Please proofread my academic motivation letter

Question

Hello everybody,English is not my native language. I would like to be sure that the motivation letter I've written doesn't contain bad mistakes.Following texts are clippings from an application form.So they could deceptively seem unconnected.Any corrections and advices would be keenly appreciated.Thanks you for your time!1)Dear Selection Committee,I am very interested in an opportunity to become a doctoral fellow of the XXX. I consider it as an exceptional chance to plunge into rich intellectual atmosphere with all the benefits of the XXX interdisciplinary research orientation.There are several equally important motives why I am eager for career in science. Firstly, I derive satisfaction from the process of exploring and analyzing social and psychological phenomena. My second degree with honours in Psychology abundantly evidences it. Secondly, the possibility to utilize my knowledge of English, Italian and Russian in order to contribute positively to the international scientific community is very inspiring. Finally, I am deeply concerned with social issues. And science striving for in-depth understanding of human life troubling questions provides great potential to make the world a better place.Doubtlessly the XXX Ph.D program would broaden my awareness of advanced social science theories and reserch methods. For my part I am intent on working hard to deepen my scientific skills. Therefore prospect of becoming a PhD student of the XXX is obviously captivating to me. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to receive your positive response.Yours faithfully,2)Please allow me to highlight some of my accomplishments that are relevant to the selected projects' aims and disciplines.My Diploma thesis subject related to development and significance of such an aspect of adolescent social self as ethnic identity.This research served me as a pathway into issues concerning peer victimization among ethnic minority children and youth. Being a member of several non-profit organisations I deliver trainings of tolerance, intercultural interaction and competencies for youth and teachers. In direct contact with group of adolescents I have been comprehending a considerable impact of group-related social processes on adolescents' emotions and behaviors.3)Having obtained the Degree in Psychology, I proceeded with a long-term training in Child Psychotherapy, which strengthened my theoretical and practical understanding of child development. Moreover, I worked as a psychologist for a Child Development Center, where parent-child communication trainings, psychological counseling and child development lessons were my responsibility.Additionally, I have conducted a number of trainings for teachers on preventing and responding to hate crime.Therefore I possess an educational and working background which is relevant to the program topics. Taking into account all above-mentioned I'm sure I can be a successful PhD student of the XXX.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Hi oleila,

I am swamped with other stuff. I saw your post and am hoping someone helps you soon.

If no one begins to help within the next day, I will try to help to you.

MH

Oleila · Answer

Hi MountainHiker,

That's great! Thanks a lot! I'm waiting patiently for some help.

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Selection Committee,

I am ~~very interested in an~~ at the potential opportunity to become a doctoral fellow of the ***. I consider it as an exceptional chance to plunge into rich intellectual atmosphere with all the benefits of the *** interdisciplinary research orientation.

This previous sentence is a common mistake. A lot of people think how wonderful life would be if they were X. Instead, tell then what you want do with this knowledge. For example, With the benefit of more education, I could do blah blah blah.

There are ~~several equally~~ three important ~~motives why I am eager for~~ reasons why I am pursuing a career in science. ~~Firstly~~, First, I derive satisfaction from the process of exploring and analyzing social and psychological phenomena. My second degree with honours in Psychology abundantly ~~evidences~~ shows/demonstrates it. (No, it just shows you graduated. Many people hate their educations.) Secondly, Second, the possibility to utilizinge (utilzing, not utilize) my knowledge of English, Italian and Russian in order to contribute positively to the international scientific community is very inspiring. (Doesn't seem like a strong reason. I know you want to mention your three languages. I am not sure how to do it.) And third, Finally, I am deeply ~~concerned with~~ passionate about social issues. And science striving for in-depth understanding of human life troubling questions provides great potential to make the world a better place.

You need to reword that last sentence. As a reader, if I see that you are passionate about something, I am curious what you have done so far. Tell me about one of your experiences where you made a difference.

Please see this post where I discuss behavioral interviews.

What these letters should convey are examples of where you demonstrate your passion and interests.

~~Doubtlessly~~ the *** Ph.D program would broaden my awareness of advanced social science theories and research methods. For my part I am intent on working hard to deepen my scientific skills. Therefore prospect of becoming a PhD student of the *** is obviously captivating to me.

This paragraph above is weak. Tell the reader how you will change lives with your new knowledge. For example, Upon graduating with an engineering degree, I want to go to Africa and help create local businesses that are focused developing their local infrastructure. In other words, tell me how your knowledge will be applied.

Otherwise, it sounds like, "I would really like to become a PhD in X science. I think that would be really neat. And my parents and friends would be really proud."

You need to sell them on your idea.

Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to receivinge your positive response.

Please allow me to highlight some of my accomplishments that are relevant to the selected projects' aims and disciplines.

My Diploma thesis subject related to development and significance of such an aspect of adolescent social self as ethnic identity.This research served me as a pathway into issues concerning peer victimization among ethnic minority children and youth.

Being a member of several non-profit organisations I deliver trainings of tolerance, intercultural interaction and competencies for youth and teachers. In direct contact with group of adolescents I have been comprehending a considerable impact of group-related social processes on adolescents' emotions and behaviors.

This stuff is too vague. If someone asked me to describe your accomplishments, what would I say? She completed her required thesis and she says she did some volunteer work. I have no idea if she enjoyed it or if she made a difference or if this was simply a requirement for her degree. In short, I know nothing.

I have three interesting and key accomplishments that I want to share with you.

First, Solid Understanding of Peer Victimization Among Ethnic Children and Youth. Go on to describe your learnings and understandings. Tell them something special. What did you learn that you didn't expect to learn? Did you meet any specific children that touched your heart? Did this knowledge change you?

Second, Give an example of accomplishment from one of your volunteer activities.

Third, Give another example.

Having obtained the Degree in Psychology, I proceeded with a long-term training in Child Psychotherapy, which strengthened my theoretical ~~and~~ with practical understanding of child development.

Moreover, I worked as a psychologist for a Child Development Center, where I was responsible for parent-child communication trainings, psychological counseling, and child development lessons ~~were my responsibility~~.

~~Additionally,~~ Moreover, I have conducted a number of trainings (dislike vague) for teachers on preventing and responding to hate crime. Moreover, I have created training workshops where I instructed teachers on how to respond to hate crime. Therefore I possess an educational and working background which is relevant to the program topics. I possess a strong theoretica understanding as well as a pragmatic experience related to X. ~~Taking into account all above-mentioned I'm sure I can be a successful PhD student of the ***.~~

Given my education, passionate interest, and focused experience, I am confident that I will be a successful PhD student. (maybe not much better)

Here's two more threads to read:

While not complete yet, this letter is very good.

It might give you some ideas.

Oleila · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,

Thank you for a very useful feedback!
I'd like to clarify a framework of the application.
The first piece of text shouldn't exceed 200 words and it refers to my motivation (why I would like to work as a PhD student at the ***).
The other two treat a subject of my siutabillity for the two chosen projects (not more than 100 words each).
Counting the words I've failed to deliver content.
I keep on working...

Oleila · Answer

I need time to work through it again. I'll post here tomorrow.Thanks again for sharing your ideas!<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/74.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/74.gif' alt='Emotion: bow'/>

MountainHiker · Answer

Thank you for letting me know your word limit. This stuff is difficult.

The best way to think about this stuff is to pretend you are talking an old cranky person who constantly says, "tell me about an example from your past to demonstrate." The more you can paint a mental picture using your information from your past, the stronger your letter will be. Your history is your best indicator of your future.

Good luck.

Oleila · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,

I couldn't post earlier, because my brain has been fully consumed by other stuff.
I hope I still can count on your help.

Dear Selection Committee,

I am at the potential opportunity to become a doctoral fellow of the X.

There are three important reasons why I am pursuing a career in science. First, I derive satisfaction from the process of exploring and analyzing social and psychological phenomena. My second degree with honours in Psychology abundantly demonstrates it. Second, I am committed to the values of intercultural dialogue. As science knows no borders and promotes cooperation across all cultures, scientific community is a great evidence for advantage of diversity. And third, I belive that in-depth scientific approach to human life troubling questions provides great potential to make the world a better place.

Unfortunately, there has been almost no research on bullying in Russian schools, despite alarming rise on bullyng cases. Likewise,there are no coherent preventive programs aimed at bullying and victimization among adolescents. The X Ph.D research project is an exceptional chance to participate in evaluation and development of anty-bullying program which is proved to be effective in Finland. With the benefit of more education, I could contribute positively to efforts to change the climate of the schools in my home country.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.
(196 words)

Please allow me to highlight some of my accomplishments that are relevant to the selected projects’ disciplines.

My Diploma thesis research served me as a pathway into issues concerning peer victimization among ethnic minority children and youth.

Being a member of several non-profit organisations I deliver trainings on tolerance, intercultural interaction and competencies for youth.

Thanks to feedback of trainings’ participants, I have discovered that my work not only assists in overcoming cultural prejudice, but contributes to the overall group communication. I still remember the most touching comment:”I am surprised how little we knew about each other before the training!”
(99 words)

Having obtained the Degree in Psychology, I proceeded with a long-term training in Child Psychotherapy, which strengthened my theoretical with practical understanding of child development.

Moreover, I worked as a psychologist for a Child Development Center, where I was responsible for parent-child communication trainings and child development lessons.

