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THIS IS MY ESSAY WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO BE GIVEN SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO IMPROVE.
I really appreciate your enthusiastic help and your detail advice on my use of language, my style as well as my approach to the task.

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“It is your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude” Do you agree or disagree?

When it comes to challenges, some flatly refuse to deal with it, but there are those who are able to monitor their negative feelings, infallibly and readily dedicate themselves to becoming better every single day. I believe, those working-hard people, are bound to succeed in the foreseeable future. There is a famous saying to support my view: “It is your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude”

To begin with, admittedly, being endowed with a natural gift comes as a golden opportunity for an individual to nurture their talent from the early age as well as succeed further in the future. To illustrate, those with such special aptitude such as athletes, artists, actors and so forth could have more time to perfect their performance, thus, standing a better chance of achieving success more easily than their contemporaries.

Turning to an alternative viewpoint, although aptitude is very advantageous, for every success stories, attitude towards ones’ targets invariably holds a more essential element. As life is not always smooth, mistakes, frailties or failures are unavoidable. Thus, it is of paramount importance to bear in mind that the main purpose of failure is just to test your tenacity and whether ones are capable of looking forwards despite various challenges. To illustrate, an artist who has nothing but a great passion for drawing and painting always makes great efforts to improve her performance, readily setting herself up for further obstacles regardless of the fact that her journey are even longer and more tedious than those with special aptitudes. In the end, she may not become the best artist, but she is certainly one of the best, which is determined by her enthusiasm and preservation for a very long term goals.

On balance, aptitude, however, appears to be very advantageous but would counts for nothing if that person lets their frailties distract them and make them look upward. I believe people who are capable of approaching challenges with the right mental attitude are bound to highly successful one.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude” Do you agree or disagree?

First of all, you have to tell the reader what you think that quotation means. It is not very obvious. Altitude is the vertical distance you are above sea level. Passenger planes fly at an altitude of 30,000 feet. You determine altitude with an altimeter, a scientific instrument that works on the principle that air pressure decreases with altitude.

Then tell the reader if you agree with it or not. Otherwise, nobody can figure out what you are saying. Why are you writing about dealing with challenges?

When it comes to challenges, some flatly refuse to deal with it, them, (You must use a plural pronoun if the antecedent is plural.) but there are those who are able to monitor (wrong word) their negative feelings, ~~infallibly~~ and ~~readily~~ dedicate themselves to becoming better every single day. I believe, (Wrong comma use) those working-hard people, (Wrong comma use. Never put one comma between the subject and verb.) are bound to succeed in the ~~foreseeable~~ future. There is a famous saying to support my view: “It is your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude” (What does that mean?)

To begin with, admittedly, being endowed with a natural gift ~~comes as~~ gives an individual a golden opportunity ~~for an individual~~ to nurture their talent from the (wrong article) early age as well as succeed ~~further~~ in the future. To illustrate, (To illustrate this,... As an illustration, ...) those with such (missing word) special aptitude such as athletes (an athlete is not an aptitude) artists, actors and so forth (Do not use ellipses, "etc" or "and so forth" in academic writing.) could have more time to perfect their performance, thus, standing a better chance of achieving success more easily than their contemporaries.

Turning to an alternative viewpoint, although (missing words) aptitude is very advantageous, for every success stories, (wrong form) attitude towards ones’ targets invariably ~~holds a more essential element~~. is more important. As life is not always smooth, mistakes, ~~frailties~~ or failures are unavoidable. Thus, it is of paramount importance to bear in mind that the main purpose of failure is just to test your tenacity and whether ones (??) are capable of looking forwards despite various challenges. To illustrate, an artist who has nothing but a great passion for drawing and painting always makes great efforts to improve her performance, readily setting herself up for further obstacles regardless of the fact that her journey are (wrong word) even longer and more tedious than those with special aptitudes. In the end, she may not become the best artist, but she is certainly one of the best, which is determined by her enthusiasm and preservation (wrong word) for a very long term goals.

On balance, aptitude, however, appears to be very advantageous but would counts for nothing if that person lets their frailties (??) distract them and make them look upward. (??) I believe people who are capable of approaching challenges with the right mental attitude are bound to highly successful one. (ungrammatical)

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