Please kindly help me review the body paragraph of this below argumentative essay topic

Question

Topic: In some schools, students must study music and learn to play a musical instrument. In other schools, studying music may not be required or there may be no music classes at all. Do you think all students should have to study music? Support your opinion with reasons and examples.Body paragraph: It is true that language may bring some advantages to students in terms of intellectual development and mental health; however, I am not in favour of the idea of making it a compulsory subject or activity at school due to the following reasons. Firstly, even though music is proven to be beneficial to studying and increasing attention span, it does not necessarily mean that other leisure activities such as playing chess, sports and so on cannot. In fact, it is agreed that engaging in team sports such as soccer or volleyball helps to boost students' confidence, concentration, and soft skills which are equally vital for personal growth and development just as music is.Secondly, deciding to study music or not should be based on the students' preferences and needs, not entirely on the school alone. Some students may have a great interest and a good sense of music, while others may not be talented by nature. Therefore, forcing students to learn something they are not interested in seems unfair and can potentially have an adverse effect on them. Some students may suffer from stress and anxiety if they fail to learn the subject, and this clearly does not meet the goal set in the first place which is to benefit them. Many thanks.

Clive · Accepted Answer

The standard approach to writing an essay is to write the introductory paragraph first. This includes, for example, your thesis statement, which tells the reader your overall opinion and approach to the topic.

So, why are you writing the body paragraphs first?

Clive

So, why are you writing the body paragraphs first?

Clive

Clive · Answer

Here are a few comments on the first part of what you have written.

Clive

Why are you talking about 'language? The topic you were given relates to music. If you had first written or least planned your introduction, you wouldn't have made this mistake.

Body paragraph:

Each body paragraph should start with a topic sentence that tells he reader why you are writing this paragraph. This not only helps the reader to follow your train of thought but also helps you to avoid going off-topic.

Be careful with phrase like 'It is true that'.

We usually say The sky is blue', not ' It is true that the sky is blue'.

It is true that language Why are you talking about 'language?

may bring some advantages to students in terms of intellectual development and mental health; however, Try not to us a semi-colon in a context where there is a connecting word like 'However'. I am not in favour of the idea of making it a compulsory subject or activity at school, for ~~due to~~ the following reasons. Firstly, even though music is proven to be beneficial to studying and increasing attention span, it does not necessarily mean that other leisure activities such as playing chess, sports and so on cannot. In fact, it is agreed that engaging in team sports such as soccer or volleyball helps to boost students' confidence, concentration, and soft skills which are equally vital for personal growth and development just as music is.

(You didn't start a new paragraph when you said 'firstly', so why are you starting a new paragraph because you say secondly'?

Secondly, deciding to study music or not should be based on the students' preferences and needs, not entirely on the school alone. Some students may have a great interest and a good sense of music, while others may not be talented by nature. Therefore, forcing students to learn something they are not interested in seems unfair and can potentially have an adverse effect on them. Some students may suffer from stress and anxiety if they fail to learn the subject, and this clearly does not meet the goal set in the first place which is to benefit them.

Please kindly help me review the body paragraph of this below argumentative essay topic

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