Please Help to review my writing for IELTS Preparation

Question

Hi Everyone,I will have an ielts test on the mid of 2009. I need your kindness and help to review my English writing. since English is not my first language in my country. I keen to learn how I can write a proper English. your kindness and help would be great appreciated.Regards,There The following is my sample letter about "Unable to attend a course"  and "Bad meal in a restaurant"Unable to attend a courseYou are employed fulltime and also doing a part time evening course. You are not able to continue the course.Write a letter to the course lecturer. In the letterexplain why you cannot continue the coursedescribe the situationsay what you will be doingWrite at least 150 words.You do NOT need to write your own address.Dear Course Lecturer,My name is Maw. I am a graduate student at ABCDE University (Student ID : 8378348). I am writing to inform that I will not continue the course next term for several reasons below. Currently I am employed fulltime at ABC audit firm. My current job requires me to travel overseas a lot. Furthermore, I also need to work overtime in order to achieve the target within deadline. I certainly do not have much time to do a part time evening course at the university. Although I would like to attain my MBA degree by next year, I could not commit to the hours it requires me to invest due to my current situation at work now. Thus, I decided to hold my course at the university for now.  I will re-apply again after 6 months looking into how well I am coping with my current work then. Your understanding and support would be greatly appreciated.Yours Sincerely,Ms.Maw=== Bad meal in a restaurantYou took your family to a nearby restaurant. You were disappointed with the meal and wish to complain to the manager.Write a letter to the manager of the restaurant. In the letterexplain why you were at the restaurantdescribe the problemswrite about the action you want the manager to takeWrite at least 150 words.You do NOT need to write your own address.Dear Pizza Hut Customer Service Manager,I am writing to complain about the quality of food taste. A few weeks ago, I ordered two pans super supreme pizza for delivery to my home. The taste was very delicious because the pizza contains a barbeque beef and cheese.  Last week, my wife and me went down to the pizza hut restaurant, we ordered the same type of pizza as we ordered last time. However the taste was very bad because the pizza did not contain any barbeque beef. There was lot of vegetables and fruits on the pizza. The taste was not as we expected, despite the pizza has an identical name for dine in and delivery order. The name is “Super Supreme”. I approached your customer service to ask about that matter. She mentioned that there is a different class of super supreme pizza between for dine in and delivery order. You supposed to give a clear information that there are two different super supreme pizza for dine in and delivery order in your menu list  Definitely, Customer is not to be confused. I am looking forward to your response and explanation about.Your Faithfully,Ms. Maw

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is a well written letter. I have made some suggestions for you.

wijaya.theresiaDear Course Lecturer,

My name is Maw. I am a graduate student at ABCDE University (Student ID : 8378348). I am writing to inform (please insert missing object) that I will not continue the course next term for several reasons (stated or listed) below. Currently I am employed fulltime at the ABC audit firm. My current job requires me to travel overseas a lot. Furthermore, I also need to work overtime in order to achieve the target within deadline. I certainly do not have much time to do a part time evening course at the university. Although I would like to attain my MBA degree by next year, I can ~~could~~ not commit to the hours it requires me to invest ( better: hours required to do the course work) due to my current situation at work now. Thus, I decided to (suspend or drop out of ) ~~hold~~ my course at the university for now. I will re-apply again after 6 months after looking into how well I am coping with my ~~current~~ work ~~then~~. Your understanding and support would be greatly appreciated.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms.Maw

wijaya.theresiaDear Pizza Hut Customer Service Manager,

I am writing to complain about the quality of food ~~taste~~ (say either the taste or the quality of the food.). A few weeks ago, I ordered two pans of super supreme pizza for delivery to my home. The taste was very delicious (better: it tasted very delicious) because the pizza contained a barbeque beef and cheese. Last week, when my wife and me I went down to the Pizza Hut restaurant, we ordered the same type of pizza as we ordered last time. However the taste was very bad (better: it tasted very bad) because the pizza did not contain any barbeque beef. There were ~~was~~ lot of vegetables and fruits on the pizza. The taste was not as we expected, despite the fact that the pizza had an identical names for both dine in and delivery ~~order~~. The name is “Super Supreme”. I approached your customer service to ask about that matter. She mentioned that ~~there is a different class of~~ the super supreme pizza ~~between~~ for dine in is different from the one for ~~and~~ delivery ~~order~~. You are supposed to give a clear information that there are two different super supreme pizzas: one for dine in and another for delivery ~~order in~~ on your menu. ~~list~~ Definitely,the customer shouldis not to be confused. I am looking forward to your response and explanation ~~about~~.

