounds in 2017 and 2018, respectively. Local Taxes is the second major source of financial supply, which added 91.2 and 102.3 million in the aforementioned years. There were also other unspecified contributors, which amounted to 38 and 38.5 million in the same time span. Overall, the police budget in this area gained a slight increase between 2017 and 2018, going from 304.7 million to 318.6 million pounds.Most of this money was spent on the payments of officers and staff, which accounted for 75 and 69 percent of the total budget, respectively. An amount of 17 percent was used on buildings and transport in both years, and the rest was spent on technology.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The table and charts show the budget for 2017 and 2018 spent on police in one particular region of Britain. The former gives figures on its sources and the latter on its distribution.

The introduction is not very coherent and cohesive. "Former" and "latter" do not give a smooth progression of ideas. They force the reader to backtrack to earlier text. Avoid this kind of description.

There are no units of measure mentioned.

There are many types of charts. You did not specify what kind, nor how many are in the infographic.

"spent on police" is the wrong phrase.

The columns of the table are described, but not the rows.
That means the rest of the essay will lack cohesion and coherence.

The most prominent contributor to the police budget is the National Government, spending 175.5 and 177.8 million pounds in 2017 and 2018, respectively. Local Taxes is the second major source of financial supply, (There is no such phrase in English) which added 91.2 and 102.3 million in the ~~aforementioned~~ (Remove this antiquated word from your brain. It is unnatural and awkward. Use demonstrative adjectives. That is what native speakers do. That is their purpose. ) years. There were also other unspecified contributors, which amounted to 38 and 38.5 million in the same time span. (wrong phrase.) Overall, the police budget in this area gained a slight increase between 2017 and 2018, going from 304.7 million to 318.6 million pounds.

You need to make this paragraph better organized.
You are mixing up detail comparisons and the main features.
You lose points for "Task Response"
This paragraph has very little coherence and cohesion.

Most of this money was spent on the payments of officers and staff, which accounted for 75 and 69 percent of the total budget, respectively. You have misused this word. The sentence reads "they paid officers 75% and staff 69%. Those are the only two items in the sentence.) An amount of 17 percent was used on buildings and transport in both years, and the rest was spent on technology.

If you would like a sample essay, you may ask for one.

Please review my Essay for IELTS Task 1. Thanks a lot

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions