Please review my essay

Question

Topic : Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

MY ESSAY:

People have different views about what is the key contributor to accomplishing outstanding achievements in life. Some are of the belief that money and appearance can help people fulfill this purpose, while others advocate that it would be better to be determined and hard-working. I tend to agree with the latter view.

On the one hand, money and appearance can lead to success in life. Affluent people can have access to the best education and healthcare, and high-quality food selection. This helps them to develop into healthy and qualified adults, who are obviously competitive in the job market. Money also allows people to have more options and opportunities. For example, the wealthy can invest in lucrative industries such as real estate and technologies. In addition, attractive people usually have an advantage over the mediocre when applying for jobs, especially ones with appearance requirements. Beauty has become even more significant in today's social media-driven world, where it can make someone become famous and wealthy just through a viral video.

On the other hand, determination and hard work seem to be more important when it comes to success. If people remain resolute in pursuit of their goals, they can gain various skills and experience needed. When opportunities arise, their efforts will pay off. Several business owners with humble backgrounds, such as Starbucks and Disney founders, became millionaires through working non-stop and not giving up even after major failures. In contrast, money and beauty can only put people in a favorable position. For example, children from wealthy families would lose their inherited assets if they do not have the discipline to work hard. Similarly, actresses can receive a role if they look charming on the screen, but they may not be offered a second role if they do not put their efforts into properly portraying the characters.

In conclusion, wealth can provide people with the best resources for self-development and taking advantage of opportunities, and appearance can be beneficial regarding job application and gaining fame. However, it is perseverance and hard-working that help people establish necessary skills and experience to achieve their goals.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You have nearly 350 words. That is too long!

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, pity the examiners who have to read all the IELTS essays. There are hundreds of essays. If they read your long essay when they are tired at the end of the day, they will score extra severely and not be very generous when scoring.

Sixth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

People have different views about what is (In an indirect question, there is subject-verb inversion) the key contributor is to ~~accomplishing~~ having outstanding achievements in life. Some are of the belief that it is money and appearance ~~can help people fulfill this purpose~~, while others ~~advocate~~ say that it would be better to be determined and hard-working. I tend to agree with the latter view.

(The essay is good, but has a significant flaw besides its length.

You never define what you mean by "success". For example, some people believe that being famous is the definition, but some very famous people are so unhappy that they commit suicide. Other people think having billions and billions of dollars - but the rich are seldom happily married. They get divorced and bicker over dividing the money in lawsuits. We have a saying: money cannot buy happiness.

What is success, then?

Your essay would improve if you stated up front what you mean by a successful life.

On the one hand, money and appearance can lead to success in life. Affluent people can have access to the best education and healthcare, and high-quality food ~~selection~~. This helps them to develop into healthy ~~and qualified~~ adults, who are obviously competitive in the job market. Money also allows people to have more options and opportunities. For example, the wealthy can invest in lucrative industries such as real estate and technologies. In addition, attractive people usually have an advantage over ~~the mediocre~~ others when applying for jobs, especially ones with appearance requirements. Beauty has become even more significant in today's social media-driven world, where good looks it can make someone become famous and wealthy just through a viral video.

On the other hand, determination and hard work seem to be more important when it comes to success. If people remain resolute in pursuit of their goals, they can gain ~~various~~ skills and experience ~~needed~~. When opportunities arise, their efforts will pay off. Several business owners with humble backgrounds, such as Starbucks and Disney founders, became millionaires through working non-stop and not giving up even after major failures. In contrast, money and beauty can only put people in a favorable position. For example, children from wealthy families would lose their inherited assets if they do not have the discipline to work hard. Similarly, actresses can receive a role if they look charming on the screen, but they may not be offered a second role if they do not put their efforts into properly portraying the characters.

In conclusion, wealth can provide people with the best resources for self-development and taking advantage of opportunities, and appearance can be beneficial regarding job application and gaining fame. However, it is perseverance and hard~~-working~~ work that help people establish necessary skills and experience to achieve their goals.

Please review my essay

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