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi AlpheccaStars

Thanks a lot for your feedback. I really appreciated it

Regards,

Theresia

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi AlphecaStars,

Thank you very much for your kindness and help to review my writing. Would you please help to review two more letter about are about "Bad service at a shop" and "Homestay in a New Zealand family" ? Your kindness and assistance would be greatly appreciated:)
Regards,
Theresia
Bad service at a shop
You recently had your computer fixed at the local computer store however you are not pleased with the service you received.
Write a letter to the store manager. In the letter
o describe the situation
o explain why you are dissatisfied
o say what you want the manager to do
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write your own address.
-------------------------
Dear Shop Manager,

I recently had a computer fixed at your store. However, I am`really disappointed with the service quality I received`from your employee.`I brought my PC to your store`last Sunday. I was helped by your junior technical employee, Mr. James. I explained`to him that my PC would always hang after several minutes`I turned it on. He promised to me to fix the problem that`day. I came back to your store in that Sunday afternoon. However, he had not finished it yet because the computer memory was spoiled. In addition, he did not have any memory stock at the time to replace. He promised that I would be able to collect it on last Monday. On last`monday afternoon, I went down to collect it. Nevertheless, the computer was not ready to be collected. Mr. James mentioned to me that he needs a few more days because the processor was spoilt as well. I am not satisfied with the way he addressed my computer’s problem. He did not give me detailed information about the problem with my PC. I had to go there several times and each time he would say different problem and need more time to fix it. I need my computer for my business. As of today, my PC is not ready yet. I am expecting the highest service quality from your store as you promised in the advertisement ‘One Day Ready’. Therefore, I would like to you to compensate me with borrowed computer for me to use while waiting for my computer to be fixed. This time I would like to have your senior technical engineer to handle my case.

I certainly look forward hearing a response from you soon.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Jack

==
Homestay in a New Zealand family
You are going to visit New Zealand for an 'English and Homestay' program. You have just received details of your homestay host family.
Write your first letter to the family. In your letter
o introduce yourself
o ask the family some questions to get information that is important to you
o tell the family about your arrival date and time.

Dear Mr. Joshua

I am writing to inquire about the “English and home stay program”. First of all, I would like to introduce about myself generally. My name is Ms.Maw, I come from Myanmar. I will have a homestay program for three months in new Zealand. I saw the advertisement of your homestay host family. I would like to get the detail information about it. Firstly, I need to know about the cost for three months home stay at your house. What is included on that cost?. Secondly, I would like to check whether the location of your house is close to train station. I am looking the house that is close to the train station because it will be easier for me to go to the city. Thirdly, what are the restriction and the rule during the home stay program at your house? Finally, regardless the payment method shall I have to make a full payment in advance or just paid several amount of hundred dollars for a secure deposit ?. I look forward to hearing from you soon because I will be arriving at new Zealand on Sunday morning,7th June 2009. You can just drop me the email about those kinds of information.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms.Maw

AlpheccaStars · Answer

wijaya.theresiaThank you very much for your kindness and help to review my writing. Would you please help to review two more letters about...

