Please proofread the script of my short story

Question

I'm writing a short love story in English. I have a hard time writing the conservation between the girl and the boy. This is a long paragraph of the girl. Please give me feedback to make it more natural. I want to make an animation and have someone to read this script.

After Richard finishes his last bite, Jessica turns silence and then says in a serious way suddenly, "okay, I want to be serious now. "

She looks straight into Richard's eyes and says, "Richard, I've been confused and I know you have been too. We somehow made all of these ambiguous. I was always hoping to say something to clear up those confusion but I basically went blank when I was with you.

I like you and you're the only person who I want to see, to date and to be with. I'm almost sure that you also have some other interests (in case you're confused, I mean he is also talking in a happy way with other girls), sometimes I can take signs that you like me, but other times, you just leave me confusing and mad. So I want to straighten up everything now.

I’m just wondering if you also have a feeling for me. I’m always open to dating you. We can work slowly on it. We can just have lunches at work like this once in a while. I may drive to your place to hang out. I can work on housing too so we can be closer together. We will try to spend more time hanging out. We will eventually tell others. You don't have to answer me now. You can take time to think about my question and get back to me through texts or come talk to me."

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

mezzopianoconservation

conversation

mezzopianohave someone to read

have someone read

mezzopianoAfter Richard finishes his last bite, Jessica turns silence and then says in a serious way suddenly, "okay, I want to be serious now. "

After Richard finishes his last bite, they fall silent for a while and then Jessica says, "Okay, I want to be serious now."

"Turns silence" is not idiomatic. As silent as Jessica may fall, there is Richard to consider. She says she wants to be serious, so you should not say it. When you are done writing your script, do a global search-and-delete on the word "suddenly".

mezzopianoShe looks straight into Richard's eyes and says, "Richard, I've been confused and I know you have been too. We somehow made all of these ambiguous. I was always hoping to say something to clear up those confusion but I basically went blank when I was with you.

She looks straight into Richard's eyes and says, "Richard, I've been confused, and I know you have been too. We somehow made everything ambiguous. I was always hoping to say something to clear up the confusion, but I basically went blank when I was with you.

Watch your punctuation. "All of these ambiguous" does not make sense. "Those confusion" is not grammatical.

mezzopianoI like you and you're the only person who I want to see, to date and to be with. I'm almost sure that you also have some other interests (in case you're confused, I mean he is also talking in a happy way with other girls), sometimes I can take signs that you like me, but other times, you just leave me confusing and mad. So I want to straighten up everything now.

"I like you, and you're the only person I want to see, to date and to be with. I'm almost sure that you also have some other interests. Sometimes I see signs that you like me, but other times, you just leave me confused and mad. So I want to straighten everything out now.

"Who" is unnecessary. "Can take signs" is unidiomatic. She is confused (his conduct is confusing). The expression is "straighten out". You straighten up an untidy room or a row of cans.

mezzopianoI’m just wondering if you also have a feeling for me. I’m always open to dating you. We can work slowly on it. We can just have lunches at work like this once in a while. I may drive to your place to hang out. I can work on housing too so we can be closer together. We will try to spend more time hanging out. We will eventually tell others. You don't have to answer me now. You can take time to think about my question and get back to me through texts or come talk to me."

"I’m just wondering if you also have feelings for me. I’m always open to dating you. We can work slowly on it. We can just have lunches at work like this once in a while. I may drive to your place to hang out. I can work on housing too so we can be closer together. We will try to spend more time hanging out. We will eventually tell others we are a couple. You don't have to answer me now. You can take time to think about my question and get back to me through texts or come talk to me."

I don't know what "I can work on housing too so we can be closer together" means. I didn't change anything that was not actually wrong because she can say whatever she wants.

Please proofread the script of my short story

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