Please review IELTS Task 1 writing

Question

HiPlease review this writing.The table below shows the percentage participation of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.The table shows women’s participation in senior management positions in the three companies, Eldan Ltd, Bamforth Ltd, and Finsbury Ltd, between 1975 and 2015.In all the three companies, the percentage of women in senior management positions increased between 1975 and 2015 at different rates.  In 1975, Finsbury, which had the highest percentage of women in senior management positions, had the least percentage of women in such positions in 2015. On the other hand, Eldan, which had only three percent of women in senior management positions in 1975, moved to the top of the table in 2015 when this percentage was sixty-four, which was almost a hundred per cent increase from 2000. Bamforth where nine per cent of women were in senior management positions in 1975, saw a steady rise. In 2015, this percentage was forty-six. Between 2000 and 2015, the company had more than almost 150 per cent increase in this percentage.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your essay is a bit too short, 155 words. Although that is above the minimum count, it is far better to have a margin of safety. Write 170-180 words.

The title of the table is not natural English. This practice test was not written by a native speaker. We participate in an event as a performer. When you work in a company, "participate" is not the natural word used.

You need to learn to use pronouns rather than so much repetition.

The table ~~shows~~ lists the percentage of ~~women’s participation in~~ senior management positions that were held by women in ~~the~~ three companies, Eldan Ltd, Bamforth Ltd, and Finsbury Ltd, every five years between 1975 and 1990, and then two more data points, 2000 and 2015..

You need to emphasize the "main features" of the chart. By citing the specific values, in the second paragraph you have not done this. Your task achievement score will suffer. Did you read my advice posts? Apparently not, since you make the vocabulary mistakes that I have described specifically.

Overall, in all ~~the~~ three companies, the percentage of women in senior management positions increased between 1975 and 2015 at different rates. (wrong word. There are no rates in this table. ) In 1975, Finsbury, which had the highest percentage of women in senior management positions, had the least percentage of women in such positions in 2015. On the other hand, Eldan, which had only three percent of women in senior management positions in 1975, moved to the top of the table in 2015 (The top row of the table is for 1975. This is incorrect.) when it ~~this percentage~~ was sixty-four, which was almost a hundred per cent increase from 2000.

Bamforth where nine per cent of women were in senior management positions in 1975, ~~saw~~ (Do not use anthropomorphic verbs - see, witness or experience - in Task 1. They are not suitable for a math/science context.) had a steady rise. In 2015, ~~this percentage~~ it was forty-six. Between 2000 and 2015, the company had more than almost 150 per cent increase ~~in this percentage~~.

Example essay

Paragraph 1: describe the figure as accurately and completely as possible. Do not mention any data values.

The table lists the percentage of senior management positions that were held by women in three companies, Eldan Ltd, Bamforth Ltd, and Finsbury Ltd, every five years between 1975 and 1990, and then two more data points, 2000 and 2015.

Paragraph 2: Pick out two or three main features. Be general, rather than specific. Here are the points I picked:

every company had a higher proportion of women over time
every company but one showed a continuous increase
only one company achieved a majority of women in senior positions.

Overall, each of these companies increased the share of women in their highest ranks. Only Finsbury, Ltd showed any decreases during this period; the other two steadily appointed proportionately more women in each time interval. Only one company, Eldan, Ltd had a majority of women in these positions in 2015.

Paragraph 3: Pick out some interesting details. Focus on comparisons.

In detail, at the first time point, 1975, Finsbury had more than five times as many women, on a percentage basis, as Eldan, Ltd, 16% versus 3%. Bamforth Ltd. was in between, with 9%. This situation was completely reversed in 2015 when Eldan Ltd. had women in nearly two-thirds of their senior positions (64%) compared to about a quarter in Finsbury, Ltd. (25%). Bamforth, Ltd had surpassed Finsbury in the years after 2000, appointing a little less than half of these positions (46%) to women by 2015.

That is above the minimum word count, (176 words) but I am tempted to add one very interesting point:

All of the companies achieved significant percentage gains in the fifteen years between 2000 and 2015, Eldan, Ltd, (33 to 64%), Bamforth, Ltd, (17 to 46%) and Finsbury, Ltd, (20 to 26%).

Please review IELTS Task 1 writing

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