wijaya.theresiaI recently had a computer fixed at your store. However, I am`really disappointed with the service quality I received`from your employee.`I brought my PC to your store`last Sunday. I was helped by your junior technical employee, Mr. James. I explained`to him that my PC would always hang ~~after~~ several minutes after `I turned it on. He promised ~~to me~~ (either "he promised me that he would fix.. " or "he promised to fix...". "me to fix" confuses "me" as a subject of the infinitive "to fix") to fix the problem that`day. I came back to your store in that Sunday afternoon. However, he had not finished it yet because the computer memory was spoiled ( usually we use "spoil" with food. For technical things, we say "faulty" or "defective", or "not working correctly"). In addition, he did not have any memory in stock at the time to replace (insert a direct object). He promised that I would be able to collect it on last Monday. On last`Monday afternoon, I went down to collect it (collect. is British English. Americans would say " to pick it up") Nevertheless, the computer was not ready ~~to be collected.~~ Mr. James mentioned to me that he needed a few more days because the processor was spoilt as well. I am not satisfied with the way he addressed my computer’s problem. He did not give me detailed information about the problem with my PC. I had to go there several times and each time he would say that there was a different problem and he needed more time to fix it. I need my computer for my business. As of today, my PC is not ready yet. I am expecting the highest service quality from your store as you promised in the advertisement ‘One Day Ready’. Therefore, I would like to you to compensate me with a borrowed computer for me to use while waiting for my computer to be fixed. This time I would like to have your senior technical engineer to handle my case.

Other comments: quality of service, not service quality

AlpheccaStars · Answer

wijaya.theresiaI am writing to inquire about the “English and home stay program”. First of all, I would like to introduce ~~about~~ myself (introduce is a verb that takes a direct object, not a prepositional phrase) ~~generally~~. My name is Ms.Maw, (use a colon if you do not use a conjunction) I come from Myanmar. I will have a homestay program for three months in New Zealand. I saw the advertisement of your homestay host family. I would like to get the detailed information about it. Firstly, I need to know about the cost for three months of the home stay at your house. What is included in that cost?. Secondly, I would like to check whether ~~the location of~~ your house is close to train station. I am looking for a ~~the~~ house that is close to the train station because it will be easier for me to go to the city. Thirdly, what are the restrictions and the rules during the home stay program at your house? Finally, regarding ~~regardless~~ the payment method, will ~~shall~~ I have to make a full payment in advance or just pay paid several amount of hundred dollars for a security deposit first, and the rest later ?. I look forward to hearing from you soon because I will be arriving in New Zealand on Sunday morning,7th June 2009. You can just drop me an ~~the~~ email ~~about those kinds of~~ with the information that I have requested.

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi AlphecaStars,

Thank you very much for your kindness and help to review my writing. Would you please help to review two more letter about are about "Apologizing for the noise: ?
Your kindness and assistance would be greatly appreciated:)
Regards,
Theresia

· Apologizing for the noise
Your neighbours have recently written to you to complain about the noise from your houseflat. Write a letter to your neighbours. In your letter

o explain the reasons for the noise

o apologise

o describe what action you will take

Dear my beloved neighbors,

I would like to apologize about the noise from my houseflat. I have cell group meeting every Friday evening start from 07.00PM to 09.00PM. There are praise and worship which is using guitar during a cell group meeting. We always have fellowship time at the end of the session in order to let each member know each other. Certainly, that kinds of activities would made clunk in my house flat. I really understand you are not comfortable. We will have a discussion with the entire member that the cell group meeting venue would be rotated at member’s house. That means that we will have the cell group meeting at my house every bimonthly. Once again I would like to apologize for the noisy in our house and any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Sincerely,

Ms.Maw

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi AlphecaStars,

Thank you very much for your kindness and help to review my writing. Would you please help to review two more letter about are about "Apologizing for the noise: ?
Your kindness and assistance would be greatly appreciated:)
Regards,
Theresia

· Apologizing for the noise
Your neighbours have recently written to you to complain about the noise from your houseflat. Write a letter to your neighbours. In your letter

o explain the reasons for the noise

o apologise

o describe what action you will take

Dear my beloved neighbors,

I would like to apologize about the noise from my houseflat. I have cell group meeting every Friday evening start from 07.00PM to 09.00PM. There are praise and worship which is using guitar during a cell group meeting. We always have fellowship time at the end of the session in order to let each member know each other. Certainly, that kinds of activities would made clunk in my house flat. I really understand you are not comfortable. We will have a discussion with the entire member that the cell group meeting venue would be rotated at member’s house. That means that we will have the cell group meeting at my house every bimonthly. Once again I would like to apologize for the noisy in our house and any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Sincerely,

