Please help with my Writing PART 1 IELTS. I really need your help.

Followed your advice and fixed my post (again). Can you tell me about how to use words to connect paragraphs and sentences, like some common clauses or phrases in IELTS writing? I read some posts about using things like " As in presented", " At first glance the graph reveals...". Should I use them in my essays?

Thank you very much and have a good day.

The bar chart compares the level of participation of people aged 11 to 16 in four countries: England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales in four different leisure time activities. Those activities include computer games, reading, board games and watching TV. The level of participation in this chart is measured in percentages.

These young people in all four countries mostly choose computer games; meanwhile, reading takes up the smallest fraction in three of the four countries, except for Scotland which has the highest rate – at about a quarter.

At least 40% of these people choose computer games and the largest percentage is in Ireland, which comes up to 60%. The values in other countries stay at about 50%. In contrary, only approximately 10-25% read for leisure in all four countries, which is just about half the amount that plays computer games.

Categorically speaking, watching TV is the second favorite home activity. The data demonstrate no significant variation in the percentage of people choosing to watch TV, except for a slightly higher value in Wales. It is quite the opposite when comes to board games, where the percentage doing this activity varies significantly among the four countries. People in Scotland tend to play board games the least whereas the percentages in the others vary between 25-30%.