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Aammn Posted 13 years ago
Grammar

please read it and highlight my mistakes

Personal Motivational Statement:
I have done Bachelor of Science (Economics) from International Islamic University Islamabad, which is four year Bachelors degree, and is recognized as 16-years of education. During my undergraduate studies in Economics, I have benefited from the breadth of University’s syllabi content that has given me a comprehensive exposure to the core areas of Economics and a strong conceptual understanding of the same.
Along with my undergraduate degree, I attended the advance level English language course from new oxford international English language academy. It has given me the confidence to pursue a Masters degree from abroad and also kindled a desire to do further research. I am eager to find out the best institution and this dream will come true if I get a chance to pursue my Masters degree at the UK based university.
Along with my undergraduate studies, I have worked with one organization. I possess a vast experience in diverse working environment. Throughout my professional career, I have always held highly responsible position in the field of administration. I worked as warehouse manager in China-Pak energy technologies. Where my responsibilities were: Participating in developing and implementing administrative management policies, working with the HR department on planning company’s goals and carry out types of plans to make sure, the best is received from employees in achieving goals and targets, Management of the warehouse and management of the inventory including stock book, invoices, and handling the accounts matters in warehouse were some of my key responsibility areas, Managing healthy relations with concerned people outside the company for maintaining good reputation of the company in the market, Monitoring and controlling the performance of sales executives on the basis of monthly sales targets assigned to them, depending on their respective area/territory.
It remained a wish that I start my postgraduate education- or my journey for a better life- by applying to one of UK based university, so that I am best equipped with utmost skills and motivated to face challenges and serve the community more professionally. This application is a major leap towards achieving my dream, and I am confident about it.
All the experiences that I have gone through have not yet dimmed my expectations about the future as I look forward to continue my educational career with high passion and dedication. This I believe will only be fulfilled if I could reach the institution of higher learning which enjoys worldwide repute and that encourages multicultural diversity in its student’s body as well as promoting the needs of students with modest backgrounds. I believe I will find this at your selected institution.
The reputation of your prestigious organization Chevening Scholarships for offering attractive opportunities to young people has raised my appetite to become a part of this challenging environment and enhance my qualification under the guidance of ablest faculty members and commendable research facilities. Following are some of the underlying rationales which urged me to apply for master program through Chevening Scholarships:

• Through this organization I would get a chance to meet motivated bright and confident students all across the world with diverse cultures and backgrounds.
• To study Economics and Business in the best university across the world having close and intimate relations with the relevant industry.
• Furthermore, I believe the Chevening surely facilitates and regard talented and passionate students like me and offer a scholarship to enable me to get a chance to study abroad which would broaden my outlook of the world and show me new horizons.
The course work that I have covered in my bachelor studies should indeed fulfill any requirements for Masters in Economics or Master in business administration. My undergraduate studies already focused on the Economics and business studies and now in Graduate studies main focus of my research will be related to Economics & business.
The greatest advantage of studying in United Kingdom universities is the availability of standard and quality education in which one can find sufficient opportunities to polish his/her skills. Studying in such viable atmosphere will contribute in getting command over the subject, which in return will increase the recruitment incentives in well-reputed organizations where I will further explore the hidden potentials by utilizing vastly acquired knowledge in such universities. Moreover, my educational achievements will not only cause inspiration among the students of the tribal areas of Pakistan, where I belong to, but I will also try my level best to serve the people on humanitarian basis. The best hope is that this institution will fulfill my long lasting dream and that is to study in your hired Institution under chevening scholarship program.
As far as the Master program in English language is concerned, during my whole education career, the language of instructions was English. Therefore, I am well equipped with English language Skills. Moreover I have the university recommendation letter for the requirements of IELT’S and TOEFL exemption.
My country is a developing country with an enormous potential in the Economics and business policies. To serve the needs of this developing economics policies and improve the industrial business and more important its vast population, Economics and business is going to become an utmost important area. Thus conditions in my country are very conducive to supplement my aspirations when I return after completing my graduate studies.
Sincerely yours,
Asmat Ullah,
+923345365417
Email Removed
  

Top answer

Here are some suggestions. Also, you tend to write very long sentences which combine different ideas. That makes your writing less forceful and convincing.

  • Here are some suggestions.
  • Also, you tend to write very long sentences which combine different ideas.
  • That makes your writing less forceful and convincing.
  • A- s I have done a Bachelor of Science in Economics from the International Islamic University Islamabad, which is a four year Bachelors degree (all Bachelor's degrees are four years) , and is recognized as 16 (no hyphen) years of education.
  • During my undergraduate studies in Economics, I have benefited from the breadth of the University’s syllab us content that has given me a comprehensive exposure to the core areas of Economics and a strong conceptual understanding of the same.
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1 Answers
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Here are some suggestions. Also, you tend to write very long sentences which combine different ideas. That makes your writing less forceful and convincing.
A-

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