Please help to check my Ielts writing task 2

Question: Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to have a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is important for young people to decide on what career they want to pursue during their life. Many people believe that staying in a job will get more satisfactory than switching jobs. In my opinion, I agree with this view and my reasons will be explained in the following paragraphs.

There is no denying that we cannot succeed if we are not patient in our career path. Long-time employees would gain advanced skills in their works and quickly become expert in their fields. Thus they would feel pleased and proud about their work. Besides once people become professional in their works they will get promotion opportunities. In some countries such as Korea and Japan, the loyalty is always appreciated so company would consider promoting people who have long contribution than people who have outstanding performance. When people have principle position in their organization they will get higher salary and that allows them have better life. This is where the job satisfactory comes from.

Staying in a same job would bring some benefits. Many companies offer special benefits for people who work in long term. For example, people who work longer than five years would be added one day to their annual leave. Company may give retention allowance to thank to employee’s contribution.

Moreover, people who work long time in a company can build a wide and steady network of partners.

Therefore, they always receive supports from their colleagues. As the result, their work can be completed with less difficulty and that would bring them to job pleasure

In conclusion, I totally agree that staying in one job in long term would bring many job opportunities and benefits which will provide people job fulfillment.