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Anonymous Posted 12 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

please help to check error

this is my essay , I want to help to Work on eliminating “dead” words, and unnecessary information.
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101 Strings Orchestra was a successful symphonic music organization; they were composed of 124 string instruments all being male except the harpist. “Scarborough Fair” which is an American folk song is about a trade fair that use to happen in the resort town of Scarborough during the medieval times. People who knew this incredibly old traditional tune can testify that this tune has touched many hearts. I can notice that in this tune there is a lot of fret movement, and the two measure chord progression pops ups four or five times in the verse hence learning these first will help to move further.

“Scarborough Fair” tune talks about the unrequited love, request from a young man to his lover to perform an impossible task and if she succeeds that he will take her back with him. I believe there is a probability that this tune might have originated from a Scottish song named "The Elfin Knight".

When I listened to this symphony, I felt optimistic for life in more positive side due to the harmonious rhythm. I also noted fast and smooth transition in the melody, which made me imagine life more beautiful. This symphony was touching my heart deeply before my ears.
  

Top answer

In the first few sentences, I have scratched some words that are not strictly necessary, made some substitutes to eliminate repetitiveness, and noted grammatical or compositional issues. If you try to fix the rest, we can help you. (Actually, this seems to me like an exercise in redacting that your English teacher gave the class.

— AlpheccaStars

  • In the first few sentences, I have scratched some words that are not strictly necessary, made some substitutes to eliminate repetitiveness, and noted grammatical or compositional issues.
  • If you try to fix the rest, we can help you.
  • (Actually, this seems to me like an exercise in redacting that your English teacher gave the class.
  • ) 101 Strings Orchestra was a successful symphonic music organization ; they were composed of 124 musicians.
  • string instruments all being male except the harpist.
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4 Answers
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In the first few sentences, I have scratched some words that are not strictly necessary, made some substitutes to eliminate repetitiveness, and noted grammatical or compositional issues. If you try to fix the rest, we can help you. (Actually, this seems to me like an exercise in redacting that your English teacher gave the class. )

101 Strings Orchestra was a successful symphonic music or
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This my review I wrote it, the teacher graded.

but he mentioned I need to eliminate some words. I really tried many times, but I think what i wrote is fine nothing need to edit.

so please tell me where the problem?

Thanks
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The site editor did not correctly render my mark-up in the first post. Here are some suggestions for making the essay smoother.

101 Strings Orchestra was a successful symphonic music organization; they were composed of 124 musicians. string instruments all being male except the harpist. (Put a transition sentence here because you are switching topics fro
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I got your point now.

I see now what the mistake I did.

Thanks a lot to advice me.
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