Please help to review my writing task 1. Thank you very much!

Question

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. The bar chart illustrates the proportion of males and females of six different age ranges in Australia who regularly did physical activity in the year 2010. Overall, what stands out from the graph is that more Australian women in almost all the surveyed age groups, except for the youngest one, 15 to 24, involved in physical activity than their male counterparts. Looking at the first three youngest age groups, Australian men, aged from 15 to 24, doing regular physical activity accounted for 52.8% while the proportion of the women was 47.7%. By contrast, more women at the age of 25 to 34 years old was active on a regular basis than the men in this age range, with 48.9% and 42.2%, respectively. When it comes to the 35-44 age bracket, the most significant difference between the percentage of men, 39.5%, and women, 52.5%, engaging in physical activity regularly can be seen.Focusing on the three oldest age ranges, whereas the proportion of 45-54 and 55-64 year-old women being physically active continued to be considerably more than their male counterparts, the percentage of both sexes at the age of 65 or over was almost the same, with 46.7% for males and 47.1 for the other sex.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart illustrates (not a good word choice) the proportion of males and females in of six different age ranges in Australia who regularly did physical activity in the year 2010. (What are the age brackets?)

Overall, ~~what stands out from the graph is that~~

Overall, ~~what stands out from the graph is that~~ (Filler words, unnecessarily verbose) more ~~Australian~~ (That word is unnecessary. You told the reader the nationality of the people in the first paragraph.) women in ~~almost~~ all the ~~surveyed~~ age groups, except for the youngest ~~one~~, 15 to 24, were involved in physical activity than their male counterparts. (You need one more "main feature." You gave one. In this paragraph write two or three.) The largest gap was in the age bracket 35-44, and the smallest in the oldest age group.

~~Looking at the first~~ In three youngest age groups, the percentage of Australian men, aged from 15 to 24, (That makes no sense. You wrote "three age groups" but gave the data for only one of them. This confuses the reader. ) doing regular physical activity ~~accounted for~~ was 52.8% while the proportion of ~~the~~ women was 47.7%. (That is incorrect. In the three youngest groups, between 39.5 and 52.8 men did regular exercise. ) By contrast, more women at the age of 25 to 34 years old was (wong form - women is plural) active on a regular basis than the men in this age range, with 48.9% and 42.2%, respectively. ~~When it comes to~~ In the 35-44 age bracket, the most significant difference between the percentage of men, 39.5%, and women, 52.5%, ~~engaging in physical activity~~ ~~regularly~~ (You do not need to repeat this phrase over and over. The first paragraph gives that information.) can be seen.

Focusing on the three oldest age ranges, whereas the proportion of 45-54 and 55-64 year-old women being physically active continued to be considerably more than their male counterparts, the percentages in ~~of both sexes at~~ the age of 65 or over was almost the same, with 46.7% for males and 47.1 for females the other ***.

Example essay

Outline:

1. Description of the figure
2. Overall - two or three of the main features.
3. Comparisons and details.

The bar chart compares the percentages of Australian men and women who engaged in regular exercise in 2010 by age group. Six age groups are shown: 15-24, 25-34, 35-44, 45-54, 55-64 and 65+.

Overall, the range of the participation of women over all age groups was much narrower than for men, 6% versus 13%. In addition, a higher proportion of women did regular exercise in every group except for the youngest. The largest gap (13%) occurred in the 35-44 group, and the smallest (less than 1%) in the oldest.

In detail, male participation declined in the first three age groups, starting at 52.3% (ages 15-24) and reaching a low point of 39.5%. This value, for the 35-44 age group, was the lowest on the chart. This pattern of decreasing with age then reversed and the percentages rose over the next three groups, ending at 46.7% for the oldest group. Female participation, in contrast, went up for the first four groups, from 47.7% to 53.5%, and it was nearly the same in the fifth group (ages 55-64). In the oldest age range, 65+, about the same proportions of both sexes can be seen, about 47%.

Please help to review my writing task 1. Thank you very much!

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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