Please review and comment on my essay.

Question

The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012.         The line graph compare proposed changes about the proportion of the unemployed in different categories within 19 years from 1993 to 2012.          In general, the group of people whose age fluctuate from 16 to 24 in London and rest of England reached the highest increase at the beginning of 1993 to the end of 2012. Furthermore, both four categories got the similar trend during the period.          Looking for more details in the statistics, the rate of unemployment  in London was still much higher than rest of England which is approximately 23% in aged 16-24 London and 14% in overall London compared with the others at 17% and 10% respectively. However, to the following of 10 years, The unemployment rates were significantly decreased. There were a remarkable volatility for the people who were out of work in London from 1993 to 2002 especially in young group about 15% in 2002.         On the contrary, during the last 10 years shown in the graph, More people weren't able to get the jobs and generally, It was an upward trend for all groups. In addition to that, the youth in 16-24 at London and rest of England reached a peak in 2012 at over 25% and 20%, while people who did't have jobs just about under 10% in overall. P/s : Can you give me some useful tips to write better in line graphs? Thank you so much, I will appreciate that

Poster · Accepted Answer

Tips on writing line graphs by ex-examiner:

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2017/05/ielts-writing-task-1-line-graph-answer.html

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2017/04/ielts-writing-task-1-line-graph-details-tips.html

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/02/ielts-writing-task-1-too-long.html

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2014/07/ielts-writing-task-1-introduction-and-overview.html

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The line graph compare [basic grammar error with verb here] proposed ["proposed" would refer to the future: but the data is about the past already.] changes about the proportion of the unemployed in different categories within 19 years from 1993 to 2012.[I make that two full decades, as the statistics are likely a snapshot of the situation at year-end.] ["proportion of the unemployed" would refer to a percentage of job-seekers at the time, not the jobless as a percentage of all those either in or seeking employment.] -> The line graph shows the incidence of overall unemployment ,and youth unemployment, for England as a whole, and for the London area over the two decades to 2012.

In general, the group of people whose age fluctuate [People's age can never fluctuate, although sometimes I feel like I'm twenty-three again. ] from 16 to 24 in London and rest of England reached [had]the highest increase at the beginning of 1993 to the end of 2012. Furthermore, both ['both" implies two categories only.]four categories got the similar trend during the period.

The overview should be something like:

1) (General comparison) There are no changes in rank order, with youth rates of joblessness, and unemployment rates in London consistently higher throughout.

2) (The trend statement) All four categories show a downward trend which bottoms out in the early 2000s and then trends upward in varying degrees.

~~Looking for more details in the statistics,~~ the rate of unemployment in London was ~~still~~ much higher than [missing article] rest of England which is [inconsistent use of tenses] approximately 23% in [for those] aged 16-24 London and 14% in overall London compared with the others at 17% and 10% respectively. However, to [wrong preposition] the following of 10 years, The unemployment rates were significantly decreased [passive not needed: use intransitively]. There were a remarkable [Do not make comments: report objectively.] volatility for the people who were out of work in London from 1993 to 2002 especially in [missing article] young group about 15% in 2002.

On the contrary, [This is a phrase for an argumentative essay such as Task 2.] during the last 10 years shown in the graph, More people weren't [Do not use short forms in formal writing.] able to get the jobs and generally, It was an upward trend for all groups. In addition to that, the youth in 16-24 at [wrong preposition] London and rest of England reached a peak in 2012 at over 25% and 20%, while people who did't have jobs [missing copula] just about under 10% in overall.

Some capitalization errors.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph compare (wrong form) proposed (wrong word. proposed means something planned for the future. Is 1993 in the future?) changes about (wrong word) the proportion of the unemployed in different categories (What are these categories? How many categories) within (wrong word) 19 years from 1993 to 2012.

Suggestion: The line graph compares unemployment percentages in two age groups and two locations, during the period 1993-2012. The two age groups are young people aged 16-24 (youth unemployment) and the general public (overall unemployment). The two locations are London, and the rest of England.

Note that I give names to the age categories. That will make it easier to reference them in the next paragraph.

In general, the group of people whose age fluctuate (wrong word "Fluctuate" means to change rapidly over time. Your age does not fluctuate. You are not 19 today, and 15 tomorrow and 28 the next day. ) from 16 to 24 in London and rest of England reached the highest increase (??) at the beginning of 1993 to the end of 2012. (This makes no sense. I think you mean that the unemployment percentages of young people were consistently higher than that of the overall unemployment over the entire period.) Furthermore, both ( wrong word Both means two, only two. Both people = two people. "Both four" makes no sense. ) four categories got (wrong word) the similar trend during the period. (Wrong idea. A trend means the values are always going up, or always going down. You want to write this: All four unemployment categories show a strong positive correlation over the time period. )

Looking for more details in the statistics, the rate of unemployment in London was ~~still~~ much higher than the rest of England which is approximately 23% in aged 16-24 London and 14% in overall London compared with the others at 17% and 10% respectively. However, to the following of (wrong phrase) 10 years, The unemployment rates were significantly decreased. ~~There were a remarkable volatility~~ The greatest variation was for the young people who were out of work in London from 1993 to 2002 ~~especially in young group about 15% in 2002.~~

(That last part does not belong to the rest of the sentence.)

On the contrary, (wrong usage - contrary to what?) during the last 10 years shown in the graph, More people weren't able to get the jobs and generally, It was an upward trend for all groups. In addition to that, the youth in 16-24 at London and rest of England reached a peak (wrong word) in 2012 at over 25% and 20%, while people who did't have jobs just ~~about~~ under 10% in overall.

Fluctuate: These graphs illustrate fluctuation in line graph data. There is an average value or trend line, and the values go higher and lower relatively quickly.

Peak: A peak on a line graph means that the values both before and after the peak value are lower. This line graph of the price of gold shows three peaks,one large peak,and two smaller ones:

Correlation: Two curves are positively correlated if they tend to go up and down at the same time. They are negatively correlated if they move in opposite directions.

In the following graph, Curve A and Curve B are positively correlated.

In the following graph, Curve A and Curve B are negatively correlated.

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