Please help to review my IELTS writing test. Thank you so much! (01.21)

Task 1:

The table compares the proportions of Australian residents going to cinemas and how many times they did that in five years. In terms of the line graph, it illustrates the average movie theater visits in four age brackets.

In general, meanwhile the attendance rate increased slightly between 1996 and 2000, the frequency of this activity witnessed a noticeable decrease over this period. In addition, it was a consistent tendency that the young always outnumbered the old in the number of cinema visits.

To be more specific, commencing at 62% in 1996, the percentage of people in the country surged to 72% in 1997, remaining static over the later years in spite of a marginal decrease to 70% in 1998. By contrast, the number of visit times to these places underwent an opposite pattern, with a rise from 10.3% in 1996 to 11.1% in 1997 prior to falling to 8.2-8.3% in the last years of the interval.

The same changes of cinema visits could be seen over all age groups, with the top of the list always being 14 to 24year-old people and the bottom being over 50year-old humans. The former showed a range from 15 to 23 times over the period, whereas the latter’s one was from 10 to around 18.

Task 2:

In this day and age, residents in several countries are at liberty to retire at the age that they desire. From my perspective, I am not wholly in favor of this idea for a number of reasons.

To begin with, the fact that people are allowed to work to any age perhaps brings about some advantages. Senior citizens have definitely more working experience in their major that helps them give valuable advice on tactics or strategic plans for their company’s development. Besides, elders still go to work; thereby, they are able to make their own money and can afford their lives without reliance to their sons or daughters. Young generation, in turns, will have larger financial resources for their growth plans. In particular, a report pointed out that 15% income of people is for parental allowances in underdeveloped nations.

On the other hand, I do believe its own potential drawbacks outweigh the aforementioned benefits. First, retirement at thirties or even twenties causes lack of workforce in communities. Furthermore, when governments legislate for people’s freedom to take early retirement, there will be numerous lazy people doing that for a retirement pension. With regard to those wishing to retire from their jobs at older ages, they can be at higher risk of age-related diseases like diabetes and heart attack due to continuing working instead of putting/setting them at ease. In addition, strength and mental agility of the old are absolutely less than the young so that they will find it hard to be productive and sometimes they will make a mistake that affects their companies adversely.

In conclusion, in spite of several positive impacts, working freely to any age that people want to does more harm than good in light of labor shortage and healthy problems of workers.