Please mark my essay!

I'm 15 goin on 16, a Singaporean student taking my O Levels this year. This essay is entitled "Dreams". Please help me mark my essay (out of 30 marks) and comment on it. Thank you (:

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DREAMS

"NO!" an ear-splitting screech engulfed our dilapidated flat. I got up from my bed and dashed to my sister's bedroom automatically, instinctively rummaging my way through the dark and reaching for her. It almost felt like a daily ritual, having done this so frequently for the past few weeks. Carin was trembling in agony, cupping her face with her hands which was smeared with hot tears.

"It's those dreams again. Cally, they're omens," she whispered the last word apprehensively, clutching my hands even tighter, as if afraid of anyone else hearing. I caressed my only kin gently. After our parents died, Carin is all I've got; we only have each other to rely on. Carin began to warn me about her premonitions again and I listened intently as I did every night.

"Bad things are going to happen," she shivered. Her dainty and fragile body seemed to be on the verge of collapse. I urged her to go back to sleep. "Dreams are merely the wild imagination of our subconscious mind. Don't worry," I embraced my little sister and pecked her on the forehead, "everything will be fine in the morning. You'll see."

The very next day, I brought Carin to a nearby lake which had frozen into a vast expanse of ice. Nothing cheers her up like iceskating. Carin was squealing with excitement when we stepped onto our very own makeshift skating ring, our quantum of solace.

Before I knew it, she was racing me across the ice and relishing in a full-forced plunge of adrenaline. The cold knifed my cheeks and took my breath away. Our skates reflected the piercing glare of the winter sun. I picked up my pace when abruptly, the ground rushed to meet me. My knees grazed and burned against the friction of the crudely-formed ice. Carin screamed my name and gasped in horror at the sight. She began hyperventilating as panic fell over her like a purse-seine net.

"Cally! Last week I dreamt that you would bleed!" she yelled from a distance while tears streaked against her porcelain skin. I assured her that I was fine but she wouldn't stop crying. She skated towards me, her speed escalating at an alarming rate. As I sat there, I could almost hear the blades of her skates slicing through the thin layers of ice, carving miniscule patterns haphazardly.

Then, in a startling instant, Carin slid beneath the ice. It sealed back perfectly as quickly as it had cracked open, throwing her into an abyss of darkness. Dumbstruck, I clumsily stumbled to get on my feet before skidding away swiftly and half-wishing that I would fall into the water as well. The smarting pain of my abrasions gnawed and serrated my skin, a pain which I ignored.

The glossy, silken banner of Carin's hair caught my eye and I dropped to all fours, watching her suffocate through a frosted barrier. Uncontrollable sobs wrecked my body. I heaved and scratched at the ground violently, glazing it pink and breaking my fingernails. Carin and I stared at each other, both of us pounding on the ice from different sides. Inside, I was growing irate for I knew it was only a matter of time before Death claimed her. Within moments, her once iridescent blue eyes became lifeless, boring down blankly into mine. A hiccup, a twitch, and then there was no more movement. My eyes stung and I felt almost dehydrated from all the crying.

She was falling, sinking gracefully into the depths of our quantum of solace. She would join our parents and be reunited in heaven while I was to be left here, breathless and alone, haunted by her dreams.