Please help my motivation letter

Question

I have a very international back ground. My father is Dutch and my mother was born in Zimbabwe. She grew up in South Africa and was raised by my Scottish Grandfather and my Swiss Grandmother. Both parents being world travelers, I was born In Houston Texas and grew up mostly in Mexico City. I have always traveled between Houston Texas where we have a home, Holland to my father’s side of the family, South Africa where my mother side of the family still lives and once a year my family would make a trip around the world for my sister and my education.
My academic education was also very international. I attended a British education international school in Mexico City and graduated from it with and IB diploma, a Mexican governmental diploma and the American system of education preparation for the SAT exam and TASP exam in the summers of 1997 and1998 at the University of Houston. The summer of 1999 I attended a summer course in Rice University in Houston Texas in Business, Economics, and French, which I enjoyed very much and decided upon continuing my study of Economics and business at a university level.
Having been given the opportunity of studying at the most prestigious University of Mexico after my high school graduation, I began my studies of Economics at the university of Anahuac in Mexico city (Same university as the university of Tilburg). After two years of studying Economics at Anahuac University I was intrigued by the then new course that Erasmus University in Rotterdam has for international Business studies as a BAMA system and I enrolled for entrance in 2002. Unfortunately I did not receive a response on time and was offered the opportunity to study what was said to be a similar study in Rijks University Groningen immediately. I took this opportunity only to discover once I had arrived that I had been accepted in the Erasmus Rotterdam’s International Business administration program. Having already agreed to enter the Rijks Universities International Economics and business program I decided to get my “propedeuse” and then transfer to the university of Rotterdam.
After having studied for two years the Rijks university of Groningen I tried to transfer to the University of Rotterdam but I was told that I would have to wait a year for the following entrance selection since the number of participants had been exceeded.

Besides an international education I have also had the opportunity of having part time jobs in the United States, Mexico, and the Netherlands, which has motivated me to further pursue an international education and carrier.

Having studied for several years in a Mexican university Anahuac and learned the Spanish business jargon, I realized how important it is to be fluent in the specialized technical terminology used in international business in order to communicate properly.
I am looking to enroll in an English speaking program since it is the language generally used in international business interactions and I feel that receiving an English spoken education will further educate me in the necessary business jargon.

I have chosen Erasmus University Rotterdam because of its location, its interactive education, is events, congresses and high standard of education that assists students throughout the learning process.
Due to the universities location I will be able to accept a part time job that is related to my study and enjoy a dynamic city that has an international business oriented atmosphere. Erasmus university Rotterdam has several marketing competitions that I am looking forward to participating in and has had several congresses and workshops I’m sad I could not participate in.
The main reason though for choosing Erasmus University Rotterdam is for its unique course plan that shows to be both well rounded, and a great preparation for the tools needed for the future of International business.

At this point I aspire to study towards an international Marketing management carrier which, I would like to carry out in the cosmetics industry. Although, I am still interested in further exploring the opportunities of general management and International Public relations in the business arena as possible alternative carrier paths once I have an MBA. This interest has emerged from my growing interest and participation in my fathers chemical business throughout the years. Ideally I would like to expand my fathers cosmetics company internationally once I have acquired the necessary assets and attributions.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Welcome fio,

What are you applying to? Your letter is very chaotic. I have no idea from the letter what you are trying to accomplish.

MountainHiker

Fio · Answer

Mountain Hiker thanks you for your prompt response. I don’t know how to make my letter flow, or how to only bring essential information to light that personifies me. How much it to little or to much? I just answered the four questions they asked me to answer in my motivation letter :
a. What is the international background you have, regarding nationality, place of birth or residence, previous education, international experience?

b. Why do you want to enroll in the English-language, International Program in Business Administration?

c. Why did you choose Erasmus University Rotterdam?

d. What are your career aspirations?
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Dear Mrs. Name,

I am applying for entrance in September 2005 for the International business administration program given at Erasmus University Rotterdam. This program has interested me because of the programs international background, its location, its course syllabus, its being taught in English and the universities challenging events and activities.

I believe I can contribute to this program because of my uniquely international background. My father is Dutch and my mother was born in Zimbabwe. She grew up in South Africa and was raised by my Scottish Grandfather and my Swiss Grandmother. Both of my parents being world travelers, I was born in Houston Texas and grew up mostly in Mexico City. I have always traveled between Houston Texas where we have a home, Holland to my father’s side of the family, South Africa where my mother’s side of the family stills lives and once a year my family would make a trip around the world for my sister and my cultural education.
My academic education was also very international. I attended a British education international school in Mexico City and graduated from it in the year 2000 with and IB diploma, and a Mexican governmental diploma. I studied at the University of Houston the summers of 1997 and 1998 where I received the American system of education in preparation of the SAT exam and TASP exam. The summer of 1999 I attended a summer course in Rice University in Houston Texas in Business, Economics, and French, which I enjoyed very much and decided upon continuing my study of Economics and business at a university level.
Having been given the opportunity of studying at the most prestigious University of Mexico after my high school graduation, I began my studies of Economics at the university of Anahuac in Mexico city (university connected to the university of Tilburg). After two years of studying Economics at Anahuac University I was intrigued by Erasmus University Rotterdams international Business administration course as a BAMA system because it provided a more global business perspective and would allow me to life in Europe where a lot is happening with the development of the European union and its trade agreements. So I enrolled for entrance in 2002.
Unfortunately I did not receive a response and was offered the opportunity to study International economics and business at the Rijks University in Groningen immediately. I took this opportunity. Having already agreed to enter the Rijks Universities International Economics and business program I decided to get my “propedeuse” (First years obligatory courses) and then transfer to the university of Rotterdam.
After having studied two years at the Rijks university of Groningen I tried to transfer to the University of Rotterdam. Having spoken with Erasmus Universities Admissions office and Rijks universities Student advisor I was told that I would have to wait a year for the following entrance selection since my term at the Rijks University Groningen was not yet finished and the number of participants had been exceeded for Erasmus Universities International Business course.

Aside from an international education I have also had the opportunity of having part time jobs in the United States, Mexico, and the Netherlands, which has motivated me to further pursue an international education and business carrier. As a result of these jobs I realized how important it is to be fluent in the specialized technical terminology used in international business in order to communicate properly and since English is the language generally used in international business interactions, I feel that receiving an English spoken education would further educate me in the necessary business jargon.

Due to the universities location I will be able to accept a part time job that is related to my study and enjoy a dynamic city that has an international business oriented atmosphere. Erasmus University Rotterdam has several marketing competitions that I am looking forward to participating in and has had several congresses, business games and workshops I’m sad I did not have the opportunity of participating in. Erasmus University Rotterdam’s unique course plan shows to be both well rounded, and a great preparation for the tools needed for the future of International business.

In conclusion, I feel that Erasmus University Rotterdam’s location, its interactive education, is events, congresses and high standard of education that assists students throughout the learning process would be the best preparation for my aspiration to study towards an international Marketing management carrier which, I would like to carry out in the cosmetics industry. I am very interested in further exploring the opportunities of general management and International Public relations in the business arena as possible alternative carrier paths once I have an MBA. This interest has emerged from my growing interest and participation in my fathers chemical business throughout the years. Ideally I would like to expand my fathers cosmetics company internationally once I have acquired the necessary provisions that Erasmus University Rotterdams educational system would attribute.

MountainHiker · Answer

Hi Fio,

Thank you for your reply.

Your letter still appears very chaotic to me.

First, you need to have spaces between your paragraphs. As it is now, it is all jammed together and gives the impression of being overly busy.

Second, you need to eliminate the clutter. For example, "This program has interested me because of the programs international background, its location, its course syllabus, its being taught in English and the universities challenging events and activities." tells me absolutely nothing. Either scrap it, or write something of some significance in its place.

Third, streamline (an extension of point 2) your letter. For example, if someone said, "tell me about you," I wouldn't expect a five hour dissertation from the time of birth to present day. Give me the extreme highlights. In reviewing your letter, you are giving the long version of the dissertation.

Fourth, expand and emphasize your reasons for wanting to get this degree and for choosing this university. This should pick up some of the key points or facts from point 3.

You have to remember that the person (people) reading these letters will likely read hundreds or thousands of these darn things. Your job is to make their job easy, or at least easier. Keep your message, above all else, concise and focused. Satisfy their requirements and then get out of Dodge.

MountainHiker

Fio · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,
Thanks once again for your help. I hope I changed it accoringly to the points you made. How far am I? what should I loose and is it still chaotic? If so why?
I cant wait to hear what you think.
Sincerely,
Fio.
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Dear Mrs. Name,

I am applying for entrance in September 2005 for the International business administration program given at Erasmus University Rotterdam.
I believe I can contribute to this program because of my uniquely international background. My father is Dutch, and my mother was born in Zimbabwe. She grew up in South Africa and was raised by my Scottish Grandfather and my Swiss Grandmother. Both of my parents being world travelers, I was born in Houston Texas and grew up in Mexico City. I had a home in Houston Texas, Holland, South Africa and once a year my family would make a trip around the world for my sister and my cultural education. These trips taught me how to interact with people form different cultures and societies by learning their norms and values.

From an early age I enjoyed building up small company's as a hobby, by importing and exporting good ideas that some countries had, and others lacked . {This hobby began as a kindergarden sweet shop where I learned to satisfy my customers demands, my junior sweat shop, where exploited my friends and I learnt business ethics, and later my primary school office utensil shop where I learned to keep a steady clientele. My curiosity as to how big people run businesses lead me to work as my fathers apprentice in his company.}(Should I loose this?)

My academic education was also very international. I attended a British education international school in Mexico City where my strengths were languages, Philosophy, Computer Science and Mathematics. I graduated with an IB diploma, a Mexican governmental diploma and was awarded as the most active student body president. {I studied at the University of Houston the summers of 1997 and 1998 where I prepared for the SAT exam and TASP exam and learned to manage my time.}(Should I cut this out?) Curious to know more about business, I attended a summer course in Rice University in Houston Texas (1999) on Business, Economics, and French, which I enjoyed very much and decided upon continuing my study of Economics and business at a university level.

{ I started by studying economics at the most prestigious university of Mexico}(Should I delete this?), the university of Anahuac in Mexico city, where I enjoyed problem solving, working in teams, public speaking and creative thinking. In Anahuac I got a clearer perspective of the carrier path I was to take and was intrigued by Erasmus University Rotterdams international Business administration course, because of its global business perspective in Europe, where business just got interesting with the development of the European union. So I enrolled for entrance in 2002. Unfortunately I did not receive a response and was offered to study International economics and business at the Rijks University in Groningen.
Rijks University Groningen has taught me how to become independent and focused. It has educated me about the need to be specialized, in my case in international business administration, in order to achive my goals.
(should I explain the difference between the two programs?)

My growing interest and participation in my fathers chemical business throughout the years has motivated me to study towards an international Marketing management carrier, because I enjoy working with people and developing creative international marketing strategies that will attract different target groups with different international backgrounds. I would like to achieve an MBA level of education in order to expand my fathers cosmetics company internationally. I have also had other part time jobs in the United States, Mexico, and the Netherlands throughout my studies which has taught me to work hard, be persistent and has motivated me to further pursue an international education and business carrier because of my interest in thier different business approaches.

I realized how important it is to be fluent in the specialized technical terminology used and since English is the language generally used in international business interactions I seek to carry out my studies in English.

I have always enjoyed Rotterdams young dynamic city and its international business oriented atmosphere which will make it possible for me to work at a part time job that is related to my study. This is important for me to help apply what I learn, and learn from experience. Erasmus University Rotterdam has several intriguing marketing competitions that I am looking forward to participating in and has had several congresses, business games and workshops that I have followed but did have the opportunity of participating in. Erasmus University Rotterdams unique course plan shows to be both well rounded, and a great preparation for the tools I will need for the future of International business.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

My name

MountainHiker · Answer

Hi Fio,

Much more work required yet.

