Please review my essay

Question

Here is my essay. I am studying for Toefl. Could you please help me

Thanks

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

People should always show their strong emotions.
(Such as excitement, anger or joy)??

In my opinion people should show their emotions to some extent. Since everything has an right time and place, emotions should be hidden in some situations. Showing a great deal of excitement in a job interview may have a negative effect, however in some cases it may work.

That emotions have profound importance in people’ lives is widely known. Without emotions, we have no difference from plants let alone animals. As far as I am concerned showing emotions has more advantages than disadvantages. For instance, a friend of mine received an acceptance from a very celebrated university last year. Without any doubt, it was her dream and she became very happy. She showed us her feelings, because she was really happy. But a question may come to minds. If she hadn’t received the acceptance, would she have showed her sadness? Probably she wouldn’t. Because people generally do not want to show their disappointments.

Although showing feelings have a great many advantages, there are some drawbacks as well. For instance, a friend of mine went to a job interview last week. Although she is very diligent and adept person, she couldn’t get the job. Because she was very nervous in the interview, she couldn’t show her qualifications and ultimately lost the opportunity. In my opinion, had she been more relaxed during the interview, she could have gotten the job.

Despite the disadvantages, it is important that people show their feelings to a large extent. We as human beings are endowed with versatile emotions. While some of us are very good at hiding the emotions, others are not. There is no need to form some procedures for different people. If they are happy, they should show this. Consequently, people are different from other creatures because they have emotions and ability to manage these feelings. Therefore, for me, there is no need to compel you to hide these gifts.

GuyD · Accepted Answer

Gulnur:

I like your topic, and I think you are on the right track. I can see that you have worked hard on your essay. It has given me much to think about. Let me offer your some suggestions.

I’m not sure where your essay begins. Does it begin with “Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?” or with “People should always show their strong emotions . . .” or with “In my opinion people should show their emotions to some extent”? I take it that you mean for your essay to begin with “In my opinion people should show their emotions to some extent.” With this as your opening sentence, you get right to the point.

I would omit such statements as “In my opinion,” “As far as I am concerned,” and “for me.” As your reader, I know that what I am reading is your opinion. If what you were saying were not your feelings, you would want to tell me by saying something like, “A friend of mine believes . . .;” otherwise, everything in your essay is your opinion.

Make sure that your reader knows that the emotions you are talking about are love, joy, anger, sadness, and fear. There are only five emotions. You are apt to confuse your reader when you say, “She showed us her feelings, because she was really happy.” Elsewhere you say, “If they are happy, they should show this.” “Feelings” are not an emotion; nor is “happy.” If you were to substitute “joy” for “feeling,” your first sentence would be stronger.

Make sure that what you say is believable. You say, “a friend of mine received an acceptance from a very celebrated university last year.” A little later you say, “a friend of mine went to a job interview last week.” Somehow these two statements seem to me to be statements of convenience for you rather than statements of fact. I am not convinced that a friend of yours did either of these things. If other readers come to the same conclusion that I did, your writing is discredited. Your readers won’t trust you. They will stop reading. Write is such a way as to convince your reader.

You say, “That emotions have profound importance in people’ lives is widely known.” As your reader, I might want to say, “Widely known by whom”? The statement needs more support; it’s too general as it stands, too matter of fact. Say something like “Emotions are profoundly important to our well-being.”

You say, “Without emotions, we have no difference from plants let alone animals.” It’s not emotions that distinguish us from plants and animals. All living things have emotions. If you have ever stood at the edge of a forest that is being harvested, you will understand what I mean. Huge machines are used to strip the bark and branches from trees before they are cut. For that brief second or two between the time the machine goes silent after denuding a tree and the chain saw starts, you can hear a mournful whine from the tree, the cry of death. And if you have ever seen a baboon facing a tiger without a means of escape, you will have seen fear in a way you may never see again. Instead of contrasting human emotion with plants and animals, I would play to their likeness by saying something like, “All living things are endowed with emotions. Not to express these emotions would be like not living.”

Beware of sentence fragments, such as “Because people generally do not want to show their disappointments”—a clause, not a sentence.

Make sure that your paragraphs cover only one topic. Group what belongs to that topic and put it in a paragraph. Don’t put two topics in the same paragraph. When you do, you confuse your reader.

I would suggest that you rewrite your essay several more times. Writing and rewriting are the only way to write well. I would also suggest that you plan for your essay to have four paragraphs. The first paragraph should introduce your subject, define what emotions are—fear, love, joy, anger, sadness.

In the second paragraph, I would make my case for why it is important for us to show our emotions. Don’t raise any reasons for not expressing emotions in this paragraph. That will come in the third paragraph. This is what I mean when I san, “group what belongs to that topic and put it in a paragraph.” Don’t get your material out of order.

In the third paragraph, I would point out the dangers and consequences of unbridled or inappropriate emotions.

In the fourth paragraph, I would summarize my thesis: “Even with the dangers, even with the possible consequences, emotions are too important for us to keep bottled up inside ourselves. We are truly human only when we are able to express our emotions in ways that are true to ourselves and to other.”

I hope this is helpful to you. Your essay, as you can see, prompted me to do a lot of thinking on my own. You have chosen a great topic. You have got all the basics you need for a very good essay. All you need to do is write, rewrite, and write again, over and over until you have it in a form that will keep your readers reading the way it did me. Thanks.

Peter · Answer

Great stuff...