Besides, I have created trainings for teachers on preventing hate crime.

I enjoy working with cnildren and possess a strong theoretical understanding as well as a pragmatic experience related to chosen projects. Given my education, passionate interest, and focused experience, I am confident that I will be a successful PhD student.
(99 words)

Is it written any better?

Oleila · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,
I couldn't post earlier, because my brain has been fully consumed by other stuff.
I hope I still can count on your help.

Dear Selection Committee,

I am at the potential opportunity to become a doctoral fellow of the X.

There are three important reasons why I am pursuing a career in science. First, I derive satisfaction from the process of exploring and analyzing social and psychological phenomena. My second degree with honours in Psychology abundantly demonstrates it. Second, I am committed to the values of intercultural dialogue. As science knows no borders and promotes cooperation across all cultures, scientific community is a great evidence for advantage of diversity. And third, I belive that in-depth scientific approach to human life troubling questions provides great potential to make the world a better place.

Unfortunately, there has been almost no research on bullying in Russian schools, despite alarming rise on bullyng cases. Likewise,there are no coherent preventive programs aimed at bullying and victimization among adolescents. The X Ph.D research project is an exceptional chance to participate in evaluation and development of anty-bullying program which is proved to be effective in Finland. With the benefit of more education, I could contribute positively to efforts to change the climate of the schools in my home country.
Thank you in advance for your consideration.
(196 words)

Please allow me to highlight some of my accomplishments that are relevant to the selected projects' disciplines.

My Diploma thesis research served me as a pathway into issues concerning peer victimization among ethnic minority children and youth.

Being a member of several non-profit organisations I deliver trainings on tolerance, intercultural interaction and competencies for youth.

Thanks to feedback of trainings' participants, I have discovered that my work not only assists in overcoming cultural prejudice, but contributes to the overall group communication. I still remember the most touching comment:"I am surprised how little we knew about each other before the training!"
(99 words)

Having obtained the Degree in Psychology, I proceeded with a long-term training in Child Psychotherapy, which strengthened my theoretical with practical understanding of child development.

Moreover, I worked as a psychologist for a Child Development Center, where I was responsible for parent-child communication trainings and child development lessons.
Besides, I have created trainings for teachers on preventing hate crime.

I enjoy working with cnildren and possess a strong theoretical understanding as well as a pragmatic experience related to chosen projects. Given my education, passionate interest, and focused experience, I am confident that I will be a successful PhD student.
(99 words)

Is it written any better?

MountainHiker · Answer

There are three important reasons why I am pursuing a career in science. First, I derive satisfaction from the process of exploring and analyzing social and psychological phenomena. My second degree with honours in Psychology is proof. Second, I am committed to the values of intercultural dialogue. As science knows no borders and promotes cooperation across all cultures, scientific community is has the opportunity to help shape lives for the better. And third, I believe that in-depth scientific approach to human life troubling questions provides great potential to make the world a better place.

Unfortunately, there has been almost no research on bullying in Russian schools, despite alarming rise on bullyng cases. Likewise, there are no coherent preventive programs aimed at bullying and victimization among adolescents. The X Ph.D research project is an exceptional chance to participate in evaluation and development of anti-bullying program that proved to be effective in Finland. With the benefit of more education, I could contribute positively to efforts to change the climate of the schools in my home country.

Thank you for your consideration.

Statistics:

Words: 179

Lines: 6

Characters (no spaces): 982

Characters (with spaces): 1171

Your first paragraph, second and third points seem very similar. I made some edits and corrected some spelling errors.

My Diploma thesis research led to an in-depth understanding of peer victimization among ethnic minority children and youth.

Being a member of several non-profit organisations, I deliver training on tolerance, intercultural interaction, and competencies for youth.

From participants in my training programs, I learned that my work not only assists in overcoming cultural prejudice, but also contributes to the overall group communication. I still remember my most touching comment, ”I am surprised how little we knew about each other before the training!”

Minor changes, 82 words.

Having obtained the Degree in Psychology, I proceeded with a long-term training in Child Psychotherapy, which strengthened my theoretical with practical understanding of child development.

I worked as a psychologist for a Child Development Center, where I was responsible for parent-child communication trainings and child development lessons. Furthermore, I have created trainings for teachers on preventing hate crime.

I enjoy working with children and possess a strong theoretical understanding as well as a pragmatic experience related to the chosen projects. Given my education, passionate interest, and focused experience, I am confident that I will be a successful PhD student.

Some very subtle changes: 99 words.

Oleila · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,

thank you very much for your time and for your precious help!
I will edit a bit second paragraph to emphasize the difference and then I will apply the file.
Have a nice year!
May all the mountains be worth climbing!

Please proofread my academic motivation letter

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