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Imi Balazs Posted 11 years ago
Letter Writing

Please help on my motivation letter

Hello guys!

I am going to study University in english within 6 months, so I have a lot of time to improve my english, but I'm working very hard on it. I have to send my motivation letter on the beginning of next week, but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of grammar mistake on it.
I would be so thankful if someone help me and correct my mistakes.
I know it's a lot of work, so thank you in advance!!!!
(If you have any personal advice for the content of the letter let me know please!)

So here the letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the double degree of Business and Business Specialist course, in which I am very interested. The double degree gives the knowledge for a leader to see into all important parts of a company with a stable understanding how those parts are working/works(?). The internship opportunities, the leadership programs, the sustainable development goals, the open-minded thinking of the new teaching methods and through the international students anyone can recognise new cultures, languages and countries. It/these makes the ************ University unique, and gives the best knowledge for an ambitious young entrepreneur who wants to make positive change in people’s life.
I’ve never was that person who follows blindly the rules, who blend in into crowd, instead of being a personality, and it’s appear in my education path that I didn’t do it the usual way. I got admission in Central Europe best engineer secondary technical school for second of hunreds candidates. Afterwards I got an opportunity to get experience from the american education, see the world, study language, and recognise a new culture. I studied there being open-minded for the new cultures. After finishing the semester I came back to Hungary. I felt I would like to study real life subject so I want to finish the secondary school as soon as possible. I go to that school who was the only one in the region who gives me help to do double years, finish the secondary school and do the final exam with commendation. After these from the money what I collect from my enterprises I traveled Europe and West Coast of the United States to gain experience and to do not study from books how the world works but see with my eyes. My Spanish mother tongue friends and my love of the Spanish language and culture I started studying Spanish. To have a deeper insight on business and other topics what I interested in I make MOOC courses when I have free time and trying to gain/receive more knowledge.
A very famous quotation - and my favorite “If you can dream it, you can do it!”. There are group of people who deem the weekend holy and not doing any productive. In my opinion this is wasting their life. Since I meet the self-improvement and business education books in 12 years old I’m working every single day on that to I can become such a person who can bring the positive change(who can make the world a better place for people) on the world’s life what I would like to see. When the people realize that there is no impossible the world is open for him. As Steve Jobs said: Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact... Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again. I have always been interested in the business and the fact that only one people can bring a huge change in the life of world is very important for me. I never believed who saying One people can’t change the world. It’s easily not a fact (it’s just) but an opinion. Everyone has effect to others who around you. We can set an example by our lifes to others. Peter Szabo, the most famous Hungarian speaker teaches me that first you must love yourself, you must be happy, you must set an example by your life, in order to have an ability to make others life better, to bring happiness others life. But making the biggest change is not by individuals. I think the best way to create a better world the become an open-minded leader and entrepreneur who wants make a change in the world’s life. And this is my cause why I would like study business and having a deep knowledge how the business works.
My passion is to create a community from entrepreneurs who life’s purpose is to do everything what needs to create a livable world and makes the people’s life better. The best way to bring change to people’s life is an entrepreneurship and teaching good leaders. I would like to make such an effect to the world like Elon Musk or Ryan Allis.
Thanks

Yours faithfully,

Thank you very much, I can't thank you enough your time and work!!!!!!:)
  

Top answer

I am going to study University in english within 6 months, so I have a lot of time to improve my english, but I'm working very hard on it. You can start by learning to use a capital E when writing E nglish . You can then learn about the importance of separating large amounts of text into sentences and paragraphs.

  • I am going to study University in english within 6 months, so I have a lot of time to improve my english, but I'm working very hard on it.
  • You can start by learning to use a capital E when writing E nglish .
  • You can then learn about the importance of separating large amounts of text into sentences and paragraphs.
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5 Answers
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Imi BalazsHello guys!I am going to study University in english within 6 months, so I have a lot of time to improve my english, but I'm working very hard on it.
You can start by learning to use a capital E when writing English. You can then learn about the importance of separating large amounts of text into sentences and paragraphs.
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Dear Imi,
The letter has many many mistakes. Not only does the grammar have problems, but the sequence of events are incoherent. I cannot follow the logic. So I commented on the first part.
Please carefully consider your writing, decide what you want to say, and try again. If you post a new version in this thread, I will take a look at it.

I am writing to apply for the double
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Thank you very much! I can't thank you enough!
You are perfectly right. I will continue working on it! This is my first essay I have ever wrote.
I am really grateful!
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Dear AlpheccaStars,
Thank you very much again for correcting my mistakes. I tried to fix the grammar and making understandable the logic.
I would be happy if you could help me by correcting my mistakes and telling me your opinion!

So here is the version 2.0:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the double degree of Business and Business Specialist (Manage
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I think it would be much better to describe one of your "enterprises" rather than go on about generalities and changing the world and quotation. The more specific and personal you can be with your motivation letter, the better it will stand out from other applicants. You are marketing yourself against lots of others, and anyone can quote from famous entrepreneurs and say they want to

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