A note on using phrases like "In my opinion"; I have been given the advice many a time to avoid this and it stands to reason. I use it sometimes when I know the next argument is going to sound very presumptuous. By using it I avoid having the reader think to themselves 'That's a load of ***' In other words tell the reader to take the comment lightly.

Another decent tactic is the line "It could be considered" this is useful when making a statement which you are not 100% sure of and are stating just to introduce an idea or giving 'food for thought'

Regarding the following statements
"Without emotions, we have no difference from plants let alone animals."
"Consequently, people are different from other creatures because they have emotions and ability to manage these feelings."

Another suggestion could be:
"Human beings are unique in that they have many different means of expressing their emotions and have the ability to indulge and understand them." You might even add a section discussing emotions in the context of art, music, social manipulation etc.

Regarding Guyd's advice that the story of your friend is hard to believe:
Perhaps you could state that it was your OTHER friend who went for a job interview two weeks later. There's less to swallow if you make it clear there are two cases. Right GuyD?

I can't say I agree about the five emotions... personally I'm pretty sure excitement is an emotion. I'd love to discuss it!

One more thing. I got the impression you were trying to hint at the idea that positive emotions should be expressed and negative ones should be hidden or tamed... Am I right in that respect Gulnur?

Peter

GuyD · Answer

Peter, thanks for rounding things out. Your additions are right on target.

Gulnur, I also felt like you tended to play down negative emotions. I suspect this is a tendancy for us all in that negative emotions are less acceptable and sometimes more destructive than positive emotions.

I am cetainly not a behavorial psychologist nor do I have any real expertize in this area, but all emotions have rights. We do a disservice to ourselves and others when we try to program, manipulate, or manage our emotions, unless these emotions are out of control. Emotions-~~positive or negative~~-do not have the right to do harm, and it is our responsibility to keep that from happening. Anger, for instance, cannot be allowed to control us; otherwise, we give ourselves a hunting license for all our enemies.

The range of emotions is so widely debated that even the experts cannot agree on what is and what is not an emotion. Gulnur, my only hope is that you will be specific about the more basic and generally agreed upon emotions. I felt that you were vague when it came to making clear some of these basic emotions. Make me believe that you know what you are talking about. Be specific--"joy" and "happiness" may be synonyms, but "joy" is the right word if you are talking about emotions, that is, if you want me to believe you.

Keep up the good work.

Guy

Maj · Answer

I was wondering what techniques you can use to get the reader's attraction? I always thought that some writers may feel sort of naked if they let their emotions float on their papers, that's to say, screens.<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/5.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/5.gif' alt='Emotion: wink'/>

GuyD · Answer

Who is your audience? By answering that question, you have a better idea of how to attract attention. I quote from "The Elements of Style," by William Strunk and E. B. White--a good $7.95 investment if you want to learn how to write: "If you are deeply troubled and are composing a letter appealing for mercy or for love, you had best not attempt to organize your emotions; the prose will have a better chance if the emotions are left in disarray . . .."

If you are writing an essay for your teacher or one that you hope to get published, you should do something to upset the reader's equilibrium, that is, you should create a pedicament. This will make the reader want to continue to see what happens, to see how you resolve this issue.

Here is an example from my own writing:

"If it was after dark when Joyce and I took our occasional drive, she always wanted to drive through a cemetery. I don’t think there was anything sinister about her wanting to do this. I think it was just a desire to pump a little adrenalin into an otherwise dull life. On one of our full-moon runs to the cemetery, I stopped the car and pretended I was going to leave her alone in the car.

"By the time I was out of the car and running, she was in full stride—step for step with me. I stopped and turned, and before she could stop, she ran headlong into me. We both tumbled to the ground, and when we came to rest, she was laying squarely on top of me.

"There we lay, out of breath and panting. I could feel her hot breath on my face. I could feel her body pressing against mine. I could smell her skin. Emotions swept over my body like waves pounding against the beach. I could hardly resist the urge to move my body up to meet the downward pressure of hers, but I made no effort to move and neither did she. I could tell she wanted me to move and was waiting."

Now tell me, whouldn't you want to know what happened?

Anonymous · Answer

GuyDBe specific--"joy" and "happiness" may be synonyms, but "joy

GuyD Peter, thanks for rounding things out. Your additions are right on target. Gulnur, I also felt like you tended to play down negative emotions. I suspect this is a tendancy for us all in that negative emotions are less acceptable and sometimes more destructive than positive emotions. I am cetainly not a behavorial psychologist nor do I have any real expertize in this area, but all emotions have rights. We do a disservice to ourselves and others when we try to program, manipulate, or manage our emotions, unless these emotions are out of control. Emotions-positive or negative-do not have the right to do harm, and it is our responsibility to keep that from happening. Anger, for instance, cannot be allowed to control us; otherwise, we give ourselves a hunting license for all our enemies. The range of emotions is so widely debated that even the experts cannot agree on what is and what is not an emotion. Gulnur, my only hope is that you will be specific about the more basic and generally agreed upon emotions. I felt that you were vague when it came to making clear some of these basic emotions. Make me believe that you know what you are talking about. Be specific--"joy" and "happiness" may be synonyms, but "joy" is the right word if you are talking about emotions, that is, if you want me to believe you. Keep up the good work. Guy

GuyDuote Peter, thanks for rounding things out. Your additions are right on target. Gulnur, I also felt like you tended to play down negative emotions. I suspect this is a tendancy for us all in that nega

Please review my essay

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions