Please review my English essay

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Topic: Some people argue job satisfaction is more important than job security. Others believe a permanent job is more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.Thanks AlpheccaStars for correcting my essays. I really appreciate My essay: It is thought career gratification is more vital compared with a permanent position while others argue that a stable job is essential. Despite working with fulfilment boost productivity, a lasting post provides financial security.On one hand, being passionate about tasks motivates employees to work effectively. As individuals perform tasks with contentment, there is no stress from the heavy workloads. As a consequence, their dedication to career motivate them enhance employability skills better which, contribute to improve work efficiency as well as develop their future professional life. This, however, is is mostly impossible for students after graduation. Since the extremely competitive environment as metropolitans,it is tough for the graduates find their desired jobs immediately . Moreover, not only do they tackle with loans and daily expenses but they also have to compete with other experienced workers in their fields. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, more than a third of students have taken on debt and 34% of college graduates are underemployed.On the other hand, many individuals consider fix jobs because of economic safety. A permanent contract not only provide workers stead income with a number of advantages, such as: accomodation, health insurance, pension plans and extra benefitsbut also guarantee that they are not able to be laid off anytime. More over, a fixed career gives employee an oppoturnity to be promoted and advanced, which results in higher salaries. Thus, people will improve their economic situations as well as make significant financial desicions or plans in the future. A job satisfication survey claimed that money ranked second of top reasons why people love their jobs.In conclusion, athough career satisfaction could increase efficient, stead jobs are more vital because of economic safety.Again thank you AlpheccaStars

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is thought career gratification (not a good phrase. It is not a natural collocation) is more vital compared with a permanent position (A permanent position is contrasted with a part-time position. They mean a "secure position.") while others argue that a stable job is more essential than being happy. Despite working with fulfilment boost productivity, (That makes no sense) a lasting post (not a good phrase) provides financial security. (Your opinion is not clear. )

Your first paragraph is incomprehensible. Instead, write the meaning of the task statement in simpler terms. That convinces the examiner that you understand the two sides.

The first two sentences in this example exemplify both of the positions.

There are people who work for years and years in a job that they detest because they value their job security so much that they never dare to venture out to seek something else. Other people are not reticent to quit a job if they become dissatisfied with it, even though their next job may pay less and carry the risk of redundancy. I side with the first; I would prefer to have a stable, well-paying and secure job, even if I were miserable every day at work.

On one hand, being passionate about their employment situation ~~tasks~~ motivates employees to work effectively. As If individuals perform tasks with pleasure ~~contentment~~, there is no stress from the heavy workloads. As a consequence, their dedication to career motivate them enhance employability skills better (That makes no sense) which, contribute to improve work efficiency as well as develop their future career path. ~~professional life~~. This, however, is is mostly impossible for new graduates. ~~students after graduation~~. (A person after graduation is not a student anymore.) Since the extremely competitive environment as metropolitans,it (That makes no sense.) is tough for ~~the graduates~~ them to find their desired jobs immediately . Moreover, not only do they tackle (wrong word ) with loans and daily expenses but they also have to compete with other more experienced workers ~~in their fields.~~ According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, more than a third of students have taken on debt and 34% of college graduates are underemployed. (Most of this is off-topic or not well connected to the task.)

On the other hand, many individuals consider fix (wrong word) jobs because of economic safety. A permanent contract not only provide (wrong form) workers stead (wrong word) income with a number of advantages, such as: (no punctuation) accomodation, health insurance, pension plans and extra benefits but also guarantee (wrong form) that they will not ~~are not able to~~ be laid off anytime. More over, a fixed career (wrong expression) gives employee (wrong form) an oppoturnity to be promoted and advanced, which results in higher salaries. Thus, people will improve their economic situations as well as make significant financial desicions or plans in the future. (That does not make sense.) A job satisfication survey claimed that money ranked second of top reasons why people love their jobs. (That is off-topic. It is not about the ideal combination of high salary, secure job and a high level of satisfaction...)
In conclusion, athough career satisfaction could increase efficient, (wrong word) stead (wrong word) jobs are more vital (wrong word) because of financial security. ~~economic safety~~.

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