Please, I need your help! (Editorial Help)

Question

I need your precious comments and editorial help! As I am not a native-speaker, I also need your revision. I will be very thankful, please, give me a helping hand!!!

Here is my motivation letter.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Master of Arts Media Culture Analysis program at x University. My career ambition is to become a specialist researching media in x and a professor contributing to the domestic media.

After graduating from the School of Journalism —a three-month theoretical and practical program offered by x—I became a reporter for the same online media resource. During that time I realized that I am a person of the media. I was one of the best three students in the school, as announced at our graduation. The most challenging experience I have ever lived through was an incident connected with a remand prison. It was the first news I published, and it had a significant impact on me, changing my professional goals.

On December 16, 2011 about a hundred people were at the x parliament building to demand better conditions for prisoners in jail. According to human rights activist, 14 people live in a cell with insufficient conditions in the prisons. Five bowls, three spoons, eight cups, and old mattresses, pillows for 14 people. She added that the prsion had not met sanitary standarts and there were no blankets for prisoners. The rally occured after three days when Juan Mendez, UN Special Rapporteur on Torture arrived in x. And the hole day I was interviewing the relevant people, activists and participants of the rally. This had an unforgettable influence on me and made me love the field of media.

Actually my bachelor’s degree is in x, obtained three years ago in town of XYZ. After attending two-year master’s classes in x at x University from October 2009 to June 2011, I returned to my home country and started to study the media.

During these ten months of my work experience in the field of media —which began in December 2011 and to present— I have earned various positions; a freelance journalist, reporter and an editor. In my humble mind, I became an editor by my love for the media and incessant effort. Conversing with people, helping someone announce problems or features, being an objective bridge between the action and the audience make me self-confident and live with pleasure.

I want to do my master’s degree in Media Culture Analysis program because of the unique facilities that are provided. To make my future plans happen I need to study an international knowledge base in the fields of media, I need to improve my scientific thinking and to provide argumentation independently and critically. And of course to gain ability for interdisciplinary and intercultural dialogue will make me perfect expert in this field. In another words aforesaid provided program objectives in x University enable me to reach the goals I seek.

I am sure that I can exceed expectations because of my academic and interpersonal skills as well as my internship experience. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add diversity to the program.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

Here are some general comments.

If you want to do any rewording, and then repost, I'll do edits on your English if you wish.

Clive

Here is my motivation letter.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Master of Arts Media Culture Analysis program at x University. My career ambition is to become a specialist researching media in x and a professor contributing in what way? to the domestic media.

After graduating from the School of Journalism —a three-month theoretical and practical program offered by x—I became a reporter for the same same as what? online media resource. During that time I realized that I am a person of the media. I was one of the best three students in the school, as announced at our graduation.

Start the paragraph with this. The most challenging experience I have ever lived through was an incident connected with a remand prison. It was the first news I published, and it had a significant impact on me, changing my professional goals. On December 16, 2011 about a hundred people were at the x parliament building to demand better conditions for prisoners in jail. According to human rights activist, 14 people live in a cell with insufficient conditions in the prisons. Five bowls, three spoons, eight cups, and old mattresses, pillows for 14 people. She added that the prsion had not met sanitary standarts and there were no blankets for prisoners. The rally occured after three days when Juan Mendez, UN Special Rapporteur on Torture arrived in x. And the hole day I was interviewing the relevant people, activists and participants of the rally. This had an unforgettable influence on me and made me love the field of media. I wonder if this should have a bit more focus on you, instead of on describing the situation? What do you think?

Actually my bachelor’s degree is in x, obtained three years ago in town of XYZ. After attending two-year master’s classes in x at x University from October 2009 to June 2011, I returned to my home country and started to study the media.
Not a new para
During these ten months of my work experience in the field of media —which began in December 2011 and to present— I have earned various positions; a freelance journalist, reporter and an editor. In my humble mind, I became an editor by my love for the media and incessant effort. Conversing with people, helping someone announce problems or features, being an objective bridge between the action and the audience make me self-confident and live with pleasure.

I want to do my master’s degree in Media Culture Analysis program because of the unique facilities that are provided. To make my future plans happen I need to study an international knowledge base in the fields of media, I need to improve my scientific thinking and to provide argumentation independently and critically. And of course to gain ability for interdisciplinary and intercultural dialogue will make me perfect expert in this field. In another words aforesaid provided program objectives in x University enable me to reach the goals I seek. Can you say any of these things in a clearer and less general manner?

I wonder if you maybe should start your letter with this? Your choice.

