Please I need help me getting back on my feet, starting with my motivation letter!!!

Question

Hi there!I know that for most of you I'm just one more non-english speaking student asking you to proofread my motivation letter or just to give me any advice in general. But for me this is a very important step, I'm trying to get back to the academic world after almost 3 years pause after having my kid and I feel like I need some help. I would very much appreciate any tips, advice or opinions. Thanks!Here's the letter in question:Dear Professor XI am writing to apply for one of the offered PhD programs at the Institute of   “Nanoscience for Energy Technology and Sustainability”. My interest in sustainable chemical processes started already while finishing my Bachelor Degree in Chemistry in 2002. There I developed and characterized an electrochemical cell for the degradation of non-biodegradable compounds found in water. Because of my academic achievements throughout my first degree, I was granted a “Postgraduate Excellence Scholarship” at the same university, which allowed me to complete my Master Degree in Food Chemistry in 2004.Shortly after, I got accepted at the Institute of Process Engineering (Austria) where I got the opportunity to work on different projects with ultrafiltration membranes. Mainly my work consisted in the separation and concentration of goat’s skim milk, as well as dealing with the consequent build up of high concentration of rejected protein at the membrane interface.In 2006, I got admitted at the MAS Program in “Nutrition and Health” at the ETH in Zürich.  For my thesis work, I developed and validated a method based on atomic absorption spectroscopy for the determination of Selenium concentration in human serum. That resulted in a collaboration with my thesis supervisor Prof. Zimmermann where the Selenium deficiency distribution was assessed in blood serum samples obtained from Ivory Coast.Throughout my academic education and work, I was always amazed at science’s fast moving pace and how rapidly the volume of information gathered increased.  Nowadays, the role of nanotechnology in the development of sustainable chemical processes, especially in the capture, storage and transfer of energy becomes increasingly important. Therefore, the chance to work at this PhD will grant me the opportunity to look inside the fascinating world of nanoscience and to master the new available nanotechnological tools, which in turn will be an excellent platform for my future career.Overall, I have gathered experience at designing, developing and executing projects in different fields in Chemistry and time after time I have proven my capacity to perform those tasks independently. Additionally I have gained experience with scientific techniques, laboratory work, reading and writing skills, communication skills and teamwork. I’m flexible and have the ability to adjust myself according to the needs of work and environment.If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me. Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.Yours faithfully,XYZ

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi, Here are some suggestions.

Dear Professor X

I am writing to apply for one of the offered PhD programs at the Institute of “Nanoscience for Energy Technology and Sustainability”.

My interest in sustainable chemical processes started ~~already~~ while I was finishing my Bachelors Degree in Chemistry in 2002. If it was a Senior thesis or senior project, then say so, not the more pedestrian "while I was finishing...") There (where?) I developed and characterized an electrochemical cell for the degradation of non-biodegradable compounds found in water. Because of my academic achievements throughout my first degree, I was granted a “Postgraduate Excellence Scholarship” at the same university, which allowed me to complete my Masters Degree in Food Chemistry in 2004.

Shortly after, I ~~got~~ was accepted at the Institute of Process Engineering (Austria). where I had ~~got~~ the opportunity to work with ~~different projects with~~ ultrafiltration membranes. ~~Mainly my work consisted~~ My projects involved the separation and concentration of ~~goat’s~~ skim goat milk, and the problem of ~~as well as~~ dealing with the consequent build up of high concentration of rejected proteins at the membrane interface.

In 2006, I ~~got~~ was admitted to the MAS Program in “Nutrition and Health” at the ETH in Zürich. For my thesis work, I developed and validated a method based on atomic absorption spectroscopy for the determination of Selenium concentration in human serum. That resulted in a collaboration with my thesis supervisor Prof. Zimmermann where the Selenium deficiency distribution was assessed in blood serum samples obtained from Ivory Coast. (So what were the results? What was the impact? Did it lead to more research? Did you have your name on a publication in a peer-reviewed journal?)

Throughout my academic education and work, I was always amazed at science’s fast moving pace and how rapidly the volume of information ~~gathered~~ increased. ~~Nowadays~~, (Nowadays is a horrid, ghastly word for any academic text. Just remove it from your vocabulary ) - Since (cite some notable research breakthrough here for your time reference, and you will impress the reader in your basic knowledge of this field),. the role of nanotechnology in the development of sustainable chemical processes, especially in the capture, storage and transfer of energy ~~becomes~~(has become / became) increasingly important. Therefore, the chance to work on this PhD will grant me the opportunity to look inside the fascinating world of nanoscience and to master the newly available nanotechnological tools, which in turn will be ~~an excellent platform~~ advantageous for my future career. (Give a hint at your career ambitions.)

Overall, I have gathered experience at designing, developing and executing projects in different fields in Chemistry. And time after time I have proven my capacity to perform those tasks independently. Additionally I have gained experience with scientific techniques, laboratory work, reading and writing skills, communication skills and teamwork. I’m flexible and have the ability to adjust myself according to the needs of work and environment. (You are not applying for a job! Consider the different qualifications for a PHD research chemist! Not project management. Not "communication skills and teamwork." Instead, think publication, publication, publication. Lecturing, innovative thinking, ability to get grants and funding for projects, etc. It's a completely different skill set..)

