Please help review my essay.

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Hi everyone,I am studying for C1 exam. I am asked to write an essay for the topic. I would appreciate your feedbacks on it.Thank you.Which facilities should receive money from local authorities? museums, sports centres, public gardens.Some opinions expressed in the discussion: "Museums aren't popular with everybody""Sports centres mean healthier people.""A town needs green spaces-parks are great for everybody."Write an essay discussing two of the facilities in your notes. You should explain which facility it is more important for local authorities to give money to, giving reasons in support of your answer.You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion, but you should use your own words as far as possible.Essay:In most areas, more and more places are built for a variety of local people's specific purpose in light of improving life quality. In this essay, I would like to concentrate on two popular facilities: sports centre and public gardens. Then, I will explain the one that should receive money from local authorities.First of all, the need to lead a healthy life including good diet and regular exercises is growing, so sports centre is the proper option. In fact, people are offered service such as courses, and given support from well-trained instructors. Moreover, the structures possess state-of-the-art equipment designed for specific needs such as tennis courts, or swimming pool. Therefore, members can fully enjoy their training experience. In some centres, sporting events takes place to satisfy the spectators' passion for sports.Unlike the centres, public gardens are more of places to relax in outdoor space. They provide more greenery that is beneficial to minimizing air pollution especilly in big cities and results in fresh air by producing oxygen. It's also available to everybody in the neighborhood. For example, the elderly can take a walk with their partners, having interesting conversations or parents play sports with their children. Besides, there are groups of friends gathering to do research for their project.In conclusion, both of the facilities mentioned above are worth getting government grant. However, taking into careful consideration, the best place that should be given money is public gardens because of their benefits they bring to environment and people life.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

b?o NamI am studying for C1 exam. I am asked to write an essay for the topic. I would appreciate your feedbacks on it.

You need to practice perfect, natural English with every word you write.

I am studying for the C1 Advanced exam. I am asked to write an essay for the topic below. I would appreciate your feedback. ~~feedbacks on it.~~

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~In most areas, more and more places are built for a variety of local people's specific purpose in light of improving life quality~~. (Off topic. Also, it is difficult to understand what you mean. The tone of the sentence does not fit the context of a report on a citizen's meeting and discussion event. You did not mention "discussion" but it was a key word in the essay instructions.) In this essay, I would like to concentrate on two popular facilities: sports centre and public gardens. Then, I will explain the one that should receive money from local authorities.

Your essay will get many more points and a much higher score for a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. This is the main point or conclusion of your essay.

The lazy student (one with poor marks) will write something along these lines: "In this essay, I will write about XYZ and some pros and cons."

This is not university-level writing. Do not mention your essay. Instead, give the reader the principal idea that you will expound upon in the body paragraphs.

The advanced, high-scoring student will write something like this:

e.g.

In a recent town hall meeting, fifty tax-payers gave their opinions on the allocation of one segment of the town's annual budget, namely, investment in public facilities.  Two of these recreation areas attracted a lot of attention: the town's sports centres, and public gardens. My personal preference for my taxes would be to improve the sadly-neglected public gardens, although the inner-city sports center with the tennis and basketball courts, football pitch and changing rooms was an appealing close second.

Comments:

The first sentence sets the context - a report on a discussion of townspeople which I attended and participated. I took copious notes on my neighbors' comments. From this sentence, the examiner knows I understood the essay instructions. I set the tone of the essay, an informal report on this meeting, but focused on my input.

The second sentence narrows the topic to two choices for funding, as requested in the essay instructions.

The third sentence is the "hook" to grab the reader's attention to listen to my opinion in the rest of the essay. It is the thesis statement. Note that I add a bit of color, describing the need for improvement.

You did not indicate any other participants' opinions. Most of your writing was too hypothetical, so it was generally off-topic. You will not get a good mark for content. The teacher's notes for this task say "Candidates will be expected to show awareness of the style and tone required by a task." You did not succeed at this point.

First of all, the need to lead a healthy life including good diet and regular exercises (wrong form) is growing, so the sports centre is the proper option. In fact, people are offered service (wrong form) such as courses, and given support from well-trained instructors. Moreover, the structures (wrong word) possess (wrong word) state-of-the-art equipment designed for specific needs such as tennis courts (A tennis court is not equipment. Equipment is weights or treadmills in a gym, or tennis rackets and *****) , or swimming pool. Therefore, members (wrong word. ) can fully enjoy their training experience. In some centres, sporting events takes (wrong form) place to satisfy the spectators' passion for sports.

Unlike the centres, public gardens are more of places to relax in an outdoor space. They provide more greenery that is beneficial to minimizing air pollution especilly in big cities (Off topic. The discussion is about one particular town or city. It is not about hypothetical situations.) and results in fresh air by producing oxygen. It's also available to everybody in the neighborhood. For example, the elderly (Were any elderly people at the meeting? Did they give this opinion?) can take a walk with their partners, having interesting conversations or parents can play sports with their children. Besides, there are groups of friends (Were there any students at the meeting?) gathering to do research for their project.

In conclusion, both of these facilities ~~mentioned above~~ (Unnecessary. The examiner has a longer attention span than a few sentences. Do not use "mentioned" or "aforementioned" in your conclusion. Use pronouns, it you must. ) are worth getting government grant. However, taking into careful consideration, the best place that should be given money is public gardens because of ~~their~~ the benefits they bring to the environment and people life. (wrong form)

Please help review my essay.

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