Please mark my IELTS essay

Question

The chart below shows the results of a survey about people’s coffee and tea buying and drinking habits in five Australian cities. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table indicates how people purchase and consume coffee and tea daily in five Australian cities.

Overall, the percentage of city residents going to a coffee shop for coffee or tea in the last one month was the highest, while fresh coffee was the lowest category.

Regarding people who went to cafes to drink, the figure for Melbourne city residents was the highest, at nearly 65%. In addition, the percentage of people in Sydney and Hobart who went to coffee shops was quite similar, at about 61% and 63%, respectively. Less significant percentages of people going to cafes belong to Melbourne and Adelaide, the former was just over 55%, while the latter was about 49% (becoming the lowest in this category).

In terms of Australians buying instant coffee in the last 4 weeks, we can see that Hobart is the city having the highest percentage of people paying their money on this type of coffee, at nearly 55%. Just following Hobart is Brisban, at about 53%, while the percentages of people buying instant coffee in other countries fell between 45% and 50%. Regarding people buying fresh coffee last month, Sydney is the city in which people pay the most money on this coffee, while the percentages of people buying fresh coffee in Brisbane, Adelaide was similar, at approximately 34%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The table (There is no table in this task.) indicates how people purchase and consume coffee (That is not what is on the chart. Be accurate and specific. Write exactly what is being measured.) and tea daily (There is no daily - every day - data here.) in five Australian cities. (Which cities are there?)

Overall, the percentage of city residents (The reader is surprised since you did not mention "percentage or "proportion" in the first paragraph. Bad cohesion.) going to a coffee shop for coffee or tea in the last one month (That is not "daily". The reader is surprised.) was the highest, while fresh coffee was the lowest category. (The reader is surprised since you did not mention any categories in the first paragraph. Bad cohesion.)

Regarding people who went to cafes to drink, the figure (wrong word) for Melbourne city residents was the highest, at nearly 65%. In addition, the percentage of people in Sydney and Hobart who went to coffee shops was quite similar, at about 61% and 63%, respectively. Less significant percentages of people going to cafes (This sentence is not grammatical. i.e. "percentages while the latter was...") belong (wrong word) to Melbourne and Adelaide, the former was just over 55%, while the latter was about 49% (becoming the lowest in this category).

In terms of Australians buying instant coffee in the last 4 weeks, ~~we can see that~~ (Delete these extraneous words.) Hobart is the city having the highest percentage of people paying their money on this type of coffee, (unnatural, awkward) at nearly 55%. Just following Hobart is Brisban, at about 53%, while the percentages of people buying instant coffee in other countries (What other country is there besides Australia?) fell between 45% and 50%. Regarding people buying fresh coffee last month, Sydney is the city in which people pay the most money on this coffee, (Is there amounts of money in the table? Like $45 or $123?) while the percentages of people buying fresh coffee in Brisbane, Adelaide was similar, at approximately 34%.

You wrote nearly 220 words. That is too long. Every mistake will count against your score.

Your essay lacks cohesion and coherence because you bring up new categories and cities seemingly randomly in the text instead of summarizing all of them in the first paragraph so the reader knows what to expect.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

This sample essay will give you ideas on how to write a "survey" or "questionnaire" essay.

Outline:

Paragraph 1: Describe the figure and all its attributes. Do not mention any of the data content.
Paragraph 2: Pick out 2 or 3 main features.
Paragraph 3: Write about a few details. Focus on comparing and contrasting the different categories. This task does not give the opportunity to combine or sum up the categories.

A survey in five Australian cities (Adelaide, Brisbane, Hobart, Melbourne, and Sydney) asked residents about tea or coffee purchases in the last four weeks. The bar chart plots the percentage of those who answered yes to each of these three questions: 1) Did you buy fresh coffee? 2) Did you buy instant coffee? and 3) Did you go to a café for tea or coffee?

The highest percentages everywhere were those who had gone to a café. Except for Adelaide, the majority of residents had done this. In second place were the instant coffee buyers, Adelaide again being the exception.

Sydney, Hobart and Melbourne had the highest proportions on the chart; more than six of every ten people there had recently enjoyed a cup of tea or coffee in a café. On the other extreme, Brisbane and Adelaide had the lowest; in particular, about one-third (34%) bought fresh coffee there. Generally, people preferred instant compared to fresh coffee, and the gap could be fairly wide. In Brisbane, it was nearly 20%, 52% to 34%. In Adelaide, about half bought instant coffee (50%), slightly more than those who went to a café, (49%).

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