Ms.Maw

AlpheccaStars · Answer

wijaya.theresiaDear my beloved neighbors, (The English is OK, but it is an overly fawning salutation; beloved is rather intimate, for a lover or very close family member)

I would like to apologize for ~~about~~ the noise coming from my houseflat (either house or apartment or flat, there is no such word as houseflat). I have cell group meeting every Friday evening ~~start~~ from 07.00PM to 09.00PM. There are praise and worship services and we ~~which is~~ use a guitar during the ~~a cell group~~ meeting. We always have fellowship time at the end of the session in order to let each member know each other (better: in order to have some time for members to get to know each other). Certainly, these ~~that~~ kinds of activities would make ~~made~~ noise ~~clunk~~ in my ~~house~~ flat. I really understand you are not comfortable. We will have a discussion and I will propose that ~~with the entire member that the~~ cell group meeting venue ~~would~~ be rotated to another at member’s house. That means that we will have the cell group meeting at my house ~~every~~ bimonthly. Once again I would like to apologize for the noise in our house and any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi AlphecaStars,

Again Thank you very much for your kindness and help to review my writing. Would you please help to review two more letter about are about "Some parents grow their children in strict discipline" ?.

I appreciated your help

Thanks so much

Regards,
Theresia

=

Some parents grow their children in strict discipline while others leave them free to learn lessons of lives on their own. Which is one of these is a better approach and why? Give your own opinion in not less than 250 words.

=
I really agree that parents must educate their children in strict discipline. There are two reasons to support this argument. First, children need to be disciplined more strictly because they need to develop the positive mental attitude. In the fact, most of children are not matured yet. Somehow, parents must say “no” instead of “yes” for certain good reasons. For example: parents must scold or ****** their children because they would rather spend most of their time for playing X-BOX than do their homework. This method would opened their eyes slowly, how important to become diligent person instead of lazy. If the parents do not tolerance with the laziness, children would be more conscious how important to have responsibility with their study is. Moreover, they will realize that they must hard work to success in their study. Second, strict discipline is the best method to remove the bad habits or characters from their personality. Though there is a pain full in strict discipline. Children would be able to think about something that they must change in their mind. Nevertheless, we have a responsible to let them know the particular reason behind our action. Certainly, Children have the right perspective with the parent’s action. Children would be conscious of how important discipline is to change their mind set and character to become a better person.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Again Thank you very much for your kindness and help to review my writing. Would you please help to review two more letters about ~~are about~~ "Some parents grow their children in strict discipline" ?.

I appreciated your help

Thanks so much

Regards,

Theresia

Some parents grow their children in strict discipline while others leave them free to learn lessons of lives on their own. Which is one of these is a better approach and why? Give your own opinion in not less than 250 words.

I really agree that parents must educate their children in strict discipline. There are two reasons to support this argument. First, children need to be disciplined more strictly because they need to develop ~~the~~ a positive mental attitude. In ~~the~~ fact, most of children are not matured yet. Somehow, parents must say "no" instead of "yes" for certain good reasons. For example: parents must scold or ******their children because (if?) they would rather spend most of their time ~~for~~ playing X-BOX than doing their homework. This method would opened their eyes slowly, teaching them how important it is to become a diligent ~~person~~ instead of a lazy person. If the parents do not tolerate ~~with the~~ laziness, children would be more conscious how important it is to ~~have~~ take responsibility for ~~with~~ their studies. Moreover, they will realize that they must hard work hard to be successful in their study. Second, strict discipline is the best method to remove ~~the~~ bad habits or characteristics from their personality. Though ~~there is a pain full in~~ strict discipline is painful, children would be able to think about something that they must change in their mind. Nevertheless, we have a responsibility to let them know the particular reasons behind our action. Certainly, children have the right perspective on ~~with~~ the parent's actions. Children would be conscious of how important discipline is to change their mind set and character to become a better person.

Please Help to review my writing for IELTS Preparation

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