Please review IELTS Task 1 writing

Question

HiPlease review my IELTS Task 1 writingThe bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.The bar charts show the male-female employment rate in Canada, South Korea and Sweden in 2005 and 2015.Barring Sweden, the male employment rates in the other two countries increased in 2015.  However, the increase in Canada was substantial. While the percentage of females employed in South Korea and Sweden in 2015 in comparison to 2005 was not significantly higher, it was almost a twenty per cent increase in Canada.While more men were employed in Sweden than in South Korea in 2005, in 2015, it was the other way round. Canada had the least difference in the male-female employment rates among the three countries. At around thirty-five per cent, it was the highest in South Korea where there was no substantial increase in employed men or women in 2015.  In Sweden, where the difference was almost thirty-five per cent in 2005, it got reduced to twenty per cent in 2015.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The two bar charts show the male and female employment rates in Canada, South Korea and Sweden in 2005 and 2015.

~~Barring Sweden~~, The male employment rates in Canada and South Korea were higher ~~the other two countries~~ ~~increased~~ in 2015 compared to 2005.. (this is a much clearer way to give this information to the reader. Be careful of "increase in 2015" - That can mean that from January to December 2015, the increase occurred.) ~~However~~, (However expresses a contrasting or opposite idea. It is not a correct transition here.) Moreover, the increase in Canada was substantial. The same pattern for females can be seen in Canada. While the employment rates ~~percentage of females employed~~ in South Korea and Sweden in 2015 in comparison to 2005 was not significantly higher, it was almost a twenty per cent increase in Canada.

While more men were employed in Sweden than in South Korea (That is misleading. You must use "rates" or "percentage", not absolute numbers. If you try to use synonyms in Task 1, you will almost always go wrong. ) in 2005, in 2015, it was the other way round. Canada had the least difference between the male and female ~~male-female~~ employment rates among the three countries. At around thirty-five per cent, it was the highest in South Korea where there was no substantial increase in the rates ~~employed men or women~~ in 2015. In Sweden, where the difference was almost thirty-five per cent in 2005, it ~~got~~ reduced to twenty per cent in 2015.

Example essay: (~185 words)

Paragraph 1: describe the graphic.

The two bar charts, one for 2005 and the other for 2010, compare the employment rates for men and women in three countries, Sweden, Canada and South Korea.

Paragraph 2: give two or three main points.

Overall, the employment rates for men were much higher than for women in all countries and both years. In 2005, the majority of women in any of the countries did not participate in the workforce. Male employment rates were higher in 2015 for two countries: Canada and South Korea whereas female employment rates increased in all three.

Paragraph 3: Give some comparisons and details.

In detail, the gap in the employment rates between males and female was much less in Canada. Also, Canada narrowed its gap in 2015. It was 24% in 2005 (60% versus 38%) and 15% (70% versus 55%) in 2015. South Korea had a substantial difference, with 75% and 30% for males and females in 2005, a difference of 45%. This did not change significantly in 2015, with 78% and 35% rates for males and females, respectively. Like Canada, Sweden also tightened the gap, from 33% in 2005 to 20% in 2015. In 2015, half the Swedish women were in the workforce and there was a clear majority in Canada.

Please review IELTS Task 1 writing

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