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me. Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Yours faithfully,

Lilita · Answer

Hi AlpheccaStars,

First of all, thanks a lot for your corrections and especially your time.
I went through my letter again and did some of the changes you suggested and here is the result of it. I'll comment on some of the changes that I didn't make, since your suggestions were so interesting I'll try to explain why I couldn't adapt them to my letter.

Dear Professor X

I am writing to apply for one of the offered PhD programs at the Institute of “Nanoscience for Energy Technology and Sustainability”.

My interest in sustainable chemical processes started while I was finishing my Bachelors Degree in Chemistry in 2002 at the “Universidad de las Americas”. For my final thesis project I developed and characterized an electrochemical cell for the degradation of non-biodegradable compounds found in water. Because of my academic achievements throughout my first degree, I was granted a “Postgraduate Excellence Scholarship” at the same university, which allowed me to complete my Masters Degree in Food Chemistry in 2004.

Shortly after, I was accepted at the Institute of Process Engineering (Austria) where I had the opportunity to work on a variety of projects with ultrafiltration membranes. My work consisted predominately* of studying the separation and concentration of skim goat milk, as well as dealing with the consequent build up of high concentration of rejected proteins at the membrane interface.

In 2006, I was admitted to the MAS Program in “Nutrition and Health” at the ETH in Zürich. For my thesis work, I developed and validated a method based on atomic absorption spectroscopy for the determination of Selenium concentration in human serum. This resulted in a collaboration with my thesis supervisor Prof. Zimmermann where the Selenium deficiency distribution was assessed in blood serum samples obtained from the Ivory Coast.**

Throughout my academic education and work, I have always been amazed at science’s fast moving pace and how rapidly the volume of information gathered increases. ***Ever since the Nobel Prize in Physics was awarded in 2010 for the pioneering research on graphene I have become very interested in the potential impact that nanotechnology has in the development of sustainable chemical processes, especially in the capture, storage and transfer of energy. Therefore, the chance to work on this PhD would allow me the opportunity to look inside the fascinating world of nanoscience and to master the newly available nanotechnological tools, which in turn would be an excellent platform for my future career.

Overall, I have gathered a wide range of experience in designing, developing and executing projects in different fields in Chemistry, and time after time I have proven my capacity to perform those tasks independently. Additionally I have gained experience with scientific techniques, laboratory work, reading and writing skills, communication skills and teamwork. I’m flexible and have the ability to adjust myself according to the needs of work and environment.****

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me. Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

XYZ

* I do mean to emphasize that that was my main project, I did a lot of small ones but mainly I worked with goat's skim milk.
** Unfortunately we had to abruptly finish the project since we didn't have enough funding to finish it. So sadly we didn't even have enough results to write a publication.
*** Great idea to cite some breakthrough research... thanks
**** Well I do believe that project management is an important skill when doing any research, since you're really on your own and you need to know how to begin, develop it and obtain some results in order to publish it. About communication skill I wanted to mention it, since often PhD students are asked to hold lectures, and it is important to know how to communicate with fellow lab workers in order to really collaborate. And with writing skills I did mean ability to publish, but honestly I haven't published that many articles, so I didn't want to brag about it.
Thanks again for all your help and I look forward hearing what you think about my changes.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi;

I think it has improved a lot. The reader will be looking for the following, if not explicitly, then implicitly
- does your background adequately qualify you for entry into a PHD program?
- can you contribute to science at a research level?
- how much interest and enthusiasm do you have for this field? Have you done a lot of independent study and reading on your own? Are you aware of the latest research results?
- how do you stack up against the other candidates?
- do you have a clear idea about what you want to do with the degree?
- will our university be proud to have you as a graduate?

and so on.
If you put yourself in the reader's shoes for a moment, that will help you make it even better.

**** Well I do believe that project management is an important skill when doing any research, since you're really on your own and you need to know how to begin, develop it and obtain some results in order to publish it. About communication skill I wanted to mention it, since often PhD students are asked to hold lectures, and it is important to know how to communicate with fellow lab workers in order to really collaborate. And with writing skills I did mean ability to publish, but honestly I haven't published that many articles, so I didn't want to brag about it.

Great, then make it more explicit: eg. I have the communication skills to give labs and to coach undergraduates. That makes it sound less like a job application at a company, and more "tuned" to the skills of a lab assistant.

so I didn't want to brag about it
Oh, dear. Extolling your virtues is what a motivation letter is all about!

Note:
goat's skim milk - this indicates that the goats. produced the skim milk naturally. Perhaps a new breed of goat? That would not be very good for the goat cheese business.
skim goat milk - this indicates that goat milk (milk from a goat) was input into a process that separated the fats from the whole milk, leaving the liquid. In tradtional farming, the goat milk was left alone. The fatty particles floated to the top and were skimmed off.

Please I need help me getting back on my feet, starting with my motivation letter!!!

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