Please proofread

Question

This is just an email telling you guys that I really appreciate what you've done for me as my recruiters. You've reiterated many times that I've been made an exception and I really don't want any special privileges, because we're all in one unit. I know I've caused a lot of inconveniences and I am truly sorry for that. I give you my word that I won't let you down again and I am very looking forward to be part of this team. To me it's like a dream that's about to come true and be fulfilled! All I can say is from now on, I will do my best for the squad and if there's anything I can do to help the Air National Guard and military, I will be there no questions asked. Yes sir!

I forgot to ask the date and time of when I will most likely ship out to basic training? And could you please give me a 10 day notice, so I can inform my family and have a few days to get ready. Btw, I didn't get paid today(7/13/13), so I guess I'll have to fill out a retroactive pay form the next time I'm on base.

Also, I'm sharing Clippers season tickets with a friend for the upcoming season, so if anyone of you is interested in joining me for some good basketball action after I'm done with basic training, feel free to let me know and you're always welcome to join me. We've got really good seats down in the lower lodge only a few rows from the court, so it's right near the action! The Clippers will be the team to beat in the Western Conference next year for sure! It's just an offer, so don't feel bad if you can't make it. Peace!

Please proofread if you have time. Thank you.

BarbaraPA · Accepted Answer

Is this a real letter or are you just practicing?

Knightofsports · Answer

BarbaraPAIs this a real letter or are you just practicing?

Both!

BarbaraPA · Answer

Oh dear.
Okay, well, let's start with why you're writing. Is it to say thank you? Or is it to ask your ship date? The latter is pretty important and should not come across as an "oh, by the way..." kind of comment.

The first paragraph is not how I would write it, but it's how you would write it, so I won't make many changes, but "you guys" my be a bit too informal for this. Your "dream" sentence is redundant - either come true or be fulfilled, but not both. Your final two sentences are (I'm sorry) silly. They are called orders, not requests, so yes, you will be there. Delete the "Yes sir" entirely. It's childish and most recruiters are enlisted, so it's inappropriate.

The entire second paragraph is a puzzle. Just ask the ship date. You don't need a 10-day notice. You just need the date. I don't understand why you should be getting paid if you haven't shipped yet. In any case, don't use a text abbreviation, btw, and since this seems like important information, it hardly seems "by the way." Additionally, unless they are supposed to do something about it, does it even belong in this letter?

Delete the third paragraph entirely! Members of the military cannot accept gifts. You start out talking about how they made exceptions for you and now you are offering them free tickets. This could be seen as a bribe by others who see the letter.

The overall grammar is not too bad in this, but your thought process is confused. Figure out why you're writing and stick to the main point.

Knightofsports · Answer

Barbara,

Thank you so much for your input. And it is a 'thank you' letter.

Well, I've been in the military for about a year now and I'm just waiting for my ship date, so I think the reason you're befuddled by some of the content is because you don't really know what's going on.

My recruiters and I have built a relationship and we've become quite close. There are friends in the military in fact we're all like one big family, so my offering them to a basketball game will not be seen as a bribe.

I really appreciate your critique, but could you help me correct the grammar and punctuation? Thank you!

BarbaraPA · Answer

I was the executive officer for a Military Entrance and Processing Station.In my time, I swore hundreds and hundreds of young people into every branch of the US armed forces. I don't know what's going on in your situation, and although the details of the Air National Guard aren't as familiar as regular active duty, I *do* know how this works in general, .

Take OUT the part about the tickets.

Knightofsports · Answer

BarbaraPAI was the executive officer for a Military Entrance and Processing Station.In my time, I swore hundreds and hundreds of young people into every branch of the US armed forces. I don't know what's going on in your situation, and although the details of the Air National Guard aren't as familiar as regular active duty, I *do* know how this works in general, .Take OUT the part about the tickets.

Sure, I'll take it out. Would you like to help me proofread and punctuate the letter?

BarbaraPA · Answer

Knightofsports This is just an email telling you guys that I really appreciate what you've done for me as my recruiters. You've reiterated many times that I've been made an exception and I really don't want any special privileges, because we're all in one unit. I know I've caused a lot of inconveniences and I am truly sorry for that. I give you my word that I won't let you down again and I am very looking forward to be part of this team. To me it's like a dream that's about to come true and be fulfilled! All I can say is from now on, I will do my best for the squad and if there's anything I can do to help the Air National Guard and military, I will be there no questions asked. Yes sir! I forgot to ask the date and time of when I will most likely ship out to basic training? And could you please give me a 10 day notice, so I can inform my family and have a few days to get ready. Btw, I didn't get paid today(7/13/13), so I guess I'll have to fill out a retroactive pay form the next time I'm on base. Also, I'm sharing Clippers season tickets with a friend for the upcoming season, so if anyone of you is interested in joining me for some good basketball action after I'm done with basic training, feel free to let me know and you're always welcome to join me. We've got really good seats down in the lower lodge only a few rows from the court, so it's right near the action! The Clippers will be the team to beat in the Western Conference next year for sure! It's just an offer, so don't feel bad if you can't make it. Peace!Please proofread if you have time. Thank you.

As close to your words as possible:
This is just an email telling you guys that I really appreciate what you've done for me as my recruiters. You've reiterated many times that you've made an exception for me ~~I've been made an exception~~ and I really don't want any special privileges, because we're all in one unit. I know I've caused a lot of inconveniences and I am truly sorry for that. I give you my word that I won't let you down again [? again?] and I am ~~very~~ looking forward to be part of this team very much. To me it's like a dream [as I said - pick one] that's about to come true and be fulfilled! All I can say is, from now on, I will do my best for the squad and if there's anything I can do to help the Air National Guard and military, it will be my pleasure to do it. ~~I will be there no questions asked. Yes sir!~~

I forgot to ask the date and time of when I will most likely ship out to basic training. ? And could you p Please give me a 10-day notice, so I can inform my family and have a few days to get ready. [As I said - spell out] Btw, I didn't get paid today(7/13/13), so I guess I'll have to fill out a retroactive pay form the next time I'm on base.

Add another word of thanks.

Knightofsports · Answer

Barbara,

Thank you very much!

Please proofread

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions