Please help on my motivation letter

Question

Hello guys!I am going to study University in english within 6 months, so I have a lot of time to improve my english, but I'm working very hard on it. I have to send my motivation letter on the beginning of next week, but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of grammar mistake on it. I would be so thankful if someone help me and correct my mistakes.I know it's a lot of work, so thank you in advance!!!!(If you have any personal advice for the content of the letter let me know please!)So here the letter:Dear Sir or Madam,I am writing to apply for the double degree of Business and Business Specialist course, in which I am very interested. The double degree gives the knowledge for a leader to see into all important parts of a company with a stable understanding how those parts are working/works(?). The internship opportunities, the leadership programs, the sustainable development goals, the open-minded thinking of the new teaching methods and through the international students anyone can recognise new cultures, languages and countries. It/these makes the ************ University unique, and gives the best knowledge for an ambitious young entrepreneur who wants to make positive change in people’s life.I’ve never was that person who follows blindly the rules, who blend in into crowd, instead of being a personality, and it’s appear in my education path that I didn’t do it the usual way. I got admission in Central Europe best engineer secondary technical school for second of hunreds candidates. Afterwards I got an opportunity to get experience from the american education, see the world, study language, and recognise a new culture. I studied there being open-minded for the new cultures. After finishing the semester I came back to Hungary. I felt I would like to study real life subject so I want to finish the secondary school as soon as possible. I go to that school who was the only one in the region who gives me help to do double years, finish the secondary school and do the final exam with commendation. After these from the money what I collect from my enterprises I traveled Europe and West Coast of the United States to gain experience and to do not study from books how the world works but see with my eyes. My Spanish mother tongue friends and my love of the Spanish language and culture I started studying Spanish. To have a deeper insight on business and other topics what I interested in I make MOOC courses when I have free time and trying to gain/receive more knowledge.A very famous quotation - and my favorite “If you can dream it, you can do it!”. There are group of people who deem the weekend holy and not doing any productive. In my opinion this is wasting their life. Since I meet the self-improvement and business education books in 12 years old I’m working every single day on that to I can become such a person who can bring the positive change(who can make the world a better place for people) on the world’s life what I would like to see. When the people realize that there is no impossible the world is open for him. As Steve Jobs said: Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact... Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again. I have always been interested in the business and the fact that only one people can bring a huge change in the life of world is very important for me. I never believed who saying One people can’t change the world. It’s easily not a fact (it’s just) but an opinion. Everyone has effect to others who around you. We can set an example by our lifes to others. Peter Szabo, the most famous Hungarian speaker teaches me that first you must love yourself, you must be happy, you must set an example by your life, in order to have an ability to make others life better, to bring happiness others life. But making the biggest change is not by individuals. I think the best way to create a better world the become an open-minded leader and entrepreneur who wants make a change in the world’s life. And this is my cause why I would like study business and having a deep knowledge how the business works.My passion is to create a community from entrepreneurs who life’s purpose is to do everything what needs to create a livable world and makes the people’s life better. The best way to bring change to people’s life is an entrepreneurship and teaching good leaders. I would like to make such an effect to the world like Elon Musk or Ryan Allis.ThanksYours faithfully,Thank you very much, I can't thank you enough your time and work!!!!!!:)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Imi BalazsHello guys!I am going to study University in english within 6 months, so I have a lot of time to improve my english, but I'm working very hard on it.

You can start by learning to use a capital E when writing English. You can then learn about the importance of separating large amounts of text into sentences and paragraphs.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Dear Imi,
The letter has many many mistakes. Not only does the grammar have problems, but the sequence of events are incoherent. I cannot follow the logic. So I commented on the first part.
Please carefully consider your writing, decide what you want to say, and try again. If you post a new version in this thread, I will take a look at it.

I am writing to apply for the double degree of Business and Business Specialist ~~course~~, in which I am very interested.
( Which "Business Specialty" are you interested in and why? )
The double degree gives the knowledge for a leader to see into all important parts of a company with a stable understanding how those parts are working/work(? Either one is OK depending on what you mean. "How they are working" = how efficient they are. How they work = what their function is). The internship opportunities, the leadership programs, the sustainable development goals, the open-minded thinking of the new teaching methods and through the international students anyone can recognise new cultures, languages and countries. (The previous sentence has very poor structure. There is no clear subject. ). It/these makes the ************ University unique, and gives the best knowledge to an ambitious young entrepreneur who wants to make a positive change in people’s lives.

I’ve never was that person who follows the rules blindly , who blend in into crowd, (The sentence should end here.) instead of being a personality (Every one has a personality.), and it’s appear in my education path that I didn’t do it (do what?) the usual way. I ~~got admission in~~ was admitted to Central Europe's best engineer secondary technical school for second of hunreds candidates. (I have no idea what you mean here. Did you graduate second in your class?) .Afterwards (After you were admitted to the technical school?) I had an opportunity to get experience from the American education (What American school did you attend?), see the world, study language, and recognise a new culture (Which culture in the world?) . I studied there (where?) being open-minded for the new cultures. (Which cultures?) After finishing the semester (I am lost here. You studied in America and toured the world, and finished one semester in central Europe and then went to Hungary.) I came back to Hungary. I felt I would like to study a real life subject (what is a "real life" subject?) so I wanted to finish ~~the~~ secondary school as soon as possible. I go (present?) to that school who (who is for a person, not a school) was the only one in the region who gives me help to do double years, finish the secondary school and do the final exam with commendation. (A present tense sentence means that you are still in school.) After these (?) from the money that I collected from my enterprises (what enterprises?) I traveled Europe and West Coast of the United States to gain experience and to do not study from books how the world works but see with my eyes. (I don't understand this.) My Spanish mother tongue friends (Spanish-speaking friends or Spanish friends) and my love of the Spanish language and culture I started studying Spanish. (The previous sentence is not structured correctly.) To have a deeper insight on business and other topics that I am interested in, I take MOOC (Define MOOC) courses when I have free time and trying to gain more knowledge.

Imi Balazs · Answer

Thank you very much! I can't thank you enough!
You are perfectly right. I will continue working on it! This is my first essay I have ever wrote.
I am really grateful!

Anonymous · Answer

Dear AlpheccaStars,
Thank you very much again for correcting my mistakes. I tried to fix the grammar and making understandable the logic.
I would be happy if you could help me by correcting my mistakes and telling me your opinion!

So here is the version 2.0:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the double degree of Business and Business Specialist (Manager & Marketing), in which I am very interested. This double degree gives a leader the tools they need to see all of the important parts of a company with a stable understanding how those parts work. The university offers innumerable options for the students, for example the internship opportunities, the leadership programs and the new teaching methods. Also, the community of international students and supporting the sustainable development are very important. These make the ************ University unique, and gives the best knowledge to an ambitious young entrepreneur who wants to make a positive change in people’s lives.

I always thought the marketing is very important part in the business. In my opinion, after the good product, the second most important is the marketing what makes effect the sales figures.
For every company, - especially which offer services -, the two most important are the customer and the employees. In case of bigger companies, impossible for the CEO supervise/oversee everything, therefore indispensable the managers. A good manager also leader. He pay attention for the employees needs, grant them challenge and progression/advancement and for the customers tries gives the best customer experience.

I’ve never been a person who blindly follows the rules, or blends into the crowd. I've always followed my own path. My previous education confirms this. I was granted admission to the most admired secondary technical school in Central Europe, chosen out of hundreds of candidates. After I finished the first year I received an opportunity to attend the Buena Park High School, in Fullerton California. I gain experience from/about the american education and saw the US, study language, and engage with a new culture. I studied there how to be open-mind for the new cultures. After finishing the semester, I came back to Hungary. I felt I would like rather study in university, so I wanted to finish secondary school as quickly as possible. I went to Magiszter High School, which was the only one in the region allowing me to finish the secondary school within a year and do the final exam, what I did with commendation. Afterwards, from the money that I collected from my enterprises I traveled across Europe and the West Coast of the United States to gain first hand experience about the world, meet new people and recognise new cultures. The influence of my Spanish speaking friends, and my love of the Spanish language and culture, all motivated me to start studying Spanish. When I have free time I take MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) to gain a deeper insight on business and other topics that I am interested in.

Individuals, who want the make the world a better place are great people, but individuals never can do such a huge change like the purpose driven entrepreneurs. “If you can dream it, you can do it!” -- That is my favorite quotation from Walt Disney. Since my encounter with self-improvement and business education books 5 years ago, I have been working every single day to become a person who brings positive change, a person who makes the world a better place. When people realize that nothing is impossible, the world opens up for them. Changing the world for the better has always been very important to me. Through business, I believe I can positively change the world. I never believed the saying: "You can’t change the world." It's not a fact. It's an opinion. We all influence those around us. Our life can be an example to others. Peter Szabo, the most famous Hungarian speaker teaches that first you must love yourself, you must be happy, and you must be set an example in order to make other people's lives better, that is, to bring happiness to others. But making the biggest change is not done by individuals. I think the best way to create a better world is to become an open-minded leader and entrepreneur who wants make a change in the world. This is why I want to study business. It is a tool which can change the world.

My passion is to create a community of entrepreneurs who are driven to create a livable world and make other people’s lives better. An entrepreneurship and educating leaders are the best ways to bring change in people’s lives. I would like to make an impact on the world like that of Elon Musk or Ryan Allis.

I do not expect this to be easy, none the less I am ready and excited to gain new experience, improve my skills and broaden my understanding of the business world and give me an opportunity to gain world class education in your prestigious university in the beautiful and exciting city, Melbourne.

Thank you for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours faithfully,
Imi Balazs

AlpheccaStars · Answer

I think it would be much better to describe one of your "enterprises" rather than go on about generalities and changing the world and quotation. The more specific and personal you can be with your motivation letter, the better it will stand out from other applicants. You are marketing yourself against lots of others, and anyone can quote from famous entrepreneurs and say they want to change the world. That does not do anything to distinguish you from others.

There are still a lot of grammatical errors. I have highlighted the offending text.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the double degree of Business and Business Specialist (Manager & Marketing (Are you sure this is the correct name? Manager is not a field of study; Management is.), in which I am very interested. This double degree gives a leader the tools they need to see all of the important parts of a company with a stable understanding how those parts work. The university offers innumerable options for the students, for example the internship opportunities, the leadership programs and the new teaching methods. Also, the community of international students and supporting ~~the~~ sustainable development are very important. These make the ************ University unique, and gives the best knowledge to an ambitious young entrepreneur who wants to make a positive change in people’s lives.

I always thought that marketing is a very important part of the business. In my opinion, after ~~the~~ good products (or: a good product line), ~~the second most important~~ it is ~~the~~ marketing that makes ~~effect the~~ a large sales volume ~~figures~~. (or: Marketing is second only to high-quality, appealing products in making a business successful.)
For every company, - especially those which offer services -, the two most important (important what?) are the customer and the employees. In case of ~~bigger~~ very large companies, it is impossible for the CEO to supervise/oversee everything, therefore the managers are indispensable . A good manager is also a leader. He pay attention to the employees' needs, grant them challenge and progression/advancement and for the customers tries gives the best customer experience. (You need to rewrite the previous sentence.)

I’ve never been a person who blindly follows the rules, or blends into the crowd. I've always followed my own path. My previous education confirms this. I was granted admission to the most admired secondary technical school in Central Europe, chosen out of hundreds of candidates. After I finished the first year, I received an opportunity to attend the Buena Park High School, in Fullerton California. I gain experience from~~/about~~ the american education and saw the US, study language, and engage with a new culture. I studied there how to be open-minded towards ~~for~~ the new cultures. After finishing the semester, I came back to Hungary. I felt I would like rather study in university, so I wanted to finish secondary school as quickly as possible. I went to Magiszter High School, which was the only one in the region allowing me to finish ~~the~~ secondary school within a year and do the final exam, what I did with commendation. Afterwards, from the money that I collected from my enterprises, I traveled across Europe and the West Coast of the United States to gain first-hand experience about the world, meet new people and recognise new cultures. The influence of my Spanish speaking friends, and my love of the Spanish language and culture, all motivated me to start studying Spanish. When I have free time I take MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses) to gain a deeper insight on business and other topics that I am interested in.

Individuals, (no comma) who want the make the world a better place are great people, but no individual ~~never~~ can make such a huge change as a purpose-driven entrepreneur. “If you can dream it, you can do it!” -- That is my favorite quotation from Walt Disney. Since my encounter with self-improvement and business education books five years ago, I have been working every single day to become a person who brings positive change, a person who makes the world a better place. When people realize that nothing is impossible, the world opens up for them. Changing the world for the better has always been very important to me. Through business, I believe I can positively change the world. I never believed the saying: "You can’t change the world." It's not a fact. It's an opinion. We all influence those around us. Our life can be an example to others. Peter Szabo, the most famous Hungarian speaker teaches that first you must love yourself, you must be happy, and you must be set an example in order to make other people's lives better, that is, to bring happiness to others. But making the biggest change is not done by individuals. I think the best way to create a better world is to become an open-minded leader and entrepreneur who wants to make a change in the world. This is why I want to study business. It is a tool which can change the world.

My passion is to create a community of entrepreneurs who are driven to create a livable world and make other people’s lives better. Entrepreneurship and educating leaders are the best ways to bring a change in people’s lives. I would like to make an impact on the world like that of Elon Musk or Ryan Allis.

I do not expect this to be easy, none the less I am ready and excited to gain new experience, improve my skills and broaden my understanding of the business world and give myself an opportunity to gain a world-cl*** education in your prestigious university in the beautiful and exciting city, Melbourne.

Thank you for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours faithfully,

Please help on my motivation letter

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