Please, is the coherence and cohesion of this essay good enough for a band 7

Question

The maps depict a public library as it is now and as it will be following redevelopment.

Overall, there are plans to transform the public library into a larger one with two sections and multiple entrances. Another prominent addition will be the computer room.

At the center of the public library, there is currently a seating area, to the west of which are romance and thriller books and to the east of which are mystery books and kids' books. Whereas there are just kids' books south of the seating area, north of it are restrooms for males and females and fantasy books. Lastly, there is an entrance at the southwest corner.

In the future, the public library will be expanded easterly, creating room for the addition of an eastern section with a large computer room on its southernmost end and a staff room and kids' books on its northernmost end. Between the staff room and computer room will be a store immediately south of the staff room and kids' books and a seating area just north of the computer room. Additionally, there will be a kid's area entrance east of the library and a staff entrance north of the staff room. Regarding the western section, it will basically be a modified form of the current library; the romance books, thriller books, and restrooms will retain their size and position, but the fantasy books and kid's books will be relocated south of the restrooms and to the eastern section respectively, and the entrance will be turned into the main area entrance.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote nearly 260 words, while the minimum is 150.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, especially in Task 2, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. In Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.
Aim to write 170-190 words for Task 1.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The two maps depict a public library as it is now and as it will be following redevelopment.

Overall, there are plans to ~~transform~~ (not a good word choice) expand / increase the size of the public library ~~into a larger one~~ (not a good word choice) with two sections and ~~multiple~~ three entrances. Another prominent addition will be the computer room.

You need to pick out the main features. This is much better, and has better cohesion and coherence. "The plans" refers to "redevelopment" and provides cohesion. Estimate the new size relative to the old one.

Overall, the plans call for increasing the floor space by about one-third. The additional area will be used for a children's area, computer room, staff room and storage closet.

Currently at the center ~~of the public library,~~ (Repetition not good.) there is ~~currently~~ a seating area, to the west of which (We do not use east/ west for the inside a building. They are mainly used for outside. Your writing is unnatural ) are romance and thriller books and to the east of which are mystery books and kids' books. Whereas (wrong usage) there are just kids' books south of the seating area, north of it are restrooms ~~for males and females~~ ("restrooms" means facilities for everyone.) and fantasy books. Lastly, there is an entrance at the southwest corner.

You are writing far too much extraneous detail. Focus on the big picture.

Currently, the main entrance is on the south side of the library. Bookshelves are located along all four walls, with seating in the middle and restrooms opposite the entrance. Adult books are all novels: fantasy, mystery, thrillers and romance. The largest shelf space holds books for kids.

In the future, the public library (We know what you are writing about. Do not repeat.) will be expanded easterly, creating room for the addition of an eastern section (So much repetition!) with a large computer room on its southernmost end (unnatural) and a staff room and kids' books on its northernmost end. Between the staff room and computer room will be a store (Obviously, this is not a place where you can buy stuff! It is a storage closet.) immediately south of the staff room and kids' books and a seating area just north of the computer room. Additionally, there will be a kid's area entrance east of the library (wrong expression. Maybe there is a playground or parking lot to the east of the library.) and a staff entrance north of the staff room. Regarding the western section, (This is very unnatural) it will basically be a modified form of the current library; the romance books, thriller books, and restrooms will retain their size and position, but the fantasy books and kid's books will be relocated south of the restrooms and to the eastern section respectively, and the entrance will be turned into the main area entrance. (That makes no sense.)

Please, is the coherence and cohesion of this essay good enough for a band 7

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