Still too much clutter. Answer their question? Do you have "international exposure"? Yes, you do, answer it quickly and move on. Don't walk me through everything. What you want to do is satisfy them that, yes, you do have "international blood" and then tell them why it is important to you to follow up.

Also, your gramar/sentence structure needs to be worked on.

Both of my parents being world travelers, I was born in Houston Texas and grew up in Mexico City.

At first I thought that was a run-on sentence, but I think you might be okay grammatically. The sentence still seems awkward to me.

What I would emphasize most of all in your letter is to get away from the story telling and tell me about you in terms of what you enjoy and what you want to do.

Imagine the follow scenario (I am using Hockey--Canadian)....

Coach: Tell me about yourself....

Prospective Player 1: I was born Jan 1, 1985, raised in ...first played hockey....got good grades in school....played peewee tournament....was captain 3 times....injured during.....recuperated...played for x team 3 years, played for y team 2 years ago, and z team last year..

Prospective Player 2: I am 20 years old, played for Team Y last year. My strengths are my aggressiveness to go to the goal and my work ethic. I have excellent technical skills and am fearless when playing. I am driven and passionate about the game. I work hard and am a natural team leader. I am committed to winning at all costs, and I hope you are too.

Player 1: Wake me up when he is done his dissertation. Player 2: Can I use his skills on my team?

So if I were you, I would ditch the "Once upon a time..." stuff, quickly hit the salient highlights, and then tell me about you.

MountainHiker

Fio · Answer

Dear Mountain Hiker,

I tried. If this is not right then Im going to need some seriouse help becasue it means Im clueless. Am I getting any closer?
Once again, thank you so much for your patience.
Sincerely,
Fio.
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Dear Mrs. Name,

I am applying for entrance in September 2005 for the International business administration program given at Erasmus University Rotterdam.
My father is Dutch, and my mother was born in Zimbabwe but grew up in South Africa my Grandfather Scottish and my Grandmother is Swiss . I was born in Houston Texas and grew up in Mexico City. Travelling has taught me how to interact with people form different cultures and societies by learning their norms and values.

I attended a British education international school in Mexico City where my strengths were languages, Philosophy, Computer Science and Mathematics. I graduated with an IB diploma, a Mexican governmental diploma and was awarded as the most active student body president. I attended a summer course in Rice University in Houston Texas (1999) on Business, Economics, and French, which I enjoyed very much and decided upon continuing my study of Economics and business at a university level.

At the university of Anahuac in Mexico city, I enjoyed problem solving, working in teams, public speaking and creative thinking. I got a clearer perspective of the carrier path I was to take and was intrigued by Erasmus University Rotterdam’s international Business administration course, because of its global business perspective in Europe, and the development of the European union. I enrolled for entrance in 2002. Unfortunately I did not receive a response and was offered to study International economics and business at the Rijks University in Groningen.
Rijks University Groningen has taught me how to become independent and focused. It has educated me about the need to be specialized, in my case in international business administration. I’m am eager to take part in courses such as Business plan formulating and information systems yet International Economics and Business does not specialized business courses.

My growing interest and participation in my fathers chemical business has motivated me to study towards an international Marketing management carrier. I enjoy working with people and developing creative international marketing strategies that will attract different target groups with different international backgrounds. I would like to achieve an MBA level of education in order to expand my fathers cosmetics company internationally. I have also had other part time jobs in the United States, Mexico, and the Netherlands throughout my studies which has taught me to work hard, be persistent and has motivated me to further pursue an international education and business carrier because of my interest in their different business approaches.

I realized how important it is to be fluent in the specialized technical terminology used and since English is the language generally used in international business interactions I seek to carry out my studies in English.

I enjoy Rotterdams young dynamic city and its international business oriented atmosphere which will make it possible for me to work at a part time job that is related to my study. This is important for me to help apply what I learn, and learn from experience. Erasmus University Rotterdam has several intriguing marketing competitions that I am looking forward to participating in and has had several congresses, business games and workshops that I have followed but did have the opportunity of participating in. Erasmus University Rotterdam’s unique course plan shows to be both well rounded, and a great preparation for the tools I will need for the future of International business.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

My name

Please help my motivation letter

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