I am sure that I can exceed expectations because of my academic and interpersonal skills as well as my internship experience. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add diversity to the program.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Lee Asano · Answer

Thank you so much, Clive! Here is the reworded version of my CL, I am posting it. I will wait for your further comments.

And of course, I also would like you to do edits on my English.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Master of Arts Media Culture Analysis program at x University. My career ambition is to become a specialist researching media in x and a professor contributing multidisciplinary and professionally to the domestic media.

I want to do my master’s degree in Media Culture Analysis program because of the unique facilities which the university provides. Moreover, by combining my theoretical and specialized education with hands-on research in the second year, I will gain critical work experience. All these firm professional foundations allow me to research media, and to seek my ambitions. I am confident of my decision. Within a ten-month work experience in media, I had to meet various people and occurrences. I handled all of them as a reporter on an editor; I made radio programs to the listeners. Additionally I never had an opportunity to treat my job scientifically. I am fortunate to have an effective opportunity in doing research in x.

After graduating from the School of Journalism —a three-month theoretical and practical program offered by ***—I became a reporter for the same online media resource. During that time I realized that I am a person of the media. I was one of the best three students in the school, as announced at our graduation.

The most challenging experience I have ever lived through was an incident connected with a remand prison. It was the first news I published, and it had a significant impact on me, changing my professional goals. On December 16, 2011 about a hundred people were at the x parliament building to demand better conditions for prisoners in jail. According to human rights activist, prison had not met sanitary standards. The rally occurred after three days when Juan Mendez, UN Special Rapporteur on Torture arrived in x. And the whole day I was interviewing the relevant people, activists and participants of the rally. This had an unforgettable influence on me and made me love the field of media.

During these ten months of my work experience in the field of media —which began in December 2011 and to present— I have earned various positions; a freelance journalist, reporter and an editor. In my humble mind, I became an editor by my love for the media and incessant effort. Conversing with people, helping someone announce problems or features, being an objective bridge between the action and the audience make me self-confident and live with pleasure.

Actually my bachelor’s degree is in x, obtained three years ago in town of XYZ. After attending two-year master’s classes in x at x University from October 2009 to June 2011, I returned to my home country and started to study the media.

I am sure that I can exceed expectations because of my academic and interpersonal skills as well as my internship experience. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add diversity to the program.

Thank you for your time consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Anonymous · Answer

hello clive

Clive · Answer

Hi,

I'm just going to scan your English quickly.

Clive

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Master of Arts Media Culture Analysis program at x University. My career ambition is to become a specialist researching media in x and a professor contributing multidisciplinary << this is an adjective. What does it describe? and professionally to the domestic media.

I want to do my master’s degree in the Media Culture Analysis program because of the unique facilities which the university provides. Moreover, by combining my theoretical and specialized education with hands-on research in the second year, I will gain critical work experience. All these firm professional foundations will allow me to research media, and to pursue my ambitions. I am confident of my decision. Within a ten-month work experience in media, I had to meet various people and occurrences. I handled all of them as a reporter and as an editor. I made radio programs for the listeners. Additionally I never before had an opportunity to treat my job scientifically. I am fortunate to have had an effective opportunity in doing research in x.

After graduating from the School of Journalism —a three-month theoretical and practical program offered by ***—I became a reporter for the same online media resource. During that time I realized that I am a person of the media. I was one of the best three students in the school, as announced at our graduation.

The most challenging experience I have ever lived through was an incident connected with a remand prison. It was the first news I published, and it had a significant impact on me, changing my professional goals. On December 16, 2011 about a hundred people were at the x parliament building to demand better conditions for prisoners in jail. According to human rights activists, the prison had not met sanitary standards. The rally occurred three days after Juan Mendez, UN Special Rapporteur on Torture, arrived in x. For the whole day I was interviewing the relevant people, activists and participants in the rally. This had an unforgettable influence on me and made me love the field of media.

During these ten months of my work experience in the field of media —which began in December 2011 and has continued up to the present— I have earned various positions as a freelance journalist, reporter and ditor. In my humble mind, I became an editor through my love for the media and incessant effort. Conversing with people, helping someone announce problems or features, being an objective bridge between the action and the audience make me self-confident and live with pleasure.

Actually my bachelor’s degree is in x, obtained three years ago in the town of XYZ. After attending two-year master’s classes << say this another way in x at x University from October 2009 to June 2011, I returned to my home country and started to study the media.

I am sure that I can exceed expectations because of my academic and interpersonal skills as well as my internship experience. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add diversity to the program.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Lee Asano · Answer

Thanks a lot, Clive! I am doing some edits and repost it here soon.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

I'll try, but I may not be able to give you any more time on this.

Clive

Please, I need your help! (Editorial Help)

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions