Please review and grade my ielts writing

TOPIC :

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

MY ESSAY :

Many people argue that students do not have much knowledge about working environment and they should spend short time working beside studying at school . Personally I completely agree with this view . While nobody can deny the importance of academic subjects , I think teenagers should also have working experience .

There are two main reasons why working experiences are vital to students . One reason is that knowledge that they gain from doing practical job will help them live up to the employer’s expectation . Without working regularly students cannot understand what they need to do . Therefore , even if they only do part time job , teenagers are still able to gain some essential skills such as : problem solving , time management , working as a team … Another reason is that students will receive valuable real life experiences . By working on a daily basis , they get to know more about the world outside of school , how to deal with unexpected situations . Not only does it help them further in their work but it also offer students practical proficiencies for their job in the future .

Although students should be encouraged to spend short time working , academic subjects remained a fundamental needs for their education . Only school can provide them a good range of specialized knowledge . By giving lectures to students , teachers can help them increase their academic understanding , develope student’s imagination and creativity , improve their analytical thinking that play a leading role in their future job .

In conclusion , for the reasons that I have mentioned above , I strongly believe that schools ought to give students chances to do their job apart from studying theoretical subjects so as to provide them a more